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what if all of the indiana jones movies are just dreams that han solo has while he's frozen in carbonate?




Do more things that
make you forget to
check your phone




I'm spending the year dead
for tax reasons


Managing is just great prompt engineering...

with a human touch.

DON'T OFFER A LECTURE TO A PERSON WHO NEEDS A HUG .
I met my wife at a singles night.


...I was surprised, as I thought she was at home with the kids.
never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.




I want treats, cuddles,naps
and exercise

Basically I am a puppy
“Wisdom is the echo of experience.”

James Clear





A liar will get angry with 
you for knowing the truth




Your secrets safe with me



I probably wasn't listening
When you lose track of time, things begin to flow.
MAY DO ABORTION OPPONENTS ACTUALLY EAT EGGS?
IT'S AMAZING HOW FAST YOUR  
MOOD CAN CHANGE AFTER YOU STEP IN WATER WITH SOCKS ON!!
*   *  **             B     *o      *
  *            ^   *   * 
             /   \         *  *  *
  *         I__ l             d   *    *
 l          I      l
            I      l        o
          /        \
        / /Illll\ \         m
      / /   00  \ \              a
              00                          t
               00               i    
                00                    c

Our imagination takes flight!!!!





Don't hesitate.
fumigate.
This house will never feel like home





Happy Earth Day



Enjoy Earth while you can
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT,
SIMBA,
MAKUNA MY TATAS



     •¿•




You know you're old
when you get up in
the morning and the
first thing you do is
make noise.


Before you fuck a person,
you should first make them
use a computer with slow
internet to see who they
really are
IF YOU'RE FEELING A SUDDEN CALM. IT'S BECAUSE I TOOK YOUR VOODOO DOLL OUT FOR A PICNIC ON A GRASSY HILL.          YOU'RE WELCOME!!!



You can throw all the shade
you want. 

It's still sunny in my world.
IF YOU'VE NEVER JUMPED FROM ONE COUCH TO THE OTHER TO AVOID THE LAVA YOU'VE NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD!!
i am a citizen of the most beautiful nation on earth, a nation whose laws are harsh yet simple, a nation that never cheats, which is immense and without borders, where life is lived in the present. 
in this limitless nation, this nation of wind, light, and peace, there is no other ruler besides the sea.





Don't hesitate.
fumigate.
Aus Möwen kann man keinen Saft machen.



There is no more stupid or dangerous way of making desicions than to put them in the hands of those who pay no penalty if they're wrong.
People say "one foot in the grave" all the time but in my case thats actually true. I think they buried it after the amputation.
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds.

...then I got a Facebook account, and now I'm over it.

lieber Priester,
du kannst über alles predigen, nur nicht über 15 Minuten

you matter,
though you energy at the speed of light


Before you fuck a person,
you should first make them
use a computer with slow
internet to see who they
really are



I used to have a handle
on life, but then it broke

virtue is the coitus interruptus of temptation

money and monkey need no grammar
the days pass happily with me wherever my ship sails.

truth becomes dangerous when a lie starts to make sense
WHY SHOULD YOU NEVER TOUCH A COWBOY BOOT LEFT ON A FENCE?
there is a rule in sailing where the more maneuverable ship should give way to the less maneuverable craft. 
i think this is sometimes a good rule to follow in human relationships as well.
never start a fight with a woman - they remember shit that hasnt even happened yet ;-)
men play the game...  women know the score
Love is in the air...


       for now.

broken hearts never die, some only wish they could
Sometimes you meet someone, and you know right away that you want to spend the rest of your life without them.

a lie is a concept depending on the witnesses
IF YOU'RE FEELING A SUDDEN CALM. IT'S BECAUSE I TOOK YOUR VOODOO DOLL OUT FOR A PICNIC ON A GRASSY HILL.          YOU'RE WELCOME!!!





Happy Earth Day



Enjoy Earth while you can

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today 
or 
naked tomorrow
You look like something 
I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, 
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.





     LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people,  because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food 

they say the ones you love hurt you the most


THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.


If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty 


and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. 
But I would rather be alone with you.
i've
fallen
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.