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funnytweeter

@jeffswarens: Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

3

@SamuelHLowe: - I'm your son's teacher and I'm calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
- And a damn good one. I don't have any sons.

2

@albo_albert: *falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

2

@holymolynicole: My ex didn't realize 'cheat day' only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.

2

@topaz_kell: [impatiently yells]

"What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??"

And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.

2

@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.

2

@LinajkReturns: I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

1

@khook32: Apparently telling the principal that "it's not cheating, it's cooperative learning" was the wrong thing to say.

1

@samfromks: My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.

Starting to get suspicious...

What kind of monster still has a VCR?

1

@TheDrunkStory: "I don't understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober." - Florida State

1

@Marlebean: Kid: What's this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What's a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: ...

1

@ItsAndyRyan: 'Space Jam' never gets old - that's because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don't spoil. Hi, I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.

1

@LoveYoorFate: It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...

1

@Contwixt: Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

1

@Home_Halfway: WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

1

@TheDairylandDon: To avoid small talk with neighbors I've taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

1

@Spaziotwat: OF COURSE IT'S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

1

@Reverend_Scott: "PARTY FOWL" someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

1

@Elizasoul80: I don't want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

1

@RidiculousSheri: Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

1

@AnkCoupleTO: I'm always a little suspicious of women who say that they don't "remember things"

1

@LinajkReturns: Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.

0

@ClickBaite: Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water ...

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she's ever mixed for me now

0

@halloweenbears: If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like "yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph," literally nobody will know theyre fake

0

@houffy: *i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the "Hog Riders" meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless...this one was for motorcycles too.

0

@Jermaine_Accram: My "15 minutes of fame" are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

0

@Shot_Of_Cabo: [in DM]

She: Don't talk like that.

Me: With my thumbs?

0

@Kyle_Lippert: [A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can't wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

0

@breeinthestee: Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you're sprouting tinsel instead.

0

@GlumGeorgeLucas: Disney couldn't handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey's father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

0

@longwall26: haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

0

@jonnysun: sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

0

@DammitLarry1: The Fat Girl's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there's no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

0

@3sunzzz: If you love someone, let them go.

If they don't come back, get a dog.

0

@MomOfTeen: Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

0

@squirrel74wkgn: [on first date]

I'll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm...anything for the balloon with a woman's face drawn on it?

0

@TheDreamGhoul: I watched Mad Max and now I'm riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

0

@davidschneider: I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

0

@tastefactory: BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

0

@Underchilde: If you’re going to insist I get you a wedding gift, then I’m going to insist you bail me out when I get caught shoplifting it.

0

@Sean_Burgundy_: I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don't give someone a reason to talk to me

0

@Diversion50: [at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It's difficult to say.

0

@KyleMcDowell86: [Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

0

@ValeeGrrl: My daughter spelled America "Merica" on a book report so now I'm searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

0

@ItsLaTourette: *cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

0

@tastefactory: ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I'm moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

0

@_Tempo11: I don't dance. Unless it's for money.

0

@NotARatsAss: My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.

0

@AmishPornStar1: Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered "helping her vacuum."

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

0

@daemonic3: Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

0

@dave_cactus: [Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

0

@Brampersandon_: [zoo]
WIFE: Lets go see the giraffes
ME: No
W: why
M (remembering when a giraffe sat right in front of me at the movies): Fuck giraffes

0

@fro_vo: Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let's go look
Cop: ok

0

@kwirkyKerri: Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.

0

@pleatedjeans: [spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine

0

@mydmac: There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don't understand math

0

@iinkedZombie: [toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

0

@cbdoubleu: [Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call...

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.

0

@ch000ch: would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go "ahh makes sense"

0

@TheOnlyMANiC: Imagine Putting £5 worth of fuel in your car and your cars like

"well, since we're both being childish"

And refuses to open the door.

0

@nthonyswan: Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

0

@jonnysun: remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

0

@SuicideBooth1: [fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

0

@Vice_Queen: I'm Indian but not "able to read sanskrit" Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

0

@junejuly12: Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

0

@Home_Halfway: WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it's just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I'll be at my mothers

0

@brandonIee: Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

0

@Ivsy01: Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

0

@MyPornKhan: I'm a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I'm not allowed to be offended by anything.

0

@Gre_Gone: *horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

0

@AGreaterMonster: New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.

0

@Dawn_M_: Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

0

@Elizasoul80: "You had a life. It was this long. Here's a rock." - tombstones

0

@TheBoydP: To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon...

0

@just1fool: To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.

0

@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am?
Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get REALLY chatty.
C: You're free to go.

0

@moose_chocolate: "America is getting snow? How cute"

-Canadians

0

@brendohare: To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

0

@InternetHippo: AGE 18: There's someone special out there for you!
AGE 28: You'll find them one day!
AGE 38: It'll happen!
DEAD: Just be patient!

0

@WhaJoTalkinBout: Her: What's your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

0

@TheToddWilliams: [high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry...the men "are" ready to attack

0

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