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Posts Liked by HPandchocolate

some people are like slinkies, they're not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

12

loving someone who doesn't love you is like watching a star you know you can't reach.

but you need to keep on trying, cause stars can fall, right?

152

so, as i was driving my 5 year old nephew to school a bird smashed into the window of my car. instead of being traumatized by the gore like me my nephew starts laughing and says "bloody bastard."

11

i hate when my dentist asks when was the last i flossed. like dude don't you remember, you we're there.

12

so, i just found my neighbor's ring in the grass after a 10 minute search in the dark texas night. as well as thanks, i now have a new nickname. you can now call me Gollom.

11

should a dead person be referred to as a
"human been" rather than a "human being?"

15

when your friend says "oh, you're being sarcastic"

uh, obviously.

11

there are an estimated 70 sextillion stars in the universe.

70,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

8

YOUR WORDS WILL LEAVE AN IMPRINT OF MEMORIES WHICH STORY'S YET BE TOLD

119

demon: i possessed you!

me: get the fuck out!

demon: damn, alright you don't have to be a rudeass bitch. i just need a place to crash my man kicked me out.

me: okay you can stay the night, but don't be spinning my head like an owl!

9

lost myself trying to please everyone else, now i'm losing everyone while trying to find myself.

29

that awkward moment when your sentence doesn't end the way it octopus.

21

the lion and tiger might be powerful...
but the wolf does not perform in the circus

316

i hate when girls say "i need a man that can handle me"

you're a female, not a zoo animal. handle you're damn self.

41

my neutral expression makes me always look like i'm in a bad mood, which is convenient because it's usually true.

17

i want to write
"i miss you" on a rock and throw it at your face, so you'll know how much it hurts to miss you.

28

I wanna fuck you and make you feel alright.

26

I'd break all my rules for you.

51

i met you and all those stupid love songs made sense.

10

the best feeling in the world is when you hug someone and they hug you back tighter.

26

we have stereotypes for things we don't know anything about.

13

hi spider, nice spider let me pet you...
WITH MY FOOT
good spider, dead spider.

16

when i was little my dad would tell me when the ice cream truck played music they we're out of ice cream...

well played dad, well played.

12

stop asking me if i "want to build a snowman"

what i want is to be on a beach, wearing nothing, and a drink in hand...

ask me if i want to do that!

12

ugh, i hate when i'm drunk and the wall bumps into me and spills my drink.

11

and suddenly all the love songs we're about you...

11

if i had a flower for everytime i thought about you...

i'd walk through my own garden forever.

14

keith: did it hurt?

me: did what hurt?

keith: when you broke through the earth's crust assending from hell.

15

that wtf moment when your toothpaste takes a suicidal dive off your toothbrush.

13

i remember when staying up until midnight was hard to do, now it's just a bad habit.

13

the
average
person
has
1,500
dreams
a
year,
so
dream
big.

10

of course i talk to myself...

sometimes i need expert advice.

15

women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is his stomach, obviously has'nt checked his browser history.

10

if you see me on the street with headphones and i do a weird head twitch, don't be alarmed i'm filming my imaginary music video.

8

inside a chalk body outline is probably the safest place to stand...

because what are the odds that two people die in the exact same spot.

7

that moment of terror when you're in the shower and you get shampoo in your eyes, and you just know there's a spider in front of you.

13

you kind of look like a stripper, but i high end stripper for governors or athletes but a stripper none the less

6

best school memory...

throwing random things at people and then acting like it was'nt me.

15

the non sexual way to eat a lollipop...

smash it with a hammer and eat the remains

12

my parents use the encyclopedia to google stuff

14

i hate it when the person you dislike runs into your knife 12 times.

17

me: are you coming?

keith: no, i'm just breathing hard.

me: asshole

18

welcome to our society, you will be judged by what you wear, how you act, and what you look like. enjoy your stay.

75

ugh, i hate when i'm laying in bed sending a text, and the phone drops and attacks your face.

18

my laptop has a Miley Virus. it stopped twerking.

13

the degree of sarcasm depends on the degree of your stupidity.

12

constantly torn between "treat others how you want to be treated" and "treat others how they treat you"

17

Noticing how beautiful the city lights are at night while getting chased by the cops.

187

who cares if school does'nt teach us how to raise a family or get a job, at least i know the area of a triangle.

15

i get my cereal from a tiger. insurance from a gecko. toilet paper from a bear. financial advice from a gorrilla. it's people i don't trust.

17

My dear Dream,

I am so sorry.

I guess it's time for me
to move on
and let you go.

But you will always own a part of my heart.

Farewell!

Sincerely
A former Dreamer

16

A
world
where
I
did
not
lost
your
number

20

why does a round pizza come in a square box.

13

i wish friends we're like money so that you can hold them up to the light to see if they're real or fake.

13

every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.

16

i can't turn water into wine, but i can turn ice cream into breakfast.

16

$how it feels when you ride in your car. --------------------------- how it feels when you ride in your friends car. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\$

10

CALM DOWN take a deep breath and hold your breath for 20 minutes.

11

ugh everytime you hear a guy say "that's what she said". always reply "not to you".

14

best friends are the siblings from different parents.

17

sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.

14

pull me apart. eat my seed, taste my salty goodness.

-pistachio

14

that horrible moment when the last bits of your ceareal gravitate away from your spoon.

8

me: mum why did you marry dad.

mum: i can honestly say i don't fucking know.

15

why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?

11

people should have to pass an IQ test to use the
self-checkout.

12

do you remember when this

#

was a tic tac toe
board.

18

according to old myths birth marks show where you we're killed in a past life. so i have one on my
ribs...crucifiction.

12

somewhere, somebody is thinking about you, and the tremendous impact you made in their life...

it's not me, i think your an idiot.

14

everytime i see the word "explain" on a test, a part of me dies.

10

yes officer i did see the speed limit sign, i just did'nt see you.

14

i drink one glass of red wine a day for my health, the rest of the bottle is because i like being drunk.

14

school is pointless
-------------------
ENGLISH we speak it
HISTORY they're dead get over it
MATH 1+1=2 Beyonce taught us that
SPAINISH we have DORA

11

men don't grow up, they get bigger.

18

marriage is just a fancy word for adopting a overgrown male child that cannot be handled by his parents.

advice from my mum

12

mars is the only planet solely inhabited by robots

9

tickle me, and i'll tickle your neck with a knife.

10

I walk this
empty street
on the

Boulevard
Of
Broken
Dreams

where the city sleeps

and I'm the only one

and I walk alone

21

my shadow
is the only one
that walks beside me
my shallow heart
is the only thing
that's beating

sometimes
i wish
someone out there
will find me

'til then
i walk
alone

27

if a bar of soap falls, does the floor get clean or does the bar of soap get dirty.

10

nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

14

the year is 2060. iphone 843 is released. the screen touches you.

19

if i got a $1.00 every time i thought you were being a pervert, i would have exactly $69

14

I heart maple syrup.

8

the only real downside of being a virgin is that you could literally be used as a blood sacrifice at any given moment.

12

Two helium atoms were acting funny

HeHe

70

Break rules, not hearts.

410

well fuck, there went my new year's resolution!

182

Women
fall in love with
what they hear

Men
fall in love with
what they see

That's why
women wear make-up
and men lie

91

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