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A friend told his wife "when I die, I hope to die while making love" She replied "well, at least we know your death will be quick"
I'm spending the year dead for tax reasons
never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group.
Managing is just great prompt engineering... with a human touch.
When you lose track of time, things begin to flow.
* * ** B *o * * ^ * * / \ * * * * I__ l d * * l I l I l o / \ / /Illll\ \ m / / 00 \ \ a 00 t 00 i 00 c Our imagination takes flight!!!!
DON'T OFFER A LECTURE TO A PERSON WHO NEEDS A HUG .
I love being single. I can be friends with so many people. And we can stay friends, because they don't have to put up with me full time. .......... :)
You know you're old when you get up in the morning and the first thing you do is make noise.
Don't hesitate. fumigate.
MAY DO ABORTION OPPONENTS ACTUALLY EAT EGGS?
Your secrets safe with me I probably wasn't listening
Happy Earth Day Enjoy Earth while you can
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, SIMBA, MAKUNA MY TATAS •¿•
This house will never feel like home
IT'S AMAZING HOW FAST YOUR MOOD CAN CHANGE AFTER YOU STEP IN WATER WITH SOCKS ON!!
IF YOU'VE NEVER JUMPED FROM ONE COUCH TO THE OTHER TO AVOID THE LAVA YOU'VE NEVER HAD A CHILDHOOD!!
IF YOU'RE FEELING A SUDDEN CALM. IT'S BECAUSE I TOOK YOUR VOODOO DOLL OUT FOR A PICNIC ON A GRASSY HILL. YOU'RE WELCOME!!!
AFTER ALL THIS BULLSHIT WE BETTER BE IN THE NEXT BIBLE.
How would I test the popularity of politicians? I let them walk through the city center alone.
You can throw all the shade you want. It's still sunny in my world.
My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday...
IF I'M WRONG EDUCATE ME. DON'T BELITTLE ME.
Before you fuck a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are
How would I test the popularity of politicians? I let them walk through the city center alone.
Q: what do you call a pussy that talks back? A: an answering cervix
Me: "I need a charger cable." Amazon: "What color? What length? How many? Plastic or braided? Lightning or USB-C? Heavy duty or regular? Want it tomorrow or Friday?" Me: "Jeezuss. Never mind. That's too much pressure."
the family that prays together... is brainwashing their children
women always worry about what men forget... men always worry about what women remember
aww... yesterday was a palindrome day and i missed it 42424
RTL ist wie Fukushima. Die strahlen solange aus, bis alle behindert sind...
If you should ask me to give you the reason for life that we know, Then together we flow like the river And together we melt like the snow
As a matter of self-protection, I have withdrawn from most of the world to find my own direction. My compass now points to love.
Y'all gotta stop using all these damn filters on your pics. You go missing and the police are out there looking for Miss America instead of Bigfoot.
one cool thing about getting older is you hear from your skeleton a lot more
Never met a problem I couldn't make worse...
spiders are web developers that are more than happy to find bugs
I'll take what I can get.
Am I supposed to say something clever here?
today in order to succeed, you can't just be stupid, you should also have some French flair
s ilence t eaches u s to be l oud
What would it be like To trust you so much I could let you Touch me with words?
Wenn Du willst, dass Leute Dir zuhören, musst Du etwas zu sagen haben.
I wish you had feeling like me >>>
we have no words to describe a reality that we had never imagined to be possible. but plenty words to describe how we feel about it.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes... I can't see.
yeah? well, you know, that's just like... your opinion, man
WHEN PEOPLE ARE SAD, I LET THEM COLOUR MY TATTOOS. SOMETIMES ALL THEY NEED IS A SHOULDER TO CRAYON.
It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.
laundry today or naked tomorrow
You look like something I draw with my left hand.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying, "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
Whenever I delete an app on my phone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed •
My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"
I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT
If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
LISTEN TO SILENCE
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything
I love waving at random people, because you know for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were.
If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Voices in your head - normal Listening to them - common Arguing with them - acceptable Losing the argument - BIG PROBLEM
i just burnt my tongue on some food they say the ones you love hurt you the most
THIS "NORMAL" YOU SPEAK OF DOESN'T SOUND FUN AT ALL.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Sun goes down earlier for short people.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
justice is a beautiful concept. unicorns too.
I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty and I could not have described it any better
Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.
10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion. 90% are due to wrong tone of voice.
I like to be alone. But I would rather be alone with you.
i've fallen in love with you, but you don't exist.
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