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got fired from fashion police for saying everyone looks nice

27

i survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me

26

i love it when i guess my passwords correctly.

8

Nothing makes four drinks seem like a good idea like three drinks.

6

Every app is like: "Please rate and review us so we can ignore your needs and judo-twist your desires into new ways to extract maximum value from you in a way that would make Kafka dizzy from irony."

2

Once you understand there's no end to the game, you can relax and just enjoy playing it.

6

ME: "I've had kind of a rough day."
DEMOCRACY: "Oh, you think so do you?"

5

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" sign I'm gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

5

I bet Paul Ryan wishes he could call people personally on the phones they can barely afford to tell them he's taking their insurance away.

5

Best Actor now goes to the guy from La La Land for not swearing when they took the Oscar back from him.

4

find the good people and care for them

4

You ever get to the point where you fix a problem just because you’ve run out of friends to complain to about it?

4

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