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blackboxmagic

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blackboxmagic

Better grab my dumbrella.

It's really stupid out there today.

98

Can't wait for the day some kid grows up and sues their parents for plastering their face all over the Internet.

47

If I had 24 hours to live...

Ah, fuck it. I'd probably just sit and eat chicken from a bucket.

51

63

We are all tomorrow's memories.

If we're lucky.

33

They tried to bury me.
They didn't know I was a seed.

54

Why is there always
money for war
but not for education?

37

Life's a bitch but
we're a couple
and we cuddle.

17

It may take me longer to get to the top but that's because I'm carrying my self-respect with me.

34

I take pride in these walks of shame.

19

Damn girl, you've got a great future behind you.

32

If you don't fit in, you're most likely on the right path.

24

Look mummy,
there's a swirly dog egg in the sand pit .

21

The sky is not the limit,
your belief system is.

22

A wise man told me:

"Don't argue with fools, 'cause people from a distance can't tell who is who."

15

I haven't cursed all day.

I'm a fucking gentleman.

26

THE OLDER I GET
THE BETTER I WAS.

14

L I V E
T O B E
B O L D

12

I turned my back
on the sunset
to stare at
you instead.

12

Go
fuck
your
selfie.

21

The longer I stay at home,
the more homeless I look.

17

Everyone's a whore,
we just sell different parts of ourselves.

18

We build too many walls and not enough bridges.

23

If it doesn't challenge you,
it won't change you.

16

Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

21

Life is short. There is no time to leave important words unsaid.

16

I spend too much time in my own head.

24

Don't believe
everything you think.

23

Evening
sunrise

12

There are two rules for success:

1. Never reveal everything you know.

17

9

Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you into skyscrapers.

13

Starve your distractions.

Feed your focus.

14

DIE WITH MEMORIES

NOT DREAMS

20

People say I'm a hyperchondriac,

which really hurts.

17

According to my doctor, it should be OK for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.

He said I have a weekend immune system.

8

An outstretched hand shows more strength than a clenched fist.

9

Every time I see a typo, a little piece of me dies inside.

8

Let's open a
vegan steakhouse.

13

DON'T LIVE
THE SAME YEAR
75 TIMES AND
CALL IT A LIFE.

15

Covid started out as a virus then mutated into an IQ test.

10

If you're feeling down,

look me up.

14

The trouble is, you think you have time.

17

I'd love to stay and chat but I'm lying.

18

I'm at the launderette separating colours like apartheid.

8

It hasn't been the same without you.

It's been better.

10

An artist is not paid for his labour,
but paid for his vision.

16

Having followers
does not make
you a leader.

16

The first step to blinding someone is getting them to open their eyes.

5

Worry less about gaining the upper hand,

try offering a helping hand.

9

The key to eating healthy?

Avoid any food that has a TV commercial.

9

When you see someone crying,

ask them if it's because of their haircut.

15

Never trust a smile and never judge a scowl.

6

You will never be as young as you are right now.

So live life now because there is no tomorrow.

11

If you died today,
what ideas,
what dreams,
what abilities,
what talents,
what gifts,
would die with you?

15

BE STRONG.

You never know who you are inspiring.

10

There is no
substitute
for the touch
of another
human being.

15

If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

15

Most
people
are
OK
when
they're
OK.

9

The definition of a serious conversation is one that is likely to offend a large number of people.

7

True friends speak highly of you behind your back.

13

I like the Bold community because there isn't any pretentiousness that most other social media platforms are plagued with.

Rock on you Bolders!

14

Valentine's Day is around the corner

so if you're secretly in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

14

Weird how toast tastes better when it's cut diagonally.

14

I may not be perfect but perfect isn't always perfect.

12

It's OK to cry.

The sky does it too.

14

WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY

oh, here it is.

14

Life isn't as serious as the
mind makes it out to be.

12

There are three types of people in this world...

those that can count,

and those that can't.

13

Think I'll start the New Year with a happy ending.

13

A gentleman is simply
a patient wolf.

13

You're not a geek, darling.

You're just a whore who found glasses.

13

Do not let
your roots
turn into
your chains.

13

US millionaires now have $50 trillion in wealth.

$1 trillion is 1,000 billion.

For an estimated $30 billion you can end world hunger.

You can wipe out the entire national debt of the US with just 25% of that wealth.

13

I squat, tuck my head between my legs and lean forward.

That's how I roll.

13

Seek respect,
not attention.
It lasts longer.

13

They laugh at me because I'm different.

I laugh at them because they're all the same.

13

Eyes are windows to the soul?

Mine are two-way mirrors into your bullshit.

12

Half the world is paranoid.

The other half's password is password.

8

Trump should hire the Chinese to build it.

They're pretty good at walls.

8

Real
magic is
human kindness.

9

The word 'Fat' just looks like someone took a bite out of the first letter of the word 'Eat'.

12

If you can master being comfortable alone, the world is yours.

12

Caller: "My computer won't respond to anything I'm doing."

Tech: "Oh, sounds like it's frozen."

Caller: "Well can you defrost it?"

9

Need to post this urgent message before my ba

7

That moment when you find a hair in your food and hope it's yours.

12

I used to be arrogant,

now I'm perfect.

11

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in the world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH".

12

Write down what it is you want.
Make a plan.
Work on it.
Every.
Single.
Day.

12

Thinking is the
hardest work
there is.

That is why
so few people
engage in it.

12

You're about as much use as a ladder
for a carpet-fitter.

12

Checking your phone,
checking your phone,
checking you're not here all alone.

12

How am I supposed to make important life decisions when I can't even decide which Instagram filter to use?

12

I don't have another half.

I am a complete person.

12

Better to be
someone for a day
than no-one for a
lifetime.

12

I fell in love with you
because of the million things you didn't know you were doing.

11

I feel small
but so are stars
from a distance.

12

FUCK 'EM

I didn't wanna
go to heaven
anyway.

11

Paradise is
not a place,

it is a state of consciousness.

12

And so your life's been a success,
And you've had pleasure in excess,
Don't worry, it will all end soon,
The crack of doom is coming soon.

12

Lose the attitude and
show some gratitude.

12

You're not a star,
you're just an asterisk.

6

Sugar kills more people today than gunpowder.

6

No country who emptied the shelves at the first sign of panic last year should look down their noses at people fleeing from actual war and terror.

5

Do it for the love.

Don't do it for the likes.

11

Apartheid was LEGAL
The Holocaust was LEGAL
Slavery was LEGAL
Colonialism was LEGAL

Legality is a matter
of power, not justice.

11

If Barack Obama was elected in Kenya, he'd be the first white president.

11

Don't you think it's strange that there's a light in the fridge but never in the freezer?

11

Dear teenager:

Quick, go and get a job and find somewhere to live while you still know everything.

11

Wanna know how I get by on 4 hours sleep?

I just sleep faster.

11

When I'm on holiday
I feel like the person
I'm supposed to be.

11

Normal is just an illusion.

What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

11

You're on a planet spinning around in the middle of absolutely nowhere.
You came here to visit for a handful of years and then you're going to leave. How can you live all stressed-out over everything? Don't do it.

11

Sometimes the bloopers and outtakes are more entertaining than the film itself.

11

Fuck you, that's why.

11

Every time I see a typo, a little piece of me dies inside.

11

The closer you get to power, the further you get from truth.

11

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

9

A shortcut
is just the
long way
in disguise.

10

What are you willing to lose
to win back your freedom?

11

There is no WiFi in the forest but I guarantee you'll find a better connection.

11

INTROVERTS
UNITE

(separately, in
your own homes)

11

How loud can you whisper?

11

Those who don't like your posts are the ones paying attention the most.

11

You know it's time to do the housework when the cockroaches pack up their things and leave.

11

Love when you're ready,
not when you're lonely.

11

I'm reading about
how to fight
smartphone addiction
on a smartphone.

11

Was she born with it?

Nah, she was blessed with good jeans.

11

So hungry I could eat a phone book.

10

Amazing things are on the other side of fear.

10

WISH
YOU
WERE
HER

10

The problem with my memories is that I was there when they happened.

10

Life's a bitch

and I've got a hardon.

10

Hi! I just called to say I can't talk right now.

10

If you want to see why you care so much about what you wear and what you hair is like, just don't do it one day and go somewhere dishevelled with your hair a mess and see what happens.

Your fears are not as bad as you think once confronted.

10

A man can be content with any woman as long as he does not love her.

10

You don't need more time or money to do the thing you keep putting off.

You just need the courage and dedication to see it through.

6

Money doesn't buy you love.

Money buys you distance from the people who matter.

10

The only meaningful interpretation of any religious teaching is to honour the divine within ourselves and love the divine in one another.

10

Just opened the fridge door to find the cheese tickling the lettuce.

Immature cheddar.

10

Funny how capitalism starts with cap it.

10

I don't wash my car before I take it to the valet,

so why do I brush my teeth before visiting the hygienist?

10

When I feel like
the fight's lost,
that's the day I turn my lights off.

10

I just managed to download the Titanic soundtrack to my phone despite some people saying it was unsyncable.

10

He needed a hero
so that's what he became.

10

Me and my playlist against the world.

8

Judge your success by the degree you're enjoying peace, health and love.

9

Your
stomach
thinks
all
potato
is
mashed.

9

I'll sum up marriage for you...

Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

9

With
awareness
comes
responsibility.

9

Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people.

- Socrates

9

Acts of kindness are
good.

Random acts of kindness are
better.

Anonymous acts of kindness are
best.

9

The opposite
of addiction
is connection.

9

Non-white people inhabiting foreign shores are called immigrants.

White people inhabiting foreign shores are called ex-pats.

5

Just because you are a character doesn't mean you have character.

9

Home is where the wifi automatically connects.

9

As a rule, a man's a fool

When it's hot, he wants it cool

When it's cool, he wants it hot

Always wanting what is not

9

Flip her over and play the B side.

9

Fuck
hope.
Take
action.

9

If money didn't exist,
would you still chase your dreams?

9

I've looked at all 76 sides of this cereal box and still can't find the best before date.

9

Dear humans,

Stop using my image to convey your strength and prowess.

Y'all ain't shit.

- Lion

9

That annoying experience when the progress bar takes 5 seconds to reach 99% and then sits at 100% for 5 minutes.

9

Some that are
old enough
to know better
know no better.

9

If you dare to look, you will see that you live your entire life based on the model you built around yourself.

Michael A Singer
"The Untethered Soul"

9

It takes a good woman to make a better man.

Problem is, good women aren't my type.

9

The new year means nothing if you're still in love with your comfort zone.

9

When I get tired of the same clothes, or grow out of them, I bag them up and give them to charity.

What should I do when I get tired of my whole life?

9

We need faith now more than ever because our ideologies are obscuring the fact that we have more important things in common than in conflict.

9

I never let
schooling
interfere with
my education.

9

The beauty's in the gutter,
this entire world is flawless.

9

What did the pastry say to the apples as they were thrust into the oven?

Let's get ready to crumble!

9

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

Europe early, let's make pancakes!

9

Popularity is the slutty little cousin
of prestige.

9

I must go back to the sea again, the wonderful sea in the sky. I left my pants and socks there, I wonder if they're dry.

9

Going over to Susy's house, I can't be alone tonight.

9

Life is tough
but I am tougher.

9

Saturday should be the first day of the week because it's the only day with a turd in it.

9

Mondays are fine.

It's your life that sucks.

9

Spend less time being cosmetic
and more time being cosmic.

9

Laziness is an illusion.
Do not wait for motivation,
create it.

9

You know your social life is questionable when you text your friends to ask if it's OK to call.

9

Bill Cosby walks into a bar

I don't remember the rest.

9

If we never had the ability to see ourselves in reflections, paintings, photos or videos,
would vanity still exist?

9

Some people act like H2O

without the 2.

9

When I'm alone in the elevator, I like to pull crazy faces and dance like a lunatic just before the doors open.

9

Deep inside,
there is
greatness
in you.

Never
give
up.

9

I'm in a good mood today.

I'll be flirting with all you bitches shortly.

9

Sorry I missed your call.

I was scrolling through Boldomatic and didn't want to lose my place.

9

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION
TO THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T CLAP WHEN YOU WIN

9

I'm going to make you so proud.

- note to self

9

Things may come to those who wait,
but only the things left over by those who hustle.

8

Money talks
but I'm not listening.

9

I love how people advertise their whereabouts on Facebook when on holiday.

One day I'm gonna be like, "right, I'm gonna rob you now and there's nothing you can do about it".

9

BoldSecurity is following me.

Should I be worried?

9

It takes teamwork to make a dream work.

9

GO FUCK
YOUR SELFIE

9

Every Sunday he rises, long after the Sun, with complete clarity. But as he lays there, the Sun burns its route across the sky. Intense thoughts evaporate under the heat forming new clouds. One day they will rain on someone else.

9

Imagine if weekends didn't exist.

9

Come on officer, it's just sugar.

9

Sometimes I
skip a beat
but I never
lose the rhythm.

8

Give people a second chance,
but never a third.

8

Being attracted to your own flaccid penis would be the worst fetish ever.

8

For most of human history, vehicles had automatic collision avoidance and could even take you home when you were sleeping or drunk.

Then we got rid of
the horse.

8

Someday is not a day of the week.

8

STOP SCROLLING

Just for a moment. Pause and appreciate
your existence.

8

I hate when you gently toss your phone on your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock down 2 lamps, and kill a cat.

8

Telling the
truth is an adventure.

4

8

SODCASTING

Broadcasting your
opinions without
considering your
surroundings.

5

If all the bears' porridge was served at the same time, why were the three bowls all such different temperatures?

7

Money does not change you,
it just reveals who you really are.

6

The older you are, the harder it gets.

Unless it's your dick.

8

When you say:

"I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy"

clearly they're not your worst enemy.

6

Insurance is a scam. They should call it 'incaseshit'. We give them money in case shit happens. And if shit don't happen, shouldn't we get our money back?

- Chris Rock

8

Some people have a tumour in their humour.

8

He looked at her like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.

8

FUCK
THE
POLICE

8

STOP
MAKING
STUPID
PEOPLE
FAMOUS

8

myspacebarisbroken

8

Kinky Krystal doesn't keep all her vegetables in the kitchen.

5

Are you really living life?

Or are you just paying bills until you die?

8

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.

8

3 Steps To Genius

1. Master the rules
2. Break the rules
3. Rewrite the rules

8

I don't mean to come across as being inconsiderate, but mama always said if you don't love it then get rid of it.

8

Don't ejaculate into a spinning fan.

8

Death to the fakeness,
rise in the realness.

8

Exist
to survive
or live
to succeed.

8

This looks how it's
supposed to look but it
doesn't feel like it's
supposed to feel.

8

So drunk I need Viagra just to stand up straight.

8

Beauty is in the
eye of the media.

8

War! What is it good for?

Capitalism. Obviously.

8

Go
fuck
your
selfie.

7

Kill someone on behalf of an individual, you're a hitman and go to jail.

Kill someone on behalf of a government, you're a soldier and get a shiny medal.

8

When I get brainfreeze

I scream!

8

The best doctor prescribes the least medicines.

8

I must've steamrolled my face across the stars again.

8

Just because you can,
doesn't mean you should.

8

Start with love and everything will be alright.

8

Interesting how cultural subtleties are lost with subtitles.

8

In a world of clones
I stand alone.

8

Power is an illusion.

Relinquish control and the world is yours.

8

Feeling like a fire hydrant in a room full of dogs.

8

If ignorance is bliss, that explains my misery.

7

Handcuffed to reality.

6

Lions and tigers may be stronger,
but wolves don't perform in the circus.

8

Pretentious?
Moi?

3

Money itself is not the root of all evil but it can expose the evil within people.

7

It's time to start treating Donald Trump and Boris Johnson for what they really are.

Mental patients.

7

No matter how kind you are,
German children are kinder.

7

Every day, someone on Earth unknowingly does the biggest poo in the world for that day.

7

Your shadow is a confirmation that light has travelled 93 million miles unobstructed only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

7

Just caught
a flat on the road to riches.

7

Cynicism is
far too easy
to be useful.

7

"Don't
quote
me on
that. "

7

Sometimes I stay in the car to listen to music a little bit longer.

7

The most credible source of knowledge is what you come to know by direct experience.

7

Your goals are a year old today.

Just saying.

7

Oh my, look at your Louis Vuitton handbag.

How original.

7

We are on the slow trajectory of a
collapsing civilisation.

7

We live in a scary time of guided missiles and misguided men.

7

You are free
to do
as we tell you.

7

My walls are so thin
I can smell my neighbour's farts.

7

OK, so the streets aren't paved with gold.

But at least they're paved.

7

I'm sorry I can't
apologise.

6

In the deepest part of our psyche we all want to be judged.

7

To have love and lost is better than to have never loved at all.

No! To love at all, no matter how fleeting, is NEVER to have lost.

7

Fear can hold you prisoner.
Hope can set you free.

- The Shawshank Redemption

7

Everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything.

7

What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys everyone a drink?

A fungi.

7

That moment when there's a flash of bright white light and you wait for the thunder...

and there's nothing but silence.

7

When you have to start compromising yourself and your morals for the people around you, it's probably time to change the people around you.

7

Would
you
like
an
adventure
now
or
shall
we
have
tea
first?

7

1,000,000%
of statistics are exaggerated.

7

"It's about time you realised who wears the curry-stained trousers in this relationshit."

- Human Traffic

7

I like listening to music through headphones because it sounds like it's coming from the centre of my brain.

7

BUILD YOUR DREAMS,
OR SOMEONE WILL HIRE YOU
TO BUILD THEIRS.

7

Hell is what you go through.

Heaven is what you make it.

7

What a weekend!

Really should pick my car up from the valet now that it's Tuesday.

7

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all night.

7

The first knock should always be quiet,
with the intention of getting attention without causing a disturbance.

7

Our shared destiny is death and our shared need is life.

7

Turnover is vanity

Profit is sanity

Cash is reality

7

Seek solace in solitude on Sundays.

7

Too much love and not enough courage turns a man to a ghost.

7

Everything I have is everything I need.

7

Some people are so poor,
all they have is money.

7

I don't bite
but I heard you might...

so let me feed your appetite.

7

The best
parts of my life don't make it to the Internet.

7

7

My ego is not my amigo.

7

"I can't stand it!"

Yes you can. Whilst we are alive, we can take anything that life has to throw at us. We can take it, until we are dead.

7

Married men live longer than bachelors because they're trying to outlive their wives so they can be bachelors again.

7

Learn to grab less napkins at fast food restaurants.

7

Maybe she's born with it.

Maybe it's three different apps.

7

It's better to have a hole in your team than to have an arsehole in your team.

7

I know I look good for my age

but I wasn't born yesterday.

7

I hate being bipolar,
it's awesome.

7

I GOT 99 PROBLEMS

and I'm dealing with
them one at a time.

4

A life of mediocrity is the most tragic life of all.

7

The last black hole threw my passport back at me.

7

With social networking comes social responsibility.

7

Don't you think things
seem less classy today
than they used to
back in the day?

7

Different day,
same shift.

7

I'm not fussed about
life after death,
I'll be happy to live
life after debt.

7

What if every country has ninjas but we only know about the Japanese ones because they're rubbish?

6

Have you ever fallen asleep eating a plate of cauliflower, then woken up thinking you are in the clouds?

6

Bloom where you are fortunate enough to be planted.

6

FREE WI-FI

WI-FI IS INNOCENT

6

Real gangsters
die of old age.

6

We can do anything by working with each other.

6

Revel
in the
turmoil.

6

Some things just happen to people.

It's what you do
next that counts.

6

I'm not saying I've been everywhere and done everything

but you'd have to be some kind of fool to think we're all alone in this universe.

6

If I touch my phone in the right places, a pizza will show up at my door.

6

Trying to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying on commercial airlines.

6

They should announce a sequel to Groundhog Day and then just re-release the original.

6

I wish I had a Mario Kart-like ghost of myself getting ready for work in the morning so I'd know if I was running late.

6

When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.

6

The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.

6

I was drunk on your love.

I'm sober now.

6

I phoned the spiritual leader of Tibet and he sent me a goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned "Dial-A-Lama".

6

X88B88

looks like the word voodoo reflected off of itself.

6

French people call
pins'n'needles
"ants in the leg".

6

USB sounds like a backup if the USA fails.

6

The only time privileged white folks visit black neighbourhoods is during political campaigns.

6

B
U
L
L
S
H
I
T

6

You will never know what your parents sacrificed to raise you.

6

At least having a prime minister completely devoid of human emotion is preparing us for when the machines take over.

6

6

Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

5

There are two types of people in the world.

Those who finish sentences and

6

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors...

and all of them got laid.

6

Theresa may not.

6

When the
night falls,
my lonely heart
calls.

6

The best teacher
of the future is the past.

6

Everyone you meet knows something you don't.

6

I get by
with a little help
from my

pharmaceuticals

6

Just ordered some duct tape so I can piece together my memories.

6

I've never had a splinter in my life.

Touch wood.

6

If you had the opportunity to create a 3 minute showreel of your life to be remembered by when you're gone, what would it consist of?

6

I had a great time last w kend.

Oops, dropped a couple of 'e's.

6

Fashion queen?

Honey, you couldn't dress a salad.

6

Some days I go to work and get annoyed by all the people in my way.

Other days I see the hundreds of stories yearning to be told and smile quietly to myself.

6

For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.

6

Keep high aspirations,

moderate expectations,

and small needs.

6

If you're not happy when I'm happy then you must be losing.

6

influencer
or
influenza

both are snotty and viral

6

Declaring you have nothing to prove is a contradiction in itself.

6

Trying to 'get it on' with a woman when heavily intoxicated is like trying to push a marshmallow through a keyhole.

5

Don't wish for it,
work for it.

6

When you're comfortable in your own skin, you get under someone else's.

4

Get rich

or try sharing.

6

Someone invented make up because they thought women weren't beautiful enough.

6

"Ladies first"

is just a nice way of saying

"Let me look at that ass while you walk in front of me"

6

Are your
best moments
yet to come?

6

Woman who cook rice and pees in same pot very unhygienic.

6

Can we execute the perfect jailbreak when we have become our own jailers?

6

Saw your mum on Tinder...

Swiped right...

IT'S A MATCH!

6

Young girls are getting ass implants as a result of twerking.

Maybe it's planting more ass insecurities instead of empowerment.

6

You've got to live your life the way you want to.

I'm just here telling you you ain't shit.

6

When I lash out,
I rip eyelashes out.

6

Have you ever met a hater doing better than you?

Me neither.

6

Depression is a luxury I can't afford.

6

Winners focus on winning.

Losers focus on winners.

6

SOCIAL MEDIA

Don't use it to impress people, use it to impact people.

6

Since my heart was broken,
new light shines through the cracks.

5

My neighbour across the street didn't complain about the party I had last night, but he did manage to Shazam the music from his basement.

5

There's plenty
more piss in
the toilet.

6

Feel the apathy
and do it anyway.

6

Fight life to the death.

6

All I want is a pretty girl with good manners and engaging conversation.

6

I may have Alzheimer's

but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

6

Tyres are black.
Why is the Michelin man white?

6

You wanna know what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.

You tell me what's going on!

6

Life's not a bitch, life's a beautiful woman.

You only call her a bitch 'cause she won't let you get that pussy.

3

Very rarely I am blessed with a clarity that enables a profound wisdom to flow through every fibre of my being.

I cherish these fleeting moments.

6

The youngest photo of you is
the oldest photo of you.

5

You think you know it all.

You're just a beginner.

5

My mate from Liverpool just got his kids a couple of bikes and a trampoline off the Internet.

I asked him which website he saw them on.

He replied, "Google Earth".

5

Just got tiny fidget spinners attached to each of my teeth.

5

There's nothing
I won't do
to protect
my family.

5

If it's being advertised to you, you don't need it.

5

Love
trumps
hate.

Trump
hates
love.

5

We used to fuck a lot.

Now I've got her number blocked.

5

Waiting for the toaster to pop and trying not to jump.

5

Hi, my name's Steven.
Would you like a little bit of company this evening?
I'll bring the wine, you can bring the cheese and...

Nah, fuck that let's get absolutely steaming!

5

CHERISH
EVERY
DAY

We'll all be nothing but memories soon

if we're lucky.

5

Your solution is the problem.

5

No one sees when you lose at solitaire.

5

Man who goes to bed with itchy rectum

wakes up with smelly fingers.

5

New year's resolution:

3840x2160

5

When your watch dies,
it records its time of death.

5

SWINGBALL

Inspired by
karma

5

Apology accepted,
trust denied.

5

INTERSTELLA
ARTOIS

5

I love your tits because they prove I can focus on two things at once.

5

Instead of expecting your wife to make you dinner every night like it's 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don't need to eat.

5

The helicopter is the ultimate "Fuck this, I'm outta here!" vehicle.

5

Which would you choose, fame, money or love?

5

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