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There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

539

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

laundry today
or
naked tomorrow

577

I don't watch soccer...

If I want to spend 90 minutes watching people struggling to score, I take my friends to a bar.

112

The only Pill that would make me Happy is the one that brings you back to life.

91

You are like the first slice of bread in the bag, everybody touches you but noone really wants you

27

HAIKUNA
MATATA

5

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
No way can I write,
a fucking haiku!

8

I do not like you

You will never be grilled cheese

You make my mouth sad

46

What Susie says
of Sally
says more of Susie
than of Sally.

Remember that.

164

Only very fit and healthy people have midnight snacks
It takes a great deal of physical and mental effort to get out of bed at such late hours

59

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

240

Yes mom I know my room is a mess it's a metaphor for my life, i'm trying to be poetic.

462

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

473

I like to be alone.
But I would rather be alone with you.

523

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

572

I like the nights.

Some of my best days were nights.

582

I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty

and I could not have described it any better

583

I love making people who don't like me hate me more by just being me.

612

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

664

Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM

703

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

734

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

823

life is what happens when you put your phone down.

928

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

1035

Life is like a Bollywood movie: colorful, humorous, and usually you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

289

teeth:
because blow jobs need to come with a gentle reminder of who's really in charge

95

$80% of the people are not good at math. I guess I belong to the other 25%$

47

Kid: Dear Santa, send me a brother!

Santa: Send me your mother.

50

The greatest gift you can give to someone is your time

29

I'm kinda nervous about 2014 because
2+0+1+4= 7

...and you know how many nipples Hitler would have if he had 5 more?

Thats right, 7.

54

A dyslexic man walks into a bra ..

79

i'm using Internet Explorer, i hope this posts quickly. happy new year 2011

33

A secret is something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

1

Can you
FUCK
read between
YOU
the lines.

82

What if the cure for cancer is trapped inside the mind of someone who can't afford an education?

144

Trying
to
remember
to
forget.

95

Music is life. That's why our hearts have beats.

140

there is no sun outside, because it's all in my heart

66

When i die i want my tombstone to offer free WiFi so people will visit me more often.

114

the problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubt, while the stupid people are full of confidence.

-Charles Bukowski

177

instead of cleaning the house, i just turn off the lights.

30

I live for two reasons:

1) I was born.

2) I haven't died yet.

34

Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?

39

When I
give you my
time, I'm giving you a portion of my life that I will
never get back..
so please don't make me regret it •

41

"Are you free tomorrow?"

No... I am f**king expensive.

62

They told me to never give up.

Now they call me a stalker.

72

When
I'm flirting
with you,
please cooperate •

101

If I share my food with you it's either because I love you a lot
or because it fell on the floor...

43

This 8yr old boy was screaming at the supermarket cause his mum wouldn't buy him a chocolate bar. So I bought a snickers and ate it in front of him.

59

$Dear math, I'm not a therapist, solve your own problems.$

35

I don't try to be awesome, awesome tries to be me.

44

TIP OF THE DAY:

Never hold your fart in because they travel up your spine, into your brain and that's where your shit ideas come from •

65

Girls who claim that a lot of guys are after them should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

84

A secret is something you tell everybody to tell nobody.

83

I get ignored so much, people should call me 'Terms and Conditions'.

56

The next time you get a call from a blocked number answer the phone and say, "It's done, but there's blood everywhere."

73

to me 'drink responsibly' means don't spill it.

106

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