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New made-up word for today:

FARTLED

(verb) to disturb or agitate suddenly by a surprise or loud fart
We are told to “move on quickly” and “to find closure” - as if loss were a puzzle to solve. But what we do not understand sometimes is that grief is not a problem to solve; it is a language - a language that speaks in the raw syntax of sleepless nights and sudden tears, in the way the mind replays the final conversations like a cursed film reel.
I've learned that there are 5 things you can never get back: 

The stone after it's thrown
The word after it's said
The occasion after it's missed 
The time after it's gone
The people after they've gone from this place




this is why we can't have
nice things
Make poetry, not war.
THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE FITTED SHEETS NEED TO SIT DOWN WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE MATTRESSES AND GET ON THE SAME PAGE. MAKING THE BED SHOULDN'T BE LIKE PUTTING A SWIMMING CAP OVER A FRIDGE!!?
Seriously, if anyone should be upset about immigration it would be the Native Americans.



it's all fun and games till you 'eff yourself over - tried the google eyes atop a two pebble frog but now I can't bear to steal its eyes - had so much fun so far putting the eyes on everything making it all look so much more fun with the eyes on - then this - dang it!
PROCAFFEINATING (n.) 
the tendency to not start anything until you've had a cup of coffee
TO THE UNTRAINED EYE, IT WOULD APPEAR I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror this morning.


I won't be doing THAT again...
I want to become the kind of magic we were taught not to believe in
I had an incredible breakthrough today. I realized that life is just like flying a helicopter

I don't know how to fly a helicopter
44% of young people do not know what
"Inflation" is - 
but would definitely get vaccinated against it, according to the survey!
Honest Abe from Land of Lincoln, now we think he must've been drinkin' -- didn't give a flyin' *uck, made himself a sittin' duck.
"I need help" is the bravest thing someone could say.





Small medium at large
DEAR PAST SELF. YOU FKN IDIOT.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.
The Truth Is Out There, 
But So Are Lies

Life hack:

Be nice to your nieces and nephews. You might need them to smuggle alcohol into your retirement home later on in life.







     O  (o)
     (              )
     (                     )
     '   ~  .  ~  '


My wife just gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.....
The worst part of being "long-lived" is having to go to so many damn funerals!
People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you have diarrhea  is better.
I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror this morning.


I won't be doing THAT again...




TBH even if they try to keep you as small as an ant, you can still show them how powerful an ant is.
Tips for a flat stomach:

Eat only flat things - ie. Chocolate, Pizza etc
Here's to all the people who get back up more times than they are knocked down, who give more than they ever expect to receive, who still show love to others even when their own heart is broken, who smile through the sad times, who light the way for others, who spread laughter and joy. Thank you for making the world a better place.
no tolerance for the intolerant!
SOLVEM
PROBLER
THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE FITTED SHEETS NEED TO SIT DOWN WITH PEOPLE WHO MAKE MATTRESSES AND GET ON THE SAME PAGE. MAKING THE BED SHOULDN'T BE LIKE PUTTING A SWIMMING CAP OVER A FRIDGE!!?
freedom without order will only too easily drift into chaos - order without freedom will deliver us to coercion.
i am much younger than my body, much weirder than my age, much nicer than many people think, and much jollier than i look.
"I need help" is the bravest thing someone could say.
"I need help" is the bravest thing someone could say.
brAIn drAIn
history classes are only going to get longer and harder as time goes on.
if she says "it's not you, it's me", why not just take her word for it?
Shoutout to Duct Tape for turning  "no, no, no" 
Into
"Mmm, mmm, mmm"
To some people, “everyone” seems to mean “people I think are important because people like me know who they are.”
So I've changed my mind about the halftime show. Didn't like it but I wasn't supposed to. 

"Picked the right time but the wrong guy." 

So it was not meant to be 'Art' but a 'Statement'.

(Yep I'm still talking bout the 1/2 time) Funny I was there to watch a football game and eat the food. I think I'll skip these events in the future and read about them the next day in the funny pages.
the joke — the only good joke of the day, in fact — is on you.
“Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong and that 99% of them are wrong.”


              H.L. Mencken

People need to understand the difference between wants and needs.


I want abs but I need ice cream.



They are conspiring to
deprive us of our sanity
If you do not bend, you will break.

The adaptable prevail; determined, yet flexible.






This year - anti-love campaigns. Name a hissing cockroach after an ex, or a feral cat after an old flame before its neutered or give a rodent or a cockroach an ex love bugs name, before feeding it to prey. 

                                                                - love hurts

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today 
or 
naked tomorrow
You look like something 
I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, 
the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.





     LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people,  because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.

If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal

Listening to them - common

Arguing with them - acceptable

Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food 

they say the ones you love hurt you the most


THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.


If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is
a beautiful concept.
unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty 


and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. 
But I would rather be alone with you.
i've
fallen
in love
with you,

but you
don't exist.