FreshLemon's Posts

things I want:
-pizza
-a nice body

things you apparently can't have at the same time:
-pizza
-a nice body

Reposted from avant-garde

avant-garde likes this

saturday night:

it's time to
be a hero and rescue some wine trapped
in a bottle

Reposted from againandagain

You Broke my heart bitch?

I'm breaking up with you, did I mention your sister's good in bed?

Reposted from anonymous

Do you have tight nuts or a rusty tool? Then use WD40!
-Makes old tools like new again
-Tools slide in and out with ease!
-Lubricates dry passageways!
-Makes screwing a pleasure
Available in any local store!

Reposted from anonymous

I'm not Rihana i don't love the way you lie.

Reposted from cinnamoonchild

Laziness leads to obesity. Obesity leads to no sex life. No sex life leads to deprresion. Depression leads to death.

Therefore Laziness Leads to Death.

Reposted from anonymous

Dear brother white
When I am born, I am black
When I am cold, I am black
When I am sick, I am black
When you were born, you were pink
When you are cold, you are blue
When your are sick, you are green. And still you
call me colored

Reposted from anonymous

SEEING YOUR EX IS LIKE SEEING OLD FASHION PICTURES. YOU ASK YOURSELF HOW YOU COULD GO IN PUBLIC WITH THIS.

Reposted from Akatrine

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I have 5 fingers
And the middle ones for you

Reposted from anonymous

YOUR NAME SOUNDS MOANABLE.

Reposted from Akatrine

I am not getting out of bed today.
Not on monday the 13th.

Reposted from Akatrine

I don't fart.
I whisper in my panties.

Reposted from againandagain

We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.

Reposted from Akatrine

When the cockroaches are wearing party hats, it's time to clean the kitchen.

Reposted from Akatrine

No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentine's day because no man
will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money.

Reposted from againandagain

When you are writing the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen.

Reposted from againandagain

So you changed to an iPhone 5 just for an extra inch?

Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same...

Reposted from againandagain

go
fuck your selfie

Reposted from againandagain

I do this thing called whatever the fuck I want

Reposted from againandagain

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not
hear the music.

Nietzsche

Reposted from againandagain

twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs, they're not a door

Reposted from againandagain

Oh, you're dating my ex?

Cool, I'm eating a sandwich.
Want those leftovers too?

Reposted from againandagain

How bad do you want success?

Reposted from acos2

Thanks for being the best roomate ever by never being here

Reposted from acos2

Let's not spoil our great sex with relationship

Reposted from acos2

This year, shop for me as if you still haven't gotten my pants off yet

Reposted from acos2

I hope your recently cleared browser history means you've been shopping for my Valentine's Day present

Reposted from acos2

Nothing brings two people together like hating a third

Reposted from acos2

Your nipples are my favourite winter weather report

Reposted from acos2

are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?

Reposted from acos2

We stick together like the paper in a porn magazine

Reposted from acos2

I'd let you kiss me on the mouth immediately after oral sex

Reposted from acos2

In PORN there are only 2 ages:

18 and MILF

Reposted from acos2

If you have nothing nice to say, say it anonymously on the Internet

Reposted from acos2

I'd love to tell you how hot you look today but you're not single so I'd rather not waste my time

Reposted from acos2

Children are like farts in the sense that I only enjoy the ones I personally produce

Reposted from acos2

Still nothing on Wikileaks about my missing socks

Reposted from acos2

I'm glad ur mom did not have a headache that night

Reposted from acos2

I love you so much, I will even talk to you on the phone

Reposted from acos2

I am sorry I gave you an honest answer when you asked how I was doing

Reposted from acos2

From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to give you the wrong phone number

Reposted from acos2

$I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them$

Reposted from acos2

Do you buy your pants in sale? Because at my house they would be 100% off..

Reposted from 27thAvenue

DO THE WORLD A FAVOR AND STOP SAYING LOL.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

If you can't say anything fucking nice about anyone, come sit by me.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

LIVE LIFE AS IF YOU'LL DIE TOMORROW, DREAM AS IF YOU'LL LIVE FOREVER.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Don't promise the moon
if you don't have the
space shuttle.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Gentleman by day.
Philosopher by night.
Pervert by choice.
Rebel by fate.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

You are so
fake

Barbie is
jealous.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

REACH FOR THE STARS
SO IF YOU FALL
YOU LAND ON A CLOUD

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Karma darling, let me help you with your lack of inspiration.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

God gives the hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

If bitches could fly, my school would be a fucking airport

Reposted from 27thAvenue

They asked me for drugs, so I told them about your smile.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Work until your idols become your rivals.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

People change,
but they don't
change back.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Don't add winky face emoticons to anything unless you want me to take it sexually.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Personality begins where comparison ends.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

Those who are heartless, once cared too much.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

The sex was so good even the neighbours had a cigarette.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Reposted from 27thAvenue

if a telemarketer calls, give the telephone to your 3 year-old and tell her it's santa

Reposted from avant-garde

If dentists make money off people having unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a product that 9/10 of them recommend?

Reposted from avant-garde

choose a number. add 2. minus 2.
minus your number.

that's the amount of fucks i give.

Reposted from avant-garde

dear santa

I'm writing to tell you I've been naughty and it was worth it.

you fat, judgemental bastard.

Reposted from avant-garde

me no study,
me no care,
me go marry billionaire.

if he die,
me no cry,
me go marry another guy.

Reposted from avant-garde

#laughter, #is, #the, #best, #medicine

he offered her the world

she said she had her own

Reposted from avant-garde

a haiku about getting out of bed:

no no no no no
no no no no no no no
no no no no no

Reposted from avant-garde

don't dress to impress

dress to depress
(all of the other bitches)

Reposted from avant-garde

Kid: Dear Santa, send me a brother!

Santa: Send me your mother.

Reposted from avant-garde

me: "siri tell me a joke"

siri: *opens camera app*

Reposted from avant-garde

i turn the music up because i'm partially deaf. i am partially deaf because i turn the music up.

Reposted from avant-garde

when life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people's eyes

Reposted from avant-garde

can i sell my feelings on ebay i don't want them anymore

Reposted from avant-garde

you can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window to throw them out

Reposted from avant-garde

I think I'm going to write a book called
" 'four hours is definitely enough sleep' and other lies I tell myself"

Reposted from avant-garde

Would you believe in what you believe in if you were the only one who believed it?

Reposted from avant-garde

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

Reposted from avant-garde

roses are red
violets are blue
vodka is cheaper
than dinner for two

Reposted from avant-garde

at night I overthink

in the morning I oversleep

Reposted from avant-garde

I can eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than that.

Reposted from avant-garde

oh honey, I'm not insulting you,
I'm just describing you

Reposted from avant-garde

hello 911 i'd like to report a murder...

this bitch just killed my vibe

Reposted from avant-garde

if there's one thing girls love more than being told they're pretty, it's being told they're prettier than other girls

Reposted from avant-garde

WANTED:

GUY WHO RUINS LIPSTICK,
NOT MASCARA

Reposted from avant-garde

prubton likes this

I've reached that age where my brain went from "you probably shouldn't say that" to "what the hell, let's see what happens"

Reposted from avant-garde

who wears the pants in the relationship?

well preferably no one will be wearing pants

Reposted from avant-garde

there's plenty of fish in the sea, you just suck at fishing.

Reposted from avant-garde

sending your selfies to NASA because you're a star

Reposted from avant-garde

Do not fall in love with people like me. I will take you to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kiss you in every beautiful place, so that you can never go back to them without tasting me like blood in your mouth. And when I leave you will finally understand, why storms are named after people.

Reposted from avant-garde

can we just skip to the part where I travel the world?

Reposted from avant-garde

prubton likes this

looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitchflakes this morning.

Reposted from avant-garde

why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone?

Reposted from avant-garde

prubton likes this

I like my coffee how I like myself:

dark, bitter and too hot for you

Reposted from avant-garde

if you're still looking for that one person to change your life, take a look in the mirror

Reposted from avant-garde

50 shades of dark circles under my eyes

Reposted from avant-garde

UserOne, sophh and prubton like this

if you're still looking for that one person to change your life, take a look in the mirror

Reposted from avant-garde

If men could get pregnant, not only abortion would be legal, but birth control would be free, mandatory and bacon-flavored

Reposted from avant-garde

You were wild once,

don't let them tame you.

Reposted from EmilyTudor

You have to be odd to be number one.

Reposted from RulesOfLife

#mantra, #lifelaw

My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in tampon commercials.

Reposted from MeMyselfAnd..I

#reality, #trudat

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

Reposted from againandagain