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My book smells better than your tablet
Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything but the dog.


            I see you 

          and you are
 
            beautiful
I DON'T ALWAYS FART IN BURGER KING, BUT WHEN I DO IT'S A WHOPPER !




One day you'll find someone who is obsessed with you. 

It's probably going to be a dog. But it is what it is.


Every morning I go for a walk and take the same route in my neighborhood.

But once in a while, I switch sides of the street.

And when I do, I notice things I've never noticed before.

You don't need to make a drastic change to discover new possibilities.

All it takes is a slight shift of perspective.
To my children:

Don't make fun of me for asking questions about my cell phone.  
I once taught you how to use a spoon.

You can be whoever you want to be - just don't demand it from everyone else!
PSYCHO THE
     RAPIST.



PSYCHOTHERAPIST 
IS ONE WORD, DAMN IT ONE WORD!
Eliminate the need 
                                to be liked.



Replace it with the intention to be of service, whether to others, something you believe in, or 
                  your highest self.

It's not your job to agree with everything people say
THE SUN IS SHINING!
GET THOSE BARBECUES STINKING,
YOU MINDLESS ZOMBIES.

          Yes, let the cute, tiny girls fart
         their unicorns and butterflies...












   ...as smart-ass i fart whole galaxys!!!
HOW COME 
"YOU'RE A PEACH" IS A COMPLIMENT BUT
"YOU'RE BANANAS" IS AN INSULT?
 WHY ARE WE ALLOWING FRUIT DISCRIMINATION TO TEAR SOCIETY APART?



most often the grass is greener on the other side because it has been fertilized with bullshit, but if you are careful the smell gives it away
orgasms are like cooking. 
i could do it myself, 
but prefer someone else doing it.
What a year this week has been..
CHILDHOOD IS MEASURED OUT BY SOUNDS AND SMELLS AND SIGHTS, 
BEFORE THE DARK HOUR OF REASON GROWS.
NEWSFLASH

people are allowed to disagree with you
and i still 
find myself
missing memories,
we never
got a chance
to make.



We live in a machine that is designed to get us to neglect what is important in our life.
I yelled ”COW!!!” at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger. 

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
best friends are basically therapists who get paid in margaritas.
Pheromones would argue: is it love at first sight or first smell?





Love with me
I so much wanted a badass password, so I wanted to drop the "p" from the word password and use that,


but then I was told to piss on that as assword is an assinine password so 
I passed on that and I'm using my cat's 
                   nickname instead.
Friendly reminder:

"Images lie and you can literally make anything look artsy with some bold eye make up and an intense stare."

.glitterandlazers, IG
there are no passengers on the spaceship earth. 
we are all crew.

instead of Greater Ohama Prime beef hamburgers, my daughter served dry, tasteless and greenish veggie discs for lunch. 

It goes wIthout saying that they  lost their lives at my afternoon clay-pigeon-shooting.
i spend so long in bed that i'm starting to feel like the grandparents from charlie and the chocolate factory.
CHILDHOOD IS MEASURED OUT BY SOUNDS AND SMELLS AND SIGHTS, 
BEFORE THE DARK HOUR OF REASON GROWS.
best friends are basically therapists who get paid in margaritas.
"So, what do you do?"
- I'm a supervillain.
"Whats your name?"
- Autocorrector

"Hahahaha! Are you Sirius?  What's your super powder?  Wait a minion... what the help is happy ninja to me? PLEATS MAKE IT DUCKING STOP!!!!"
i bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.
instead of buying your children all the things you never had, you should teach them all the things you were never taught. 
material wears out but knowledge stays.


            I see you 

          and you are
 
            beautiful

chocolate lately 
was chocolatey
What a year this week has been..
Husband:  ''Why do you keep buying plants when you just end up killing them?''

Wife:  ''Just to remind you what I'm capable of.''
until yesterday 
i thought "ghost me" meant putting your arms around me and teaching me pottery.




One day you'll find someone who is obsessed with you. 

It's probably going to be a dog. But it is what it is.
i may not be your cup of tea but i'm totally your 10th shot of tequila.
I DON'T ALWAYS FART IN BURGER KING, BUT WHEN I DO IT'S A WHOPPER !
shitgas
i like to compliment strangers on their t-shirts just to make them look down to see which one they're wearing.

with temperatures rising again, burping under my COVID mask is like being slow cooked in a dutch oven
Black people are literally saying stop killing us and there are people saying "but" or "what about..."
I was shocked and relieved at the same time when I found out that "Gaylord" actually comes from the French first name "Gailliard" which means big and strong.

That could of course also be suitable for "Gaylord", provided his jeans aren't too tight

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today 
or 
naked tomorrow
You look like something 
I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, 
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.





     LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people,  because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food 

they say the ones you love hurt you the most


THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.


If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty 


and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. 
But I would rather be alone with you.
i've
fallen
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.