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Posts Liked by nochzweimal

"Der
Stressball tropft!"

"Das ist ne
Mandarine."

8

My favorite part of a marathon is watching runners when they realize I handed them a cup of vodka instead of water...

7

IF YOU ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO FIND A WEIRDO, NEVER LET THEM GO....

2

Get out of my head and fall into my arms instead.

91

have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...

"who ties your shoelaces for you?"

43

BY THE WAY,
I'M WEARING
THE SMILE
YOU GAVE ME.

220

THIS IS BY FAR YOUR MOST FUCKED UP IDEA EVER... I'LL BE THERE IN 10MINUTES.

208

Let's get drunk and fall in love every other weekend.

69

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

135

I love you so much
that I would tell you
if I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

91

Some talk to you in their free time
&
some free time to talk to you

50

I wish you would listen closer to the songs I play. The lyrics are the words I fail to say.

46

And I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you, and I wish I could run to you, and I hope you know that every time I don't,

I almost do.

67

I HATE BEING
BIPOLAR
IT IS AWESOME

340

recently, i called my mother at 3 am. just to let her know how it is, when she calls me on sunday 1 pm.

74

Can february march?

No. But april may

70

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

83

Did you know that if you put your ear up a strangers leg you can hear them say:
What the fuck are you doing?!?

100

Better grab my dumbrella.

It's really stupid out there today.

98

bock auf candle light döner?

46

don't give up on your dreams.

keep sleeping.

155

we live for nights nobody can remember with people we'll never forget

70

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?... That's common sense leaving your body.

49

I wish I could trade my heart for another liver so I could drink more and care less.

78

Today a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.....apparently "in HD" was not the right answer...

106

Ironically, the fight between the mind and the heart always ends up hurting the liver.

82

I Was Born To Be Awesome, Not Perfect.

122

I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY
AND MAYBE
A LITTLE BIT NAKED.

265

bad decisions make good stories

423

Kiss me like your ex is watching

74

The trouble with jogging is, by the time you realize you're not fit for it, it's too far to walk back •

105

My immaturity keeps me young.

104

You make me smile...

And also super horny, but that's not the point.

203

At the end of the day, life should ask us,
Do you want to save the changes?

181

Here's a tissue, you have a little bullshit on your lip.

218

I like to be alone.
But I would rather be alone with you.

270

I like the nights.

Some of my best days were nights.

241

10% of conflicts are due to differences in opinion.

90% are due to wrong tone of voice.

279

I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

250

My doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said; "no, we all seem to enjoy it"

367

If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

459

There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

539

You look like something
I draw with my left hand.

959

It's not illegal. It's just frowned upon. Like masturbating on an airplane.

1546

laundry today
or
naked tomorrow

577

Therapist: Have you ever had any interesting jobs?
Me: I once worked at a zoo.
Therapist : And what did you take away from that job when you left?
Me: Definitely not a penguin.
Therapist: What?
Me: What?

7

Bin grad etwas neben der Spur, ist schön da ...

5

I went to a club this weekend. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Jump, so I jumped. They played Come On Eileen,

well I got kicked out for that one.

14

museums are awesome because everyone shuts the fuck up

57

Hi,
I finished my free trial of adulthood and I'm no longer interested so I want to cancel my subscription.

Is there a manager I can speak to?

8

If I procrastinated any harder right now it would have to involve time travel...

8

When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working I want to punch them in the face and ask them if they're hurting bad or badly hurting.

7

My swear jar could finance a space program.

Just f**kin' sayin'.

6

Hab mich selbst gefunden! War garnicht so schwer,
stand neben mir.

9

Anyone have a customer service number for McDonald's? I ate 2 happy meals at once and still don't feel happy. In fact, I feel worse.

7

The doc didn't warn me about eating viagra with my iron supplements. Every time I turn around I'm pointing North.

7

Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb and then later I crossed the road to walk into a bar. My life is a cruel joke that taunts me.

4

Don't you hate when the ones you love the most say mean and hurtful things like:

"It's time to get up"

4

I think I have a shitlifecrisis

27

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