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Posts Liked by joaoalmeida

This year I'm secretly stuffing the turkey with marijuana so everyone can relax and enjoy my cooking for once.

164

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.

They seem like nice people.

356

The creative adult is the child who survived.

491

Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.

620

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

279

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

286

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

220

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

279

Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.

396

I like my meat rare.

That's why I eat unicorns for breakfast.

8

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone!

11

The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.

312

Rules for a happy Marriage:

1. Only yell at each other if the house is on fire

2. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight

3. Sex, lots of sex

11

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage, we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesday, I go Friday.

21

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages

• Friedrich Nietzsche

20

lazy is a very strong word.
i like to call it selective participation.

279

less walls &
more bridges

163

Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars falling out of a vending machine at once.

17

My friend Uwe is getting married in Italy, I forgot the bride's name but 'Negroni' is my new favorite drink.

20

The truth is, airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls.
The walls of hospitals have heard more whispers of prayers than churches.

103

Who are we?
WOMEN

What do we want?
WE DON'T KNOW

When do we want it?
NOW

25

You have six or seven friends in life; everyone else is just scenery.

18

Not that you're fat or something...

but are you pregnant?

15

everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby

28

Forgive and forget?

Sorry, I'm not God...

I don't have Alzheimer's either.

43

I think part of the reason we hold on to something so tight is because we fear something so great won't happen twice.

47

To get some enemies you don't need to declare war, just say what you think

Martin Luther King

61

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

82

14,000 people are having sex right now.

25,000 are kissing.

50,000 are hugging.

And you... well you're reading this post.

104

It has been a long week... I need one of those hugs that turn into sex.

104

save your anger for the bedroom

85

Don't be sad laundry,
no one is doing me either

222

Some
people
aren't
really
all that
they
"post"
to be.

31

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead, he is just afraid to move.

13

Suche Haus mit großem Balkon, damit ich zum Volk sprechen kann!

12

Monopoly is an old game because there is a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

12

A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

9

Go to work. Send your kids to school. Follow fashion. Act normal. Walk on the pavement. Watch TV. Save for your old age. Obey the law. Repeat after me:
I AM FREE

15

daily routine:
get up, be amazing, go back to bed.

21

I just read that 4.154.237 people got married last year. Not to start any trouble. But it should be an even number.

17

Dem Taxifahrer besoffen die Welt erklären!

10

I'm never sure what to do with
my eyes when I'm at the dentist.

26

You know something bad is about to happen when you hear: Hold my beer and watch this!

20

today has been cancelled - go back to bed

40

my life is based on a true story

59

if were not meant to have a midnight snack, why is there a light in the fridge?

24

Sadly, my day requires pants.

27

swiss

+

49

jesus backwards sounds like sausage.

22

Sometimes I drink a glass of water...
just to surprise my liver.

29

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments

69

Sometimes I just want to give it all up and become a handsome billionaire.

39

stop selling leggings to hippos!

42

IT'S SNOWING, QUICK TELL EVERYONE ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

#not

69

You can't say HAPPINESS without saying PENIS.

101

Friends
don't let you do stupid things
-
alone

82

I find the best way to get rid of telesales people is to ask them - "What are you wearing?"

32

Askhole- A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

77

Life begins after coffee

121

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164

You look like I need another drink.

140

Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

628

Never
make eye contact while eating banana.

339

i licked it, so it's mine.

195

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