Posts Liked by ThomasKuperus

what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

hang on to your nuts this isn't you're usual blow job.

what if car horns are car's g-spots and every time you hear a honk it's a car's scream of pleasure.

Life is too ironic to fully understand.
It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence.

The only thing worse than being blind is having sight, but lacking vision.

apparently saying "a meal for two with a hairy view" is not the appropriate way to say 69.

keith: what do you get when you put nutella on salmon?

me: i don't know?

keith: you get salmonella.

keith: hahahaha!

me: i want a divorce.

we need a universal hand signal for
"shut the fuck up, my mum doesn't know yet."

do these people in the movies who wander off alone into the woods not watch the movies.

me: why the fuck does my back hurt, i'm 25 not 70.

brother: maybe if you spent less time on your back with your legs in the air.

me: oh do shut the fuck up!

me: uugghh!

keith: what's wrong?

me: i just fell off the bed trying to take a nude pic for you. i think i broke my wrist.

keith: LMFAO!

the waitress asked if i was done with that. i said yes, but i'm married to it.

I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun... Well you don't need running shoes to run but it fucking helps.

me: what did you learn in school today.

declan: nothing good, teacher says i have to go back tomorrow.

me: okay, sorry i asked.

NO GUTS NO GLORY, NO LEGEND NO STORY

We can, we always could. We just never knew if we would. Never knew we should...

PRANK IDEA!

go to Walgreen's, get a box of condoms. then ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.

not saying she's a whore but she's played with more balls than micheal jordan.

so, my nephew and i were baking a cake and my boyfriend reached into the cabinet when a sealed bag of bacon bits fell into the batter. my boyfriend looked at me and said with a straight face "i guess we're bacon a cake"

if you think there's nothing better then sex, you've never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and pull someone else over.

2 dyslexics run into a bank...

air in the hands mother sticker this is a fuck up!

"don't" and "stop" two important words to obey, especially when said together.

$so, keith is teaching declan a math lesson when i interrupt... keith: if i have one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other hand, what is that? me: Shrek begging for mercy.$

look to your left

------------------->

i said left, idiot.

at one point in my life, i was exactly pi years old.

Whatever happens..

Don't use the bathroom in your dreams..

It's a setup!

when life shuts a door...

open it, again.

it's a door.

that's how they work.

if the next president is white that means the united states has successfully "gone black" and then gone back.

grammar is the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.

it is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

i wouldn't say you were stupid.

you are, but i wouldn't say it.

are you bored? go to wal-mart and go to the fitting rooms, wait a minute then yell out "hey, there's no toilet paper in here"

girls be 14, looking 18, acting 21...

boys be 21, looking 18, acting 14.

ugh, vending machines are so homophobic...

i'm sorry that my dollar bill was'nt straight enough for you.

when you talk to people in different time zones your sending messages to the past and future, how cool do you feel now, time lord.

can you die from constipation? i'm a little worried about how full of shit people are.

it's kinda cute how we all celebrate the earth finishing another lap around the sun.

girls are like oceans, beautiful and deep. but once a month it's shark week.

it only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them...

the police call it indecent exposure but whatever...

FRIDAY IS MY SECOND FAVORITE "F" WORD!

i can't understand you, i don't speak assholian.

have you ever had one of those days when your holding a stick...

and everyone looks like a pinata.

i would like to apologize to anyone i have not offended yet. please be patient. i'll get to you shortly.

does "running late" count as exercise.

keith: what the fuck are you doing?

me: killing a spider!

keith: with a hammer?

fuck attractive people...

that's the plan.

STARBUCKS
would be a great name for a intergalactic bank.

i dare someone to kidnap me. as soon as my meds wear off. they'll pay me to leave!

Remember, if we get caught you're deaf and i don't speak english.

the lady ahead of me sped up so i did, she began walking faster and faster so i did, then she started running so i did, then she was screaming so i started screaming. i don't know what we we're running from but i was terrified

just had a fight with my alarm clock. it wanted to wake me up, i disagreed. a huge fight broke out, now the alarm clock is broken and i'm wide awake. not sure who won?

i'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you have one of the worst cases of terminal stupidity i have ever diagnosed.

when Thor throws his hammer he's serving justice.

when i throw a hammer they call it anger management issues.

apologizing doesn't mean you're right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.

my nephew just asked my boyfriend "how do stars die?"

my boyfriend said "drugs normally"

i'm not lazy i'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

my degree of sarcasm depends on your degree of stupidity.

don't break someone's heart, they only have one...

break their bones, they have 206 of them.

i hate when girls say "i need a man that can handle me"

you're a female, not a zoo animal. handle you're damn self.

dear customer service,

first of all i'm typing this with my middle finger........

the human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every fucking single one of them.

rabbits jump and live 8 years. dogs run and live 15 years. turtles do nothing and live 150 years, lesson learned.

i wonder...

do chinese tourists know that the souvineers they're buying are from China.

the only valentine's day cards i want is...

VISA,
MASTERCARD,
OR DISCOVER

"FBI, open the door"

"NO, it's cooler when you break in".

i don't like to think before i speak...

i like to be as surprised as everyone else what falls out of my mouth.

apparently, jokingly opening my legs open when the dentist says open wide is frowned upon in this establishment.

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

the best way to hang up on some one is in the middle of your own sentence. that way they don't suspect you of hanging up on them.

of all the lies "just kidding" is my favorite.

so, i was driving down the road when i saw this sign...

OUR SUBS ARE AN HONEST 8 INCHES, EVEN WHEN IT'S COLD OUTSIDE!

My best moments in life are the ones I can't tell anyone about.

tightly squeeze your left thumb to temporarily disable your gag reflex. perfect for when you're at the dentist.

or whatever else you may use it for.

I Hate spelling errors so much,

You mix up Two Words and your whole post is

Urined

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

what do you get when you cross a caterpillar with a parrot?

a walkie-talkie.

smartphone, smartphone, on a stick,

who has the fairest profilepic?

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.

The glass is refillable

This is a message for parents who deny their child because of his homosexuality.

You could make an effort. Look, he accepts you although you are idiots

When 3 people have sex, It's called a threesome.

When two people have sex, It's called a twosome.

Now I understand why they call you Handsome.

WHEN YOU ARE DEAD, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT YOU ARE DEAD. IT IS DIFFICULT ONLY FOR THE OTHERS.

IT IS THE SAME WHEN YOU ARE STUPID.

"I promise"

"I am sorry"

"I love you"

They all have 8 letters but so does "bullshit"

Grass is green err on the other
side.

Those anchor tattoos that say 'I refuse to sink' are so damn stupid. Do you even know what an anchor is?
They're supposed to sink, that's the point of an anchor. If you want a tattoo that says that make it be floaties or a pool noodle.

Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms from your left hand probably come from a different star than the atoms in your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing about the universe:
You are all stardust.

all I want is a partner who is way out of my league but thinks that I am way out of their league and we'll live together in perfect confused harmony with a dog

"I moan when I'm stretching to let all the guys know how it sounds fucking me"

"A vodka please"

"Ma'am this is McDonalds..."

"Oh, one McVodka please"

"We ended up cuddling."

"Whoa, you cuddled?!
How many times?"

If you think a girl looks good in a pic, comment on it.

It will probably make her day.

Girls can't find their hair ties but they know what you said 8 months ago on 6:43 PM

50 shades of sick of everyone's shit

There are 492 billionaires on earth and none of those losers has decided to become batman.

when people try to hurt my feelings

HAHA

I have none.

mom: did you get home safe?

me: no, I died like seven times.

A group of kids is called a migraine.

"If this job interview doesn't work out can I call you to go out sometime?"

Use three adjectives to describe yourself

"I hate questions like this."

Interviewer:

What are qualities that you could bring to our company?

My answer:

How much time do you have and where do I begin.

Mr Smith, where can you see yourself in ten years?

a mirror?

welcome aboard.

"what are your weaknesses?"

"I would call them things I suck at but am trying to be good at."

"Here in you're resume says you can speak French?"

- "Si Si"

"Okay that's Spanish"

"K, so please add
spanish to it as well"

"I'm confident, bold, and I am not afraid to take risks, " I told the interviewer.

"That may be the case, but would you please get out of my chair and wait outside with the other applicants until your name is called, " he replied.

what is my most memorable thing i have done in the last 10 years....
i have discovered the bold app and found that it is easier to map the surface of pluto with divining rods and a pencil, than to win a bold competition

*walks in the interview room*

interviewer: and you are?

me: better than you

*out from the room*

me: nailed it!

{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}

Resume?

oh sorry sir I thought you said rescue me, so I brought a rope.
Quick grab it , maybe I can still save this interview.

{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}{{{}}}}

Ok
thank you

we call you back soon

But you dont have my phone number !

Take risks: if you win, you will be a winner; if you lose, you will atleast be wise.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

"Firing you."

"Hello! I'm Bob and I'm here for the job interview?"
"We're sorry, but you're not what we're looking for"
"What? I haven't even been interviewed yet!"
"Out boss is looking for a lucky worker. Therefore we throw out half of the candidates to see which ones are unlucky..."

Not sure if I don't have experience because I have no job or I have no job because I have no experience.

If I'd get a dollar everytime someone thought I am rich because I live in Switzerland,

well, then
I'd actually be rich.

It takes a lot to make me angry, but some people know exactly how to piss me off within 0.2 seconds

Am I the only person that texts people like 4 messages at a time that could easily be put in one?

my brain has too many tabs open.

we'll, we'll, we'll if this isn't autocorrect

Autocorrect is like that annoying child who you tell to stop touching something and they poke it just to piss you off.

autocorrect more like autoincorrect

to the person who invented autocorrect:

DUCK YOU

training for a marathon

(on netflix)

My doctor told me to watch my drinking so I found a few places with mirrors behind the bar.

i want to fuck you so bad right now.

damn autocorrect..

i meant hey.

correct me if I'm wrong, but don't correct me if you are

It's okay.

My comebacks are as epic as my fuck-ups.

you think you're cool but actually you're just 37°C

I want my last words to be "hey, wanna see a dead body?"

I like to push my body to the limit, but not in the healthy living way more in the how much pasta can I eat before I am unable to physically move way

do you love me?

breathe if yes

give me 5000$ if no

excuse me, what did you say?
I can't hear you,
I have an ear disease called
I don't fucking care.

'Astronomers find black hole 12bn times bigger than the sun'

OKAY, like sometimes I get the feeling scientists should better keep some things to themselves.

I love old movies. They're not cliché, they're classic.

MODERN ART =

I COULD DO THAT
+
YEA BUT YOU DIDN'T

"What would you consider to be your main weakness?"

"Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not."

"And your strength?"

"I'm Batman."

What happened to old zealand?

When people say something like "Social Media is so dumb. I mean why would you spend more than ten minutes a day on your phone?!" and I'm just like
"Why/How would you spend less than ten minutes a day on your phone?!"

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer

I heard you like bad girls...

I'm bad at everything.

some of us are so scared of the unknown that we create our own cages

If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine, it's lethal.

I know, I swear too much:

1. Sorry about that
2. I'll try to stop
3. 1&2 are lies
4. you can fuck off

I don't want good morning texts

I want good morning transfers to my bank account

a meal without wine is called breakfast

when guys ask "can you cook?"
"umm, can you kill a mammoth?"

If it takes someone 12 minutes to get the straw into the Capri Sun, this should give you some indication as to what they are like in bed.

Back away slowly, then run fast, run far.

The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can't be learned at school.

It is not that the meaning cannot be explained. But there are certain meanings that are lost forever the moment they are explained in words.

Spend your money on the things money can buy.

Spend your time on the things money can't buy.

I sometimes think that people's hearts are like deep wells. Nobody knows what's at the bottom.

All you can do is imagine by what comes floating to the surface every once in a while.

I correct auto correct
more often than
auto correct corrects me

When I die, I want my tombstone to read:

"Well, I tried. "

day 4 in the yard: My milkshake has melted and is beginning to spoil,
still no sign of the boys

Here's to the nights that turned into mornings with the friends that turned into family.
Cheers to you.

Get rich or drunk trying.

It's okay if you don't like me, not everyone has good taste.

If someone points at your black clothes and asks, whos funeral it is, you just look around the room, and answer, 'haven't decided yet.'

Nice is just a place in France

*takes twenty years to develop a nice golden tan*

*loses tan in two days*

It's almost time for bed, so I guess I'll just check boldomatic, twitter and instagram real quick and watch three seasons of a tv show on netflix

"you look different without makeup"

Well I didn't spend all my money on bronzer, eyeliner, foundation etc. to look the exact same

people who use "gay" as a swear word can get the f*** out

where are you now that I need you?

"In this world no one actually is busy,
it's all about who and what you consider your priorities"

iTunes has got it ALL WRONG:
the hottest single of the year is me

after releasing the song "sugar" adam levine had a 5 pound bag of sugar thrown over him.

unrelated to that I will be releasing my song "money" later this week

Find three hobbies you love:
one to make money,
one to keep you in shape,
and one to be creative

when you are truly genuine, there will invariably be people who do not accept you. and in that case, you must be your own badass self, without apology

what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?

Imagination.

I think you are suffering from a lack of vitamin me

she wants the
(netflix passwor)d

I'm not the type of friend who tells you what you want to hear.

I'm the one who's going to tell you what you need to hear.

You are a magical clump of atoms on a tiny rock spinning around a star.

If I had a twin that was 5 minutes younger than me I would always say "When I was your age" and proceed to tell them what I did 5 minutes ago

dad: why are you eating now? it's nearly 1 AM

me: if we weren't supposed to eat midnight snacks,
please explain me why there's a light in the fridge

DIFFICULT ROADS
OFTEN LEAD
TO BEAUTIFUL
DESTINATIONS

Be careful who you make memories with, those things can last forever.

the question is not what you look at, but what you see

your mind needs as much exercise as your body. thats why I think about jogging every day

apparently, jokingly opening my legs open when the dentist says open wide is frowned upon in this establishment.

I only grow apart from people who don't grow.

KARMA HAS NO MENU.

YOU GOT SERVED WHAT YOU DESERVED.

TOO BAD THERE ISN'T A VACCINE AGAINST STUPIDITY.

sad to see how many friends turn into strangers every year

My husband and I are doing a workshop.

He works, I shop.

I swear, sometimes it's like some people want me to hate them.

I've reached that age where my brain went from "you probably shouldn't say that" to "what the hell, let's see what happens"

stupid autocorrect

you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

"you support gay rights so you must be gay"

I also support animal rights do I look like a fucking alpaca to you?!

I never finish anyth

$80% of the people are not good at math. I guess I belong to the other 25%$

maybe we're just in love with the idea of being loved

lazy is such an ugly word

I prefer the term selective participation

etc.

end of thinking capacity

instead of saying LOL, i'm going to say SALTS (smiled a little then stopped) it's more truthful.