Posts Liked by alex768s

When
someone
you love
becomes
a memory,
the memory becomes
a treasure.

Speak when you are angry,

and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.

When kids are little you tell them a story so they can sleep. When they grow older they tell you stories that will keep you up all night.

Practice safe text -

use commas & never miss a period.

You don't know you've fallen asleep until you wake up

I's weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and the other one is like, duh...
I don't know shit

The thin line between bravery and stupidity is drawn by necessity

Do prisoners wears stripes because they don't want to be spotted?

Be careful with your words.

They can only be forgiven, not forgotten.

If I could change one thing, I wouldn't change it.
My life is my life. Not perfect. But wonderful, just the way it is.

Technically it was Moses that had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud

The only advantage you have over me is you can kiss my ass and I can't

Collective madness is called sanity.

ALCOHOL INCREASES THE SIZE OF THE 'SEND' BUTTON BY 89%.

Regardless of the question.

Putting gasoline on the fire will not save Spain.

Or free Catalonia.

When you get angry, take a deep breath and count to ten.

When you get to eight, throw a punch.

No one ever expects that.

Chinese wall.

Hadrians wall.

Berlin wall.

None worked in the end. Maybe Israel should remember all history not only their own and avoid others mistakes.

Walla Walla,
the city in
Walla Walla,
the county, Washington

I may not be able
to move mountains,

but I know
I can move walls!

Even paradise could become a prison if one had enough time to take notice
of the walls.

~ Morgan Rhodes,
Falling Kingdoms

Do you breathe through that little one, asked one elephant a man.

No I think said the man.

Ultimate lazy moment:

Watching the sunrise on TV because you're too lazy to get up and watch it for real.

I am too lazy

to be lazy.

There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, ...

like watching TV, and having a beer.

I'm not afraid of flying,

I'm afraid
of crashing.

Who says nothing is impossible?

I've been doing nothing for years.

Some people are
like clouds.

When they go away, it's a brighter day.

My bed is a magical place

where I suddenly
remember everything
I forgot to do.

My bed and I are perfect for each other,

but my alarm clock keeps trying
to break us up.

When I stare at the sky, I see you. When I stare out into the ocean, I see you. When I'm looking at the moon, I see you.

Geez! Would you move aside, you're constantly getting in my way!

I'm sure terns don't like it, but sure, I can look for
a Northern Tern to pat,

unless there are
closer terns I can catch.

Shy smiles and soft hellos

are the masks a troubled mind shows

Some
of
history's
patterns
I
would
like
to
break
into
smithereens.

One thing
most people
like to do is
play games

they can win
consistently.

Looks like it's going to be another exhausting day of judging people and pretending to listen.

Looks like it's going to be another exhausting day of judging people and pretending to listen.

Reality is my religion.

The sentence “Are you as bored as I am ” can be said backwards and still make sense

Saying “Fuck it” actually motivates me more than “You can do this”

Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, its probably shit

A writer is simply a photographer of thoughts.

i'm emotionally constipated:
i haven't given a shit in days

People hate too much and fuck too little.

If I mess up, it's my mess, not yours.

Had a nice drive in the country today.

And by nice,
I meant it was
too long,
too hot, and
too humid.

My doctor has basically given up, and responds to all my complaints with "At your age, what do you expect? Just deal with it."

I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people could learn to manage their stupidity.

Hitler was one...

VEday
GEzTapo
ARIAN
nazISM

Hitler was one...

VEday
GEzTapo
ARIAN
nazISM

So when did you stop eating meat? At the same time as i stopped eating veg, when the plate was empty!

The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

Why the fuck are there cartoon pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses?

What exactly is it shielding its eyes from?

there's no point in wasting time doing nothing...

unless there's something very important to do.

I'll have a café mocha vodka valium latte to go please.

currently...
I'm fucking busy
-and unfortunately it's not the other way around.

LIFE is like a BOOK. Some chapters are SAD, some HAPPY and some EXCITING.
But if you never turn the page, the next chapter will always remain unknown.

Ive called my biography "My Own Misfortune". Just so that i can tell people i am the author of my own misfortune.

Just wondering why radio stations no longer play the song Free Nelson Mandela?

If you've had sex with less than 12 people, people that have had sex with you belong to a more exclusive club than those who have walked on the moon.

Reserve this space for a witty joke,

or half this space for a half-wit joke.

There went another mission
I didn't win.

I stay up late because after 10PM is the only time of day that no one expects me to do anything for them

Why is there a 'd' in fridge but isn't one in refrigerator?

Emotions are like pee. You can hold it in for a while, and sometimes it feels like it goes away. But you'll have to let it out eventually

Your first birthday is technically your second birthday

Someday a person is going to die in a self driving car and the car is just gonna keep driving with a dead body in it.

“Im ready when you are” is just a polite way of saying “Hurry the fuck up you slow piece of shit!”

If youre left handed and speak in sign language do you then have an accent?

-Police: 'Knock Knock'
-Me: Who is it?
-Police: It's the Police!
-Me: What do you want?
-P: We just wanna talk.
-M: How many of you are there?
-P: 2
-M: Then Talk to each other

I Was Born To Be Awesome, Not Perfect.

Go to a pet store, point at an employee and yell, "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!"

Go to a pet store, point at an employee and yell, "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!"

A library is a good place to go when you feel unhappy, for there, in a book, you may find encouragment and comfort. A library is a good place to go when you feel bewildered or undecided, for there, in a book, you may have your question answered.

~ E.B. White

Q:Why did the flamingo cross the road?

A: Because he was playing "Follow the Leader" with the chicken!

I can't wait to see the Bold that wins this #flamingo mission....

Be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons!

And then God
said "For the love
of Jesus, someone
give flamingos
their five minutes
of fame!"

$__ .^o ~\ Y /'~) } _____ l/ / / ,-~ ~~--.,_ ( ( / ~-._ ^. \ "--'--. "-._ \ "-.________ ~--.,_^. \"~r-.,___.-'-. ^. YI \\ ~-.\ || \\ `\ || // || // () // || // || ( c ___ ___...I|__ ___$

I'm your
sweet little
loopy rollercoaster
of a
zillion thoughts
and ideas
in the
night, mixed
with a
huge bungyjump
and a
disconnected carousel.

How can flamingos sleep standing on one leg?

I can't stand on one leg even when I'm awake.

I like being single,
I'm always there
when I need me

I like being single,
I'm always there
when I need me

Things not to say
on a first date:

5:
My pet snake is loose somewhere in the car, but he is harmless.

Things not to say
on a first date:

6:
I had the craziest day - my colonoscopy
took forever.

Things not to say
on a first date:

3:
Any chance you have some foot fungus
cream handy?

Things not to say
on a first date:

2:
So, how many
meds do you take?

IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND ALL YOU DO IS CRY EVERYDAY!

YOU HAVE TO STOP AND ASK YOURSELF,
AM I DATING A HUMAN OR AN ONION?

Stress is caused by giving a fuck !

Second chances have never been a problem with me.

I tend to give about 7 or 8 before I realize I'm an idiot.

SHE DOSEN'T SAY "I LOVE YOU"
LIKE A NORMAL PERSON,
INSTEAD SHE'LL LAUGH, SHAKE HER HEAD, GIVE YOU A LITTLE SMILE, AND SAY "YOU'RE AN IDIOT"
IF SHE TELLS YOU YOU'RE AN IDIOT'
YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN!

I DON'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE AS MUCH AS THEY ARE LOOKING FOR THE EXPERIENCE OF LIFE.

ALL THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT,
BUT WHEN THEY COME THEY'RE OUT OF DATE.

I hoped you were my last but ended up being a Lesson

The perfect date is the one where anything and everything goes wrong, but at the end of it, all you want is to see them again.

If a 1st date turns out in a one night stand does that mean it was a good date or actually a bad date?

It's better to be late, than to arrive ugly.

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

I live for the nights that I can't remember with the people I won't forget.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

i just burnt my tongue on some food

they say the ones you love hurt you the most

1990: skinny people, fat TV.

2017: fat people, skinny TV

Democracy: The freedom to elect our own dictators.

Every great thing ever made on this Earth was an accident, like penicilin and me.

Every great thing ever made on this Earth was an accident, like penicilin and me.

Based on a true rumor

Don't live the same year 75 times and call it a life.

I HATE TO CANCEL.

I KNOW WE MADE PLANS TO GET TOGETHER TONIGHT,
BUT THAT WAS TWO HOURS AGO,

I WAS YOUNGER THEN AND FULL OF HOPE.

How is hunting a sport when the other team doesn't know they're playing?

Some states in USA have problems with executions, maybe they should seek knowledge in the french revolution and build mechanical devices.

Primitive solutions fits primitive habits.

I hope I never go to jail because I haven't memorized a phone number since the early 2000's

As soon as a UFO is identified as a UFO does it then become a IFO or just a spaceship?

I'd love to survive to the age where I have to put my planet on my address

We are the only animals who ask themselves how to live their lives, and we are the only animals that have no answer.

Mainly because there is no answer.

After 2 bottles of wine I finally finished my tax return...
I am getting 23 million back!

If you are embarrassed buying condoms but are fine buying toilet paper, you are more proud of shitting than of getting laid

So come here and I will touch you in places you didn't even know that exist

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It's always like BAM, there's a snail

Accents are fonts,
but for a person

Online dating.
"It turns out, women really care about men's height. Im 59”, if I wanted to be as attractive as somebody whos 510”, right, another inch? I would have to make about $35-40,000 more a year."
Justsaying

Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope you fall asleep before you fall apart.

When all the phones are waterproof, we can go back to pushing everyone in the pool again...

Can't wait! ;-)

"The world is not as it seems. The ordinary world is invisible, in a flow of news events which are selected for being extraordinary."

Ola Rosling

1997: Dont trust anyone on the internet, dont get in strangers cars.

2017: use the internet to get into a strangers car

Somewhere out there is a girl named Morgan Freeman who has to put up with a bunch of shit

Does anybody else have a voice in their head that repeats "slap the idiot, slap the idiot?"

NO?
JUST ME?
HMM... ODD

a real woman can handle all her problems alone, but a real man won't let her do that!

I didn't GIVE you
THE FINGER
just like that!

you've completely EARNED it

You don't have to be crazy to hang out with me...
I'll train you!

worrying is fantasizing in the wrong direction

a soulmate makes the good times better and the bad times easier

it dseon't mttaer waht oredr the lrteets of a wrod are in, as lnog as the frsit and lsat lteetrs are in the prpeor plcae, it's stlil redabale!

Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?

I don't snore!

I dream I'm a motor cycle!

I miss you,

even when I'm not horny

If bedbugs are found on beds, who ever came up with the name cockroach?

Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car saying: " I know what you did"

My blood donation may become someones erection!

Hey...
I'll be back in 30 minutes,
if I am not,
just read this message again.

In the age of Google, knowing the right questions to ask really is more important than knowing the answers

Home is a feeling. Not a place.

Too lazy to live fast.

Too old to die young.

You don't truly know a person until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in the vending machine

What is the good in free speech if we only get to use it with people we agree with?

I'm not
"arguing"
with you...
I'm simply
explaining
why I am right.

bad decisions make good stories

IF YOU'VE GOT A GREEN BALL IN YOUR LEFT HAND, AND A GREEN BALL IN YOUR RIGHT HAND WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

KERMIT THE FROG'S UNDIVIDED ATTENTION !

•_•

Let's play a game of go fuck off....

You go first

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you've never met.

The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine,
but you should at least check.

I want a simple life. I want to get up late, drink coffee and read old books. I also want a spaceship and a pet dragon

If you need aphrodisiacs to do it, maybe a change of subject is a better solution.

i'm sorry i got angry and said a lot of things that i meant but still shouldn't have said

I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used
to it.

If I design sex toys for a living does that make me a fucking engineer...

Espionage plain and simple.

I am not young enough to know everything anymore.

I am not young enough to know everything anymore.