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Posts Liked by CtrlA

A fuck must be earned. I can't go down the street with a bucket of fucks, giving them out to everyone.
If I feel that you've earned it, I will give a fuck.

321

Wenn alle Bedürfnisse befriedigt
sind, dann erst wird's richtig scheisse.

20

Leichter Fieselregen

6

Versigelagierte Hämperstock.

2

"Alles was ich brauche, ist ein zehnminütiges Nickerchen und ein Schlückchen Rosé und schon fühle ich mich wieder frisch wie ein Gänseblümchen."

13

*looks up from phone

Guys I'm leaving the office in 24%.

24

Wow,
look at your angel wing tattoo, you must be very spiritual.

25

working isn't working today

33

Avoid boring conversations by punching yourself to sleep before they start talking to you.

24

Where there's a will,
there is a snooze button.

33

The most obvious solution is to start drinking and dancing.

58

Ich bin nicht schlau, ich bin nur weniger dumm als die meisten.

27

Stellt Euch vor man würde eine deutsche Ente im Ausland aussetzten. Die würde doch den Kopf über das Brot schütteln und lieber verhungern.

15

Ich fahre zur Hölle. Will jemand mein Beifahrer sein?

13

I wanted to be you for Halloween, but i couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

15

Ich rutsche nicht ins neue Jahr, ich reite auf dem Kater.

28

Wenn ihr schon hinter meinem Rücken redet, massiert mich doch wenigstens dabei.

34

Oh, you're dating my ex?

Cool, I'm eating a sandwich.
Want those leftovers too?

117

It's really rude to talk while I'm interrupting.

41

Children in the dark make accidents.

Accidents in the dark make children.

45

That awkward moment between your birth and your death...

38

Walking around the kitchen like Pac Man when you're hungry.

52

"Are you free tomorrow?"

No... I am f**king expensive.

62

I have a black belt in sarcasm

90

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

75

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

58

Prince Charming is gay and living with Mr Right.

64

You can't make everyone happy.

So just concentrate
on me.

84

You can't laugh at yourself?

Don't worry.
I can do it for you.

63

Don't make me angry and then tell me to calm down.

That's like shooting someone and then wondering why he's bleeding.

126

Dip it in chocolate and it'll be fine.

121

You'd better listen to your heart because I think your mind is fucked.

107

I think I've fallen in hate with you.

125

Of course your opinion matters,

Just not to me.

162

Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to.

233

FEED
YOUR
OWN
EGO
I'M
BUSY

186

rap is like scissors it always loses to rock

182

Can't get out of bed.

Send help....,
or waffles.

Just send waffles.

247

Music always puts me in a better wood.

151

when the worlds zigs, zag.

105

You know something bad is about to happen when someone says

"Hold my beer and watch this."

214

I like long romantic walks off the planet.

102

Work until your idols become your rivals.

298

Intellectual is the new hipster.

132

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

269

LET'S DO SOME "WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS" THINGS.

262

Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

148

I just awesomed all over the place.

317

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

459

My internet was down for 5 minutes so I went downstairs and spoke to my family.

They seem like nice people.

356

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

Er kann jetzt für immer sitzen.
Weil er gestanden hat.

8

lick
me
'till
ice cream

158

What Susie says
of Sally
says more of Susie
than of Sally.

Remember that.

199

I swear if my
memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

231

I would challenge my ex to the cement block challenge

121

There's an ancient birth control secret. It's called "keep your legs together.

132

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

209

At the end of the day, life should ask us,
Do you want to save the changes?

317

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