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jaybyrd

maximum panic in 3...2...1

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jaybyrd

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

135

you remind me of a software update, whenever i see you i think
"not now!"

87

just saw a guy at starbucks.
no iphone, no tablet, no laptop.

he just sat there drinking coffee.

fucking psychopath.

88

starting a sarcastic group aggressively supporting other sarcastics, repost if you want in because if we get enough people we're getting jackets.

74

well fuck, there went my new year's resolution!

60

i have an entire forest living inside me, and you have carved your intials into every tree.

51

if you're alone, i'll be your shadow.

if you want to cry, i'll be your shoulder.

if you're not happy, i'll be your smile.

if you need a friend, i'll always be there.

56

it's so hard being a single mother when you don't have any kids and you're a male.

64

it's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

75

apparently, jokingly opening my legs open when the dentist says open wide is frowned upon in this establishment.

55

i hate it when people try to make small talk on the lift, "nice weather", "how are you today", "where's your pants"

39

i need a break from my own thoughts.

55

i bought shoes from a drug dealer...

i don't know what he laced them with but i've been tripping all day.

100

here's to the nights that turned into mornings with a friend that turned into family.

39

ugh, i wish there was a translator button on this app.

48

do not wear your mistletoe belt buckle to your office christmas party!!

36

can't dance? spell your name in the air with your bum.

boom. next problem?

78

if frodo can get the ring to mordor, you can stay at work.

75

i choose you. and I'll choose you, over and over and over. without a pause. without a doubt, in a heartbeat I'll keep choosing you.

36

repost this if you know someone that deserves a smack in the face with a shovel.

27

i can't understand you, i don't speak assholian.

39

i don't like to think before i speak...

i like to be as surprised as everyone else what falls out of my mouth.

60

no one in America should ever be afraid to walk down the street holding the hand of the person they love.

38

my mistake i thought since you looked like yoda you were wise too

42

i got so drunk last night i walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

87

funny, how my hand fits perfectly in your hand.

32

i can't promise to fix all your problems, but i can promise you won't have to face them alone.

46

on a scale of 1 to 10 i give America
1776.

35

welcome to our society, you will be judged by what you wear, how you act, and what you look like. enjoy your stay.

75

if i had my life to live again, i'd find you sooner.

30

not sure if i need sex, sleep, or to punch somebody in the face.

52

i keep my room messy because if someone tries to kill me, they'll trip over something.

53

in a room full of art, i'd still stare at you.

37

if you can't laugh at yourself...

call me, i'll do it.

59

this
shit
writes
itself.

41

i don't know how to act my age, i've never been this age before.

63

i'm not saying i hate you but i would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

66

oh thank God, i thought you'd never shut-up!

34

i see humans but no humanity.

47

you read my post, that's enough social interaction for one day.

39

proud owner of a penis.

repost if you own a penis.

21

with you...i'm home.

37

i will chase you around the moons of Jupiter before i give you up.

29

6.9
a good thing fucked up by a period.

51

I'm going to make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a backrub.

36

STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF!

24

the only valentine's day cards i want is...

VISA,
MASTERCARD,
OR DISCOVER

33

be a beautiful cupcake in a world full of muffins.

40

if i am silent it's because there's thunder inside me. or i'm just chillin, it depends. may the odds be ever in your favour.

19

me: siri, should i get a new family?

siri: i try to be satisfied with what i have.

me: siri, should i get a new family?

siri: I'm afraid i can't answer that.

me: siri, should i get a new family?

siri:

13

i don't care about the likes, i post what i want!

26

born to late to explore the earth.
born to early to explore the galaxy.
born just in time to browse boldomactic.

40

i am a animal in bed, more specifically a koala they can sleep up to 22 hours a day.

45

i love people that make me laugh, when i don't even want to smile.

34

friendship is not about who you've known the longest. it's about who walked into your life and said, "i'm here for you" and proved it.

30

you know what rhymes with drunk...

sex.

46

jayology

the study
of Jay

13

dear customer service,

first of all i'm typing this with my middle finger........

38

he's more myself than i am. whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.

25

i'm no weather man...

but you can expect a few inches tonight!

25

it's weird how we tell our kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is.

23

if donald trump wins the election, i volunteer as tribute for the Hunger Games.

28

my brain has too many tabs open.

50

i have never faked a sarcasm in my life!

43

"FBI, open the door"

"NO, it's cooler when you break in".

52

that awkward moment you're wearing Nike and you just can't do it.

31

instead of saying LOL, i'm going to say SALTS (smiled a little then stopped) it's more truthful.

46

i crave you in the most innocent form. i crave to say good night and give you forehead kisses and to say that i adore you when you feel at you're worst. i crave you in ways where i just want to be next to you and nothing more or less.

32

i always post weird things and forget i have followers, and this isn't some weird online diary.

31

fly me to the moon
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * *
and let me
play among
the stars

26

when people tell me "i'm going to regret that in the morning"

i sleep till noon because i'm a problem solver.

42

i want the kind of kiss that takes my breath away, makes my skin feel like electricity, and leaves me feeling dizzy and drunk for hours.

19

if you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.

that's science.

30

some of you motherfuckers on here are beyond needing Jesus, we're going to have to go all the way back to Norse Mythology to find the specific pagan god to fix your shit.

20

sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so that way i can slap several people at once.

42

during the nights of August 11-14, 2015 will be a massive meteor shower from 50 to 100 meteors an hour.

SPREAD THE WORD!

23

19

the best feeling in the world is when you hug someone and they hug you back tighter.

26

12 am get up, walk calmly to the bathroom, pee, look in the mirror quickly to make sure there's no masked killer behind you. turn off the lights run as fast as you can from the bathroom jump 2 feet in the air and land on the bed pull the covers up to your chin and glance around the room to make sure you did'nt leave any more killers behind you on your expedition back. relax and nuzzle back into your pillow.

21

another fine day ruined by responsibility.

33

so if a woman's bra is called a "over the shoulder boulder holder" then is a man's underwear called "under the butt nut hut?"

32

my nephew just asked my boyfriend "how do stars die?"

my boyfriend said "drugs normally"

38

it's not that I'm horny all the time. it's just that you're always fucking sexy.

39

I'm not always rude and sarcastic...

sometimes I'm asleep.

43

rabbits jump and live 8 years. dogs run and live 15 years. turtles do nothing and live 150 years, lesson learned.

42

grammar is the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.

35

you're my favourite daydream.

24

I've fallen for your laugh, which is utterly contagious. I've fallen for your smile, which makes me giddy for no reason at all. I've fallen for our late night talks, when 1 am arrives far too quickly. I've fallen for our jokes, which i'll remember days later and burst into laughter. I've fallen for how you can make my day better, even if i wanted to cry a minute before. I've fallen for every second i get to spend with you, even if those seconds will leave me wanting more.

20

i don't have a attitude problem, you have a problem with my attitude...

that's your problem, not mine.

27

OH GOD...PLEASE CURE MY HANGOVER AND I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN. AND FORGIVE ME FOR LYING IN ADVANCE FOR NOT DRINKING AGAIN.

34

IF WE CAN PUT A MAN ON THE MOON...

WE CAN PUT ONE ON YOU!

14

sometimes i think the sun and moon are lovers, who rarely meet, always chase, and almost always miss one another. but once in awhile they do catch up and they kiss and the world stares in awe of their eclipse.

24

my degree of sarcasm depends on your degree of stupidity.

47

got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour as he helped us look.

32

when i asked if my day could get any worse, it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

24

just had a fight with my alarm clock. it wanted to wake me up, i disagreed. a huge fight broke out, now the alarm clock is broken and i'm wide awake. not sure who won?

35

you can go to hell, i'm going to bed!

33

the human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every fucking single one of them.

38

how do i block you in real life?

33

let's all take a moment and send hugs to PenSword72!

33

don't break someone's heart, they only have one...

break their bones, they have 206 of them.

37

apologizing doesn't mean you're right or wrong, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.

49

i'm glad you were the strongest sperm.

21

i accidentally dropped my swear jar and about 900 "motherfuckers" escaped.

23

i wonder...

do chinese tourists know that the souvineers they're buying are from China.

32

i hate the word homophobia. it's not a phobia. you're not scared. you're an asshole.

38

The only lie i ever told you is that i liked you when i already knew i loved you.

29

you've changed everything i planned.

21

I'll decide when it's time to fuck myself, thank you very much

22

i solemnly swear that I'm up to no good.

26

i see no good reason to act my age.

27

do you smoke?

smokers: yes

non-smokers: no

stoners: smoke what?

43

I hate people who can go to sleep as soon as they close their eyes. that shit takes me 3 hours, 700 position changes, and a sacrifice to the gods.

24

have you ever had one of those days when your holding a stick...

and everyone looks like a pinata.

29

the older you get the more you appreciate being at home not doing a fucking thing.

41

i look at you, and i love you, and it terrifies me. it terrifies me what i would do for you.

24

a smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

32

soda becomes vodka. bikes become cars. kisses turn into sex. remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place and mum was your hero? race issues were about who ran the fastest. war was a card game. the most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees. and goodbyes only meant till tomorrow.

and we couldn't wait to grow up.

34

when Thor throws his hammer he's serving justice.

when i throw a hammer they call it anger management issues.

39

50 shades of dark circles under my eyes.

30

war vets with prosthetics are running marathons, and here i am trying to lasso the remote with the phone charger cord.

24

you can go to hell, i'm going to the club!

28

someone needs to go back to 1945, find donald trump's father and give him a condom.

26

if for any reason jaybyrd should offend any individuals, families, religous organizations, non profit organizations, political parties, corporations, cities, states, countries, or planets please know from the bottom of my heart to just lighten the fuck up these are just jokes you asshole!

14

so, if we lie to the government it's a felony...

if the government lies to us, it's politics.

30

you have to be odd to be number one.

40

this is the first time in history that the president of france will speak better english than the president of america.

27

ugh, i should of listened to my mother,

now there's a sentence you don't hear every day.

20

8 planets
204 countries
809 islands
7 seas
6,000,000,000+ people

and i found you. <3

22

i tried being normal once, it was the worst two minutes of my life.

23

your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

21

fuck attractive people...

that's the plan.

22

you act like it's you against the world. but it's really just you against yourself.

19

omg, how can you go on, and on for two hours and talk about absolutely nothing that is relevant to the conversation.

28

some open minds should be closed for repairs.

32

my fantasy is having two men...

one cooking and
one cleaning.

21

i'm not lazy i'm just highly motivated to do nothing.

34

I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID...

I WAS HUNGRY.

30

i hate when girls say "i need a man that can handle me"

you're a female, not a zoo animal. handle you're damn self.

41

gay marriage

(let's just call it marriage now)

27

today is NATIONAL TAKE YOUR FLASK TO WORK DAY...

i just made it up, tell the others.

20

what if the government was hiding pokemon at area 51?

29

okay...it's not funny anymore where's the real republican presidential candidate?

25

i know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

29

thank God someone threw me away so you could pick me up and love me.

22

if i had a twin that was born 5 minutes after me. i would always say "when i was your age" and proceed to tell them what i had done 5 minutes ago.

42

when i saw you i fell in love and you smiled because you knew.

25

we blame society

but we are society

31

i should come with a warning label.

31

do you want to hear a racist joke?

donald trump.

30

Santa has the right idea...visit people only once a year.

34

i don't think i'll get out of bed today. it's too 'peopley' outside.

32

you are somebody's reason to masturbate.

21

when you can't tell if it's fireworks or gun shots.

26

hold on, i'm searching for a fuck to give.

29

i've been in 2 milliniums, 2 centuries, 3 decades. seen the first black president, the twin towers fall, bin laden killed, micheal jackson die. a royal wedding between a prince and a commoner, 9 planets became 8. i've seen storms like hurricane katrina, tsunami in east asia, earthquake in haiti, survived Y2k and the mayan apocolypse i'm not even 30.

18

and watching my family explains why i am an alcoholic.

27

a "perfect marriage"
is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other

29

i just did a week's worth of cardio by walking into a spiderweb.

22

i won't be impressed by technology until i can download food.

31

when someone asks me how my day is going. i'm like...

if i was a bird i'd fly into a ceiling fan.

24

i love it when the coffee kicks in and i realize what an adorable badass i'm going to be today.

27

i only drink a little. but when i do, i turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot.

25

okay karma person or thing whoever is in charge of this, i got the picture!

21

i need a feelingectomy it is the surgical removal of feelings

18

i know there were times you wanted to kill me...
i appreciate you're sense of restraint.

HAPPY
MOTHER'S DAY!

22

every once in awhile you come across a person who supplies you with endless motivation to walk into traffic.

23

save the EARTH, it's the only planet with chocolate.

29

my relationship with my siblings is either..."help me hide the body" or " don't breathe in my direction" there's no in between.

29

i didn't choose you, my heart did.

27

everyone needs a smart assed, sarcastic friend...

i'm so glad i could be of service to you.

27

most people want the perfect relationship...me, i just want a cheeseburger that looks like the commercials.

26

i like it when you smile, but i love it when I'm the reason.

25

OFF is the general direction i wish you would FUCK!

20

i know how to hurt. i know how to heal. i know what to show and what to conceal.

27

that's enough of that, I'm worn out.

13

you know something bad is about to happen when someone says "hold my beer and watch this"

26

of course i talk like an idiot, how else could you understand me.

32

enter password

wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong
wrong

reset password

new password can't be old password.

30

if you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. if you see me laughing, i've already done it.

24

if her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex.

34

happiness is a drug. and i want to be your dealer.

19

when i look at myself in the mirror...

i see a unicorn.
a badass unicorn.

31

sex is cool but have you ever heard the laugh of someone you love and felt like your entire heart was sent to heaven and back.

33

my body is like a temple...

more like a catholic church, full of wine, bread, and guilt.

25

If it's 1 or a 1,000 sins you're still going to Hell. So why not go for 1,000,000 sins and go to Hell a fucking legend.

19

Mars: i'm wet.

Nasa: i'm coming over!

36

they say video games make you violent, but hundreds of years ago we burned people alive for being witches so probably humans are just shit.

29

if you don't like me, it's mind over matter. i don't mind and you don't matter

29

i won't rest until i have bitched about everything.

22

well apparently rock bottom has a basement.

30

i've decided i don't want to be an adult...

i'm just going to be in my fort, coloring.

27

the chains on my mood swing just snapped!

RUN!

20

my mother told me that there would be days like this, she just didn't tell me there would be so many in a row.

24

i don't think there will be enough coffee or middle fingers for this shit!

18

my day starts backwards, i wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

25

that moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering.

do you vegans feel the same when mowing the lawn?

26

my parents decided not to use a condom and now i gotta pay bills, have a career, deal with my mental health, it's literally so rude of them.

16

if i wanted to listen to an asshole, i'd fart!

28

instead of saying
"real life"
we should call it "offline"

26

apparently my mum is'nt home the person i hear downstairs is the carpet cleaners, i've been yelling "grill me a cheese" for the last 20 minutes.

19

music is what feelings sound like.

32

if i worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day, i would put fake engagement rings in all the ladies glasses.

25

i can't be held responsible
for what my face does when you talk.

23

sorry, that's the noise i make when I'm trying to keep the vomit from coming up.

16

okay, just because we're demons doesn't mean we always have to be so...ewww!

15

that feeling when you don't even know what the fuck you're feeling.

24

it's a bird! no, it's a plane! no wait, it's that flying fuck i don't give.

22

the lady ahead of me sped up so i did, she began walking faster and faster so i did, then she started running so i did, then she was screaming so i started screaming. i don't know what we we're running from but i was terrified

22

an 8 year old was screaming and crying at the grocery store, because he wanted a snickers bar.

i bought it, and ate it right in front of him.

32

every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite.

28

donald j. trump

this is why aliens won't talk to us!

21

if we we're all born with warning labels, what would yours say.

26

i say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

20

admit it, when you first joined boldomactic you never thought it would be this addictive.

29

let's be in love not fall in love. because everything that falls breaks.

20

if i gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get change.

22

handwritten love letters never go out of style.

26

I hate getting up at stupid o'clock in the morning.

17

i'll decide when to fuck myself thank you very much.

24

i've kissed more bottles then people and honestly, a hangover hurts less then a heartbreak.

22

i find it offensive when cashiers look at my money to see if it's fake...

bitch if i knew how to counterfeit money do you think i would be eating at McDonald's.

29

lost myself trying to please everyone else, now i'm losing everyone while trying to find myself.

29

fucking each other into dehydration.

17

i'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but you have one of the worst cases of terminal stupidity i have ever diagnosed.

27

you can't say happiness without saying penis.

18

i wonder how many calories i burn when i run away from my problems.

28

it's okay to be a glowstick, sometimes you have to break before you shine.

31

WARNING
adonis
dna

13

Once upon a time i became yours and you became mine. and we'll stay together through the tears and the laughter because that's what they call happily ever after.

22

oh fuck to give, fuck to give!

wherefore art thou, fuck to give?

18

if you can't handle me at my worst...i don't blame you. that shit is ridiculous.

18

donald trump is proof that money can't buy

manners
morals
respect
trust
patience
class
integrity
love
character
common sense
decency

20

where you go i will go, and where you stay i will stay. your people will be my people, and your God my God. Ruth 1

8

Excuse me, what level of hell is this?

23

i took a pain pill, why are you still here?

21

sometimes i wish i was a bird so i could fly away...but then i remember i don't like eating worms.

30

i love you for all that you are, all that you have been, and all you're yet to be.

20

there is no such thing as "age appropriate" when it comes to play.

at every age play is not a luxury. play is a necessity.

22

if president Obama came out in favour of oxygen, the republicans would suffocate themselves.

14

friend: what are you doing with your life?

me: it's a surprise.

15

a spider just tried to crawl across my hand now googling how to extract fork from bone without causing more damage.

21

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all my boldies!!!

27

maybe...if i had a job i would love my job.

just sayin.

23

please read all my posts in a sarcastic tone. you know, for full effect.

21

it's called a sense of humour, you should get one. they're nice.

22

when someone i hate asks me why i'm so quiet around them. "well, you can't plan a murder out loud!"

17

on a scale of 1 to 10 you're a 9 and i'm the 1 you need.

24

just how hairy was the dude that invented a shampoo called
HEAD AND SHOULDERS.

27

the most honest compliment from a man is a boner.

16

if my heart had a face it would be smiling.

24

before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by assholes.

24

no matter how much i say i love you, i always love you more than that.

24

ugh, vending machines are so homophobic...

i'm sorry that my dollar bill was'nt straight enough for you.

21

i am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.

22

when i first met you i honestly didn't know you were going to be this important to me.

22

i will not be naughty. i will not be naughty. i will not be naughty. i will not be...

oh who am i kidding.

26

i like to think of juice as fruit blood, because that's more brutal.

20

I'm sorry that i offended you, i didn't think you would get it.

28

mum i know money doesnt grow on trees, thats why im asking you for the money

12

both of us can't look good at the same time. it's either me or the house.

24

not all my dreams are sexual, sometimes i dream about food.

22

together is a wonderful place to be.

16

fuck hard
and
talk dirty

i mean good morning.

27

if you're not suppose to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

25

whatever, i'm the star!

11

hell just called to confirm your reservation party of one in the smoking section

14

what am i living for and what am i dying for is the same question.

24

for all the things my hands have held the best by far is you.

18

if there isn't a chinese millionaire called
cha ching,
then i don't see the point in money.

26

when a man says he'll do anything for you, he means he'll stop bullets and kill dragons, NOT clean the kitchen or wash the dishes.

31

i dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig...

it's not a beautiful poem but it's deep.

24

i hate when i gain 10 lbs for a role and then realise i'm not an actor.

20

i have no words to describe this day. i do, however, have a ton of obscene gestures.

22

i love the smell of don't fuck with me in the morning.

23

your lunch is in the recipe book, page 22. and the ingredients are at the store.

21

Boldomactic is the new Hotel California. you can log out any time you want BUT you can never leave!

21

FRIDAY IS MY SECOND FAVORITE "F" WORD!

29

have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that could of been avoided if you just would've been an asshole.

20

i'd tell you to go to hell, but i live there and i don't want to see you every day.

27

I LOVE GOOGLE...

it's like the brain, i don't have.

24

please, for the love of God do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could swoop down out of the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.

13

some friendships, you never see coming.

22

be strong,

be fearless,

be beautiful,

be you!

25

it's
a
sad
day!

19

when hugging a child always be the last to let go, you never know how long they need it.

29

a shit stain with a tinge of orange.

22

you know that feeling when your alarm goes off in the morning? that's how i feel when you start talking to me.

18

the sun touched us and we felt like flowers in a field, and for a moment we found heaven.

13

anyone else get "sleep drunk?"

you're not drunk, but so tired and sleep deprived that you basically act drunk.

24

i'm not always an asshole, i fall asleep sometimes.

23

i'd like to offer moral support but i have questionable morals.

21

when there's no cops around, anything's legal.

21

sometimes the only therapy you need is to talk to your best friend...

i can't imagine life without you.
<3

19

*eats snack while looking for a better snack*

20

can we go home now, I've had enough fun.

18

some people say i'm a mean person. that's not true i have the heart of a sweet boy...

in a jar on my desk.

19

i'm retired...

i was tired yesterday and now I'm tired again.

21

whenever a bird shits on my car, i eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio, just to let them know what i'm capable of.

26

dear high school students of america,

i can't wait till you march.

but i'd also start voter registration clubs in every one of your schools. register every 17 year old. that's how you get rid of the NRA.

15

Remember, if we get caught you're deaf and i don't speak english.

28

there will be snow on the hills of hell before i fucking apologize.

11

i didn't give a fuck. then i drank a
Red Bull, now i don't give a flying fuck.

23

18

arguing in sign language must be a workout.

25

jack and jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. however if you sponser jack and jill for just $2 a month, we will build a well in their village.

14

i try to be a nice person...

but sometimes my mouth doesn't cooperate.

19

together, we will light up the galaxy.

24

when you send him a long text explaining why you're mad and he replies to all parts of your paragraph.

13

mentally somewhere else.

20

me? behave? seriously?!! as a child i saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a theif, Batman drove over 200 mph,
Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tatoo's, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby we're mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.

15

it's really funny when i say "RE-POST!" in the middle of people's conversations. people just look at me crazy.

20

i see you in my dreams, and feel you in my heart.

17

*

you're a star in someone's sky.

23

there i was watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupted it.

19

as soon as i saw you i knew an adventure was going to happen.

24

i don't pretend to be anything i'm not...

except sober, i've pretended that a few times.

13

* * ** * * ** * * * *
* * * * * *** * * * ** * *
** ** * * * * * * * ** * *

if you hold up a grain of sand, the patch of sky it covers contains about 10,000 galaxies.

19

i feel so proud when my friends tell me their parents love me. like damm right they love me, i'm a fucking delight.

17

you know you're getting old when you can't pass a bathroom without thinking " i might as well pee while I'm here".

24

i'm not rihanna...

i don't love the way you lie.

25

you don't understand, i'm a natural worst case scenario expert.

17

have the courage to touch the butt.

15

there is a person out there for everyone. your person may end up being 5 cats.

18

27

my housekeeping style is best described as...

"there appears to have been a struggle."

19

feel free to use kisses as a method to shut me up anytime.

22

so, my boyfriend thought quiche was pronounced quicky. and so we we're at the bakery with my mum. and i was like what are you having and he said he wanted a quicky.

my mum laughed so hard she went to the car and called my dad, and brothers.

27

#you #are #annoying #with #your #unnecessary #hashtags!

22

it's okay to be a little naughty.

22

I will drink wine on a boat, I will drink wine with a goat. I will drink wine on a train, and in the rain. I will drink wine with a fox, I will drink wine from a box. I will drink wine with a mouse, I will drink wine in house. I will drink wine here or there, I will drink wine everywhere.

15

my ignore game is so strong when i cut you off, you'll start to question your own existance.

21

doesn't anybody shut up around here?

22

so, my biology professor says "today we will be working with spiders" and i said in a loud voice "nope" and left the classroom.

21

i tried counting the freckles on your skin but i lose count every time because i find constellations on your body.

12

$this is my cup of care \_/ oh, would you look at that it's empty.$

21

i don't know if i'm fucked up or if the world is fucked up.

but if i get a choice, i'm blaming you guys.

12

remember when bush was our most embarrassing president? those were the good old days.

18

STARBUCKS
would be a great name for a intergalactic bank.

21

dear life,

would you at least start using lubricant?

20

don't know if i have a stalker...but if i do...

could you drop off some beer.

thanks.

29

how can donald trump control the country when he can't even control his hair?

22

FUCK
TRUMP
2016

15

I'm just here to establish an alibi.

18

if i did anything right in my life, it was when i gave my heart to you.

15

boys have swag.

men have style.

gentlemen have class.

19

so, i'm laughing so hard right now. a group of really loud boys sat down next to us at mcdonald's and one of them picked up his burger and said to his friends "i bet i can put this whole thing in my mouth." and my mum turned to me and said "well we know who the gay one is." and they heard her and none of them have said a word since.

23

he kissed like he was drowning and i was air.

13

99.9% of my sentences start with:

oh my God
oh my fucking God
fuck
shit
motherfucker
um
yeah
no
but

16

keith: what the fuck are you doing?

me: killing a spider!

keith: with a hammer?

21

i dare someone to kidnap me. as soon as my meds wear off. they'll pay me to leave!

24

in marilyn monroe voice:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PENSWORD72. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

EVERYBODY

21

if you stare into the sky on a clear winter night,

when the star's are alligned and the magic is right,

you may catch a glimpse of a unicorns flight,

as he sings his song with celestial might...

17

i'm going to end up a 40 year old without kids and people will say "aw i'm so sorry for you" and i'll be like how was the fucking winnie the pooh reunion tour asshole i went to italy last week and didn't have to hire a sitter.

19

it wasn't funny yesterday and today is no different!

20

didn't care yesterday.

don't give a shit today.

probably won't give a fuck tomorrow.

19

please kill me and end my suffering, i promise i wont haunt you.

20

we
all
deserve
an
alcoholiday!

19

if you don't like me, it's because i don't want you to.

23

forget the bumper stickers that say "parent of an honor roll student."

i want a bumper sticker that says "parent of a great kid that is sometimes an asshole and that's ok."

21

i'm not picky, i just know what i want.

18

i am personally experiencing life at a rate of several WTF per hour!

16

coffee, you're on the bench. alcohol,
suit up.

17

it's okay, i'll text myself back.

19

when you hold the door open for 1 person and it ends up being 3 ladies, 5 employees, 7 aliens, and the stampede that killed mufasa.

16

romeo and juliet is not a love story. it's a 3 day relationship between a 17 and a 13 year old that resulted in the death of 6 people. seriously people did you read the book?

28

it's probably my age that tricks people into thinking i'm a adult.

26

am i a good person? no.
but do i try to be better every day? also no.

22

you will know.

you will see.

you will feel.

22

stranger: you have grown up so much! i remember you when you were just a baby!

me: WHO ARE YOU?

13

i don't know why men go to bars to meet women? go to Target. the female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

14

i am too complicated for your comprehension.

20

can we not and just say we did?

19

when i do it, it's fun. when you do it, it's the most annoying thing on the fucking planet.

25

so, your plan to fight immigration is to elect trump and make his immigrant wife our new first lady.

you're a special kind of stupid, aren't you?

15

don't die laughing, i can't afford to be sued.

19

i'm just going to lay down and die over here.

12

the last time i was inside a woman was when i went to the statue of liberty.

22

does "running late" count as exercise.

28

"as fuck" is my favourite unit of measurement.

21

you were my goosebumps coming to life and the hair on the back of my neck rising to the occasion. you were the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest. you were my chapped lips and nervous stutter. you were everything that made me so terrified about love, but so excited to sieze it. you.

24

it is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.

23

my 7 year old nephew asked me "what is love?"

my response..."love is when you steal my oreos from the pantry everyday...and I still keep them in the same place."

20

instead of telling people I'm 26 I'm going to tell people I'm 36 and they'll totally be amazed how fucking young i look. I'm genius.

26

we're here, so lets get friendly.

19

some people don't believe in heroes, but they haven't met my DAD.

21

damn right i'm good in bed, i can stay there all day.

25

wow! i lost 10 pounds this week. how? i had to get up and close the fucking door everytime you fucking didn't!

21

i don't fuck with a lot of people because i've seen them talk shit about everybody they cool with.

19

parenthood is half joy and half guerrilla warfare.

20

if every day is a gift...

can i get a refund on the shitty ones?

22

i don't want much from a guy, just someone who can kill a spider.

19

you there, friday!

welcome back you sexy son of a bitch! we've been looking for you since monday!

22

i'm gay, but i still open doors for girls, give them my jacket when they're cold, and tell them they're beautiful because why not? respect for all people.

23

attention, may i have your attention please...

mine seems to be missing.

22

this guy was just sitting on the floor of the gym on his phone and he looks up at me and goes "my girl has my location shared and i promised her i was gonna go to the gym more so now i just sit here and watch Netflix, LMFAO!"

14

your going to hell in every religion

15

if my cousin can send me selfies from prison, you can text me back!

16

i need a rope to swing from the chandelier

10

i would like to apologize to anyone i have not offended yet. please be patient. i'll get to you shortly.

26

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