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If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

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Here, let me offer you a steaming hot cup of STFU.

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I never met a carb I didn't like.

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I never met a carb I didn't like; it's how I keep my Pillsbury Doughboy-ish figure.

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When they made the first clock, how did they know what time to set it to?

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Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

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The difference between comedy and tragedy is perspective.

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