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This kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.

12

If you could read my mind you would be shocked...
or aroused...
or both if you're awesome.

8

When I die and my family goes through my phone they're gonna be like...
This 'lil nasty bitch.

7

When you have had an attitude for the past couple of days and he finally asks you...
"What the fuck is wrong with you!"

It's showtime!!!

7

I can just see my guardian angel now...

hanging her head, thinking to herself...
I'm going to end up in hell with this motherfucker!!

4

I told my psychiatrist I've been hearing voices.
She told me I don't have a psychiatrist.

5

Have you ever met someone and want to buy them a toaster?

For their bathtub

5

Sometimes I think of something so twisted and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.

3

What do you mean I'm hard
to shop for?
You know where the liquor store is.

4

Will you go out with me?

Blink twice for yes...
Smell this rag for no.

4

Have you ever looked at someone and thought....

I bet you have someone tied up in your basement.

3

My sense of humor is like a pretzel...

Twisted,
but delicious.

2

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