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I made plans for Wednesday.
I feel like a friggin Time Traveler.

32

A christian telling an atheist he is going to hell

Is about as scary as a small child telling an adult they won't get any presents from santa

19

When people get too chummy with me,
I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

12

No I haven't been crying I just thought it would be fun to apply my mascara all down my face

10

You'd have better luck connecting to wifi in a submarine than you would connecting to me

18

I'm too drunk to read you a goodnight story; now I know what failure really is.

12

I took way longer than I should have to be born.

Maybe that's why all my life I've tried to make up for it by being early all the time...

10

I got a promotion!

Now I am classified as lower-lower middle management. I don't get any more money while shoveling, but now I get to wear gloves and goggles!

10

yeah i totally love chocolate,

oh wait.. woops, i meant that i love tons of sugar, emulsified fats, and maybe 10% of overly processed cacao wrapped nicely in plastic.

9

I never was a cool kid; no one ever really gave a damn what I did. Loved to party, but I never got invited - alone again, just me, myself, and I

8

I'm actually a guy. But you won't find that out until it's a little too late.

8

#JourneyingJuly

8

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