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i just burnt my tongue on some food

they say the ones you love hurt you the most

270

I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

310

Sometimes it takes just one fucking person to make you feel bad

34

Me: hey sorry I can't make it tomorrow.

Friend: aww what's wrong?

Me: I don't wanna come.

52

Throwing lamps at people who need to lighten the fuck up.

59

life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent.

201

"You curse too much"

Bitch, you breathe too much, shut the fuck up.

49

People who
can fall asleep quickly freak
me out..
I mean, don't they have thoughts..?

41

sarcasm is just another free service I offer

8

if these walls could talk, they'd say 'pick me up' & put me on 'em...

75

I can never go swimming because it's always less than 30 minutes since I've last eaten.

38

A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won't feel a thing."

41

my back is not a voicemail say it to my face

232

I don't regret burning bridges. ..I regret the fact that some people were not on these bridges when I burned them

19

My
brain
has
too
many
tabs
open.

65

When are we as a society going to stop pretending to enjoy the taste of beer.

15

All your Instagrams of food may explain why you're skinnier in every Throwback Thursday picture.

20

STARBUCKS NEEDS A SEPARATE LINE FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER

146

I have an irrational fear of speedbumps but, I'm slowly getting over it.

32

I'm not
afraid of heights.
I just don't like
clouds.

133

I hate when people talk to me for one day then the next day act like they don't even know me.

28

Our eyes are placed in front because it is better to look ahead than look back.

4

The only thing i like about the winter, is that it ends.

2

If you could be anyone, would you choose to be yourself?

6

If a cucumber is 98% water and I walk on a cucumber...

Does that make me 98% Jesus?

5

I don't have any bad habits.

I am good at all of them.

140

"What are you, twelve?"

Yeah, on a scale of one to ten.

107

Exercise
Exercis
Exerci
Exerc
Exer
Exe
Ex
Extra fries.

72

People stare at me like they never seen a walking goddess.

38

What's
comin' will
come and
we'll meet it
when it does.

- Hagrid

55

Do you ever start telling your parents a funny story then remember what had happened was illegal.

74

I don't have any bad habits.

I am good at all of them.

205

be like a star..

beautiful to look at..

but impossible to catch.

53

Hairdresser: "do you like it?"

Me: "yes thank you."

*goes home and cries*

34

If traveling was free you'd never see me again.

56

Moms are so fake when people come over.

44

I only drink twice a year. When it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday. That's it.

46

In which language would you prefer I tell you how much I do not give a shit?

I have my translator app open, fire away.

182

People think that I'm quiet because I'm shy, but in reality I've been silently judging them from afar.

30

I have no bad habits.

They are simply known as habits I do badly.

14

The noblest of all Dog's
Is The
HOT DOG
It Feed's
The Hand
That
BITES IT !!!

17

I make mistakes quickly and pay for them slowly

13

Never hint to a printer that you're in a rush. Those bastards smell fear.

78

Some times the best revenge is to smile and move on

22

That one person that is evil as fuck but everyone likes them and you get so pissed because nobody sees how evil they are.

33

that moment when you wake up as it gets dark again

20

I love you is 8 letters long. Then again so is bullshit.

30

Having a bad day, I figured I'd pee on a pregnancy test just for some good news.

59

don't worry, be happy

9

People who remind me of myself are the worst

167

Sometimes it seems like everything happens for a reason. I think the reason is always the same, which is that we somehow actually manage to learn from it.

13

may the bridges I burn light the way

96

It's Thursday, or as I like to call it:

Day 4 of the hostage situation.

181

Ever wanted to tell someone to shut the fuck up even when they are not speaking?

48

In a relationship one person is always right and the other person is a male.

38

Homemade with love.

In other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it.

22

is your imagination
as wicked as mine?

18

Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces and wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.

37

the only valentine's day cards
I'll accept are credit cards

159

I'm not a tease. I'm just a reminder of what you can't have.

41

*When your mom asks if you made it home ok*

Me: no, I died a few times.

50

Better grab my dumbrella.

It's really stupid out there today.

294

There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing beside you right now and you'd have no idea.

69

31

*money can't buy happiness*

I think you're using money wrong.

46

Change is much more than just some coins in your pocket.

179

I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.

44

care less.

worry less.

10

The struggle not to roll my eyes at people when they talk is so real.

31

you can colour me
any way you want.

just don't colour
within the lines.

13

you should not wait for love, you should go on towards it.

30

Looking back at old photos like "why the fuck did nobody tell me I look like shit."

59

He who spreads love, receives love.

25

I hate watching an episode a week, I'm more of a season a day kinda person.

43

Me: I want a magical unicorn for Christmas!

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: OK, I want 5 minutes to myself each day to have my coffee hot and pee in peace.

Santa: What colour unicorn would you like?

96

Do regular dogs see police dogs and think "oh shit it's the cops"?

105

What's the difference between a northern fairytale & a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

77

You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying "I find it funny how" because there's a 99% chance she did not find it funny.

26

All women
are good!

Either good for something or good for nothing.

17

A jealous
woman
does better
research
than the
F.B.I

17

all women are crazy, but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.

22

Was building a website for women drivers...

Bloody thing kept crashing.

26

As a true gentleman, I hold the door for my woman.

Then I smack her ass.

45

if friday is an appetizer, saturday is a main dish and sunday is a night cap...

then i guess all the other days of the week are bad vegetables, stale meat and expired food.

10

Never forget that you breathe:

respect the jungle, it keeps you alive

144

silence is
a gift and
a curse.

13

everyone
needs saving, including the monsters hiding
in the dark.

12

i need my
flirtation
device.

7

stop
trying.

just
surrender.

10

ruin is
a gift.

ruin is a
road to
transformation.

9

Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar.

It's a jungle out there.

52

Law of the Jungle:
He who hesitates is lunch.

38

I put my hold music on speaker phone because I'm taking everyone down with me.

12

Simultaneously worried shitless about the future but also could not care less and thinking about going back to sleep.

28

Why do people say heads up when you should duck?

147

Damn girl, you've got a great future behind you.

26

My dream job is not
needing one.

23

mom said follow your dreams
so I went back to bed:

32

We
all
have
that
one
friend
that
we
greet
with
an
insult.

61

Do you ever just like flex your foot wrong and it cramps and you're just like this is it, this is how it ends.

28

Me: I'm finally happy.

Life: Lol no just wait.

25

Got out all day looking great and I see no one.

But if I walk out for five minutes looking like shit suddenly it's like a damn reunion!

24

I either eat nothing or I eat everything, there is no in between.

31

A world where we are smarter than our phones

182

I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.

49

My week in a nutshell:
Monday
Monday Two
Monday Three
Monday Four
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

71

I want to sleep for two years and wake up with a degree, an apartment and money in the bank

269

A world

with a little less selfies

and a little more selfless.

244

Noticing how beautiful the city lights are at night while getting chased by the cops.

187

backing up, is only a way forward when it leads to another path.

26

There are times when silence has the loudest voice.

26

chase your dreams instead of running from your fears

24

I spent my childhood wishing I was older, now I'm older and this shit sucks.

22

FEAR IS PEOPLE'S MOST POPULAR PRISON

40

they told me
I couldn't,

that's why I did.

129

I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it into the air...worst transformer ever...

108

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.

They seem like nice people.

356

i am amazed at the grip you have on your double-edged blade.

10

even if you're on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there

19

You have to be odd to be number one.

66

I don't regret the things I did wrong.

I regret the good things I did for the wrong people.

43

Damn girl, you've got a great future behind you.

32

59

You were wild once,

don't let them tame you.

56

home is more than a roof
over your
head

32

There is a company called Kia & a company called Nokia.
I'm not sure who to believe.

77

Keep trying to raise the bar.
Even when they try to use it, to beat the shit out of you.

161

When you see a
"Do not touch" sign.

Hmm...

54

Even when
you have
nothing,
you still
have hope.

And, that's
something.

80

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