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Your skin isn't paper~ stop cutting it.
Your face is no mask~ be you
Your size is no book~ stop judging it
Your life is no film~ don't stop it

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19

Remember
when people argued that a woman couldn't be President because of unpredictable mood swings...

51

Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.

29

Dating is like falling in love with a song on the radio then committing to the album; hoping the rest of the songs aren't fucking garbage.

42

I may have a small penis but I'm a huge dick.

31

Discovering I was colorblind came completely out of the orange.

30

Bowie leaves us and then a 9th planet appears, I don't need to read your science article.

26

It's only confusing if you're paying attention.

31

Nice try mother, calling me from another number.

Nice. Try.

31

Uber and Tinder are basically the same thing: You agree to meet a stranger hoping they take you home and you don't fucking die.

30

Funny how we say "I drank a *pot* of coffee" instead of "I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword"

24

[coronavirus pandemic diary]

Day 3: I've not had sex in 6 months.

13

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