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Posts Liked by fluteplayer

I romantically stand outside your window and hold up my iPhone to blast OUR song...

...a 30sec ad video
plays first.

109

-Police: 'Knock Knock'
-Me: Who is it?
-Police: It's the Police!
-Me: What do you want?
-P: We just wanna talk.
-M: How many of you are there?
-P: 2
-M: Then Talk to each other

102

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

734

I tripped and fell in love.

Don't worry, I brushed that shit off.

409

I am one Candy Crush invite away from murdering someone.

386

A lot of people cry when they cut onions, the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

396

The trouble with jogging is, by the time you realize you're not fit for it, it's too far to walk back •

409

Anybody have any plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?

320

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