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Posts Liked by dani83

Called the ambulance thinking the guy had a stroke, turns out he just spoke Dutch.

24

Don't waste sunsets with people who won't even be there for the sunrise.

29

loving someone who doesn't love you is like watching a star you know you can't reach.

but you need to keep on trying, cause stars can fall, right?

152

When there's always the same shit on repeat,

learn the fucking lesson.

132

the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

134

you remind me of a software update, whenever i see you i think
"not now!"

140

I can't turn water into wine,
but I can turn pizza into breakfast

143

I hate when people say you don't need alcohol to have fun... Well you don't need running shoes to run but it fucking helps.

188

does running away from my problems count as jogging?

278

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.

249

It's not a walk of shame if you leave with a moonwalk.

191

To Quote Hamlet
Act III, Scene III
Line 87,

"NO"

241

the lion and tiger might be powerful...
but the wolf does not perform in the circus

316

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle

344

I almost had an "I need a guy moment" but then I was able to get the vodka open.

234

DIFFICULT ROADS
OFTEN LEAD
TO BEAUTIFUL
DESTINATIONS

213

I'm at that awkward age where half my friends are in love and having babies and the other half are too drunk to even find their phones.

187

Kiss me like your ex is watching

211

If it takes someone 12 minutes to get the straw into the Capri Sun, this should give you some indication as to what they are like in bed.

Back away slowly, then run fast, run far.

145

I just wanna dance on the highest roof with you while stars are shining and smiling at us.

128

i want to fuck you so bad right now.

damn autocorrect..

i meant hey.

175

LOVE IS IN THE AIR
TRY NOT TO
BREATHE

30

LOVE IS IN THE AIR
TRY NOT TO
BREATHE

141

Put someone's genitals into your mouth and no one bats an eye

eat a chip off the ground and everyone loses their minds.

95

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

292

If you're in a fairytale and you're a single woman over the age of 35, chances are you're evil.

224

I don't do drugs or drink.

At my age, I get the same effect just standing up too fast.

244

I'm opening a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment in it for the first two weeks, then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

33

If you aren't happy Single, you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from within and not from people.

26

Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.

265

Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won't text me back.

47

Benefits of dating me:
You will be dating me. I could go on, but I think I have made my point.

20

wenn ich sage das ich in fünf minuten da bin .. dann muss man nicht alle 30 minuten anrufen

12

I miss you a little... I guess you could say, a little too often, a little too much...

169

Karma means i can rest easy at night knowing all the people i treated badly today had it pretty much coming.

176

if you dont fight for what you love
dont cry for what you lose.

4

The sex was so good even the neighbours had a cigarette.

327

find a job
you love
and you never work
a day in
your life

90

it's so fucking cold out, I just keyed someones car with my nipples by accident

57

teeth:
because blow jobs need to come with a gentle reminder of who's really in charge

95

Porn titles always lack depth and imagination. Yes, we all know college girl is trying anal for the 1st time, but what's her major? Her dreams?

151

Wenn mich das Leben fickt, denke ich oft dabei an jemand anderen!

174

You make me smile...

And also super horny, but that's not the point.

363

I swear if my
memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

231

took a nude photo of myself. with the lights off.

you're welcome.

34

lick
me
'till
ice cream

24

Love is like farting.
If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.

180

Push me up against a wall and do what you like.

74

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look...that one is shaped like an idiot."

92

if you rearrange the letters in

MOTHER IN LAW

you get

WOMAN HITLER

35

Don't be ashamed of who you are.

That's your parents job.

82

Music is life. That's why our hearts have beats.

120

having a vagina doesn't stop me from believing that my balls are bigger than yours.

82

better
to loose
a lover
than
to love
a loser

173

Haters will see you walk on water and say its because you can't swim.

109

I swear if my
memory was any worse, I could plan my own surprise party.

51

Kiss me like your ex is watching

74

Work until your idols become your rivals.

95

I don't make mistakes,
I date them.

172

You're as annoying as that app that turns sideways when I lay down.

215

You.
Me.
Bed.
Now.

194

My biography will be titled "Be Yourself And Other Ways To Stay Single."

269

Calm down gas tank.We're all empty on the inside.

145

Dear Life

Please stop fucking me in broad daylight.
I would much rather prefer it under the cover of darkness.

yours sincerely
me

173

I need a hug or 6 shots of vodka.

264

Sometimes I feel useless but then
I remember
I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

394

Your ass must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.

452

Potatoes give us french fries and vodka.

It's your move, celery.

231

FRENCH PEOPLE ARE SO HARDCORE THEY EAT "PAIN" FOR BREAKFAST.

190

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