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Posts Liked by skittleslover

Stop mixing culture with religion

20

the sun is out
the beaches dry
my heart worn out
no tears to cry

with aching heart
and open arms
we drift apart
pacific calm

57

fuck attractive people...

that's the plan.

10

If you are lonely when you are alone, you are bad company.

12

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

133

stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. looks like i'm in store for a wild December !

44

i just received an email from a hacker that accessed my bank account, it simply read "LOL"

18

life's a bowl of soup, you only get blown if you're hot.

11

my housekeeping style is best described as...

"there appears to have been a struggle."

19

my mum says everyone has a beautiful side, so i guess i'm a circle.

15

i'm not wearing underwear...

because you didn't put the laundry in the fucking dryer like i asked you!

10

Funny when people say they ordered take-out when it's being delivered in.

14

nothing helps someone develop patience and learn how to count quite like

the LOADING screen

10

Before Facebook,
I still didn't give a fuck if you had a Quiche for dinner.

18

OK I kind of get it I think, but HOW married are you?

20

She said I don't listen. She said some other stuff too I think...

22

This pre-rich phase is a temporary thing, right?

40

I could never date someone with a phone that isn't an iPhone.
I mean I never find my charger,
so I gotta use yours like all the time.

25

Smonday

The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday starts to kick in.

24

The little girl just couldn't sleep because her thoughts were way too deep,
her mind had gone out for a stroll and fallen down a rabbit hole

30

is it crazy saying sentences backwards creates backward sentences saying how crazy it is.

9

i always wondered what the job application is like at Hooter's. do they hand you a bra and say"fill this out"

15

me: i have a weird middle name.

me: you're first name is jessary.

me: noted.

10

i think my guardian angel drinks.

14

most people want the perfect relationship...me, i just want a cheeseburger that looks like the commercials.

26

"one man's trash is another man's treasure" is a wonderful phrase...

but apparently it's a terrible way to tell someone they're adopted.

14

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE

11

i didn't fall for you, you tripped me...

16

If two men get married and divorce...

...how does the court know which one to fuck over?

10

you can't steal someone's girlfriend.

however, you can steal someone's whore.

17

i don't know if i'm fucked up or if the world is fucked up.

but if i get a choice, i'm blaming you guys.

12

If your eyes are bigger than your stomach, you have severe physical deformities.

26

i gotta dig bick.

you that read wrong.

that awkward when you read that wrong too.

and said "moment" after awkward.

this is awkward.

13

In 1815 women had no rights.

In 1915 women fought for some rights.

In 2015 women are always fucking right!

40

I really need to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" Some people are starting to take it as a personal challenge.

41

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

43

Job applications are so stupid.

"Why do you want to work for us?"

"Oh, I've always had a passion to frozen yogurt MOTHERFUCKER I'M BROKE."

44

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the middle ones for you.

61

All I know is one of us is right and the other one is you.

67

My week in a nutshell:
Monday
Monday Two
Monday Three
Monday Four
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

71

Today there is no same sex marriage, gay marriage or heterosexual marriage in America, just marriage.

54

I was going to make a gay joke, but it only goes one direction...

7

Women can be really sexist...

But, like everything else, men are just better at it.

11

Put the politicians on minimum wage and watch how fast things change.

11

DON'T SAY "NO" TO DRUGS.

YOU SHOULDN'T TALK TO DRUGS AT ALL!

20

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need.

Not all this "how did you get in my house" buisness...

16

i have this bumper sticker that says "honk if you think i'm sexy" and then i wait at green lights until i feel better about myself.

171

größer als
meine bescheidenheit ist eigentlich
nur mein penis.

38

I'm multitasking,

I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time

393

Manche hüpfen morgens aus dem Bett wie Toast aus dem Toaster. Ich bin mehr so das Brötchen, das mit der Butterseite nach unten fällt. Und liegen bleibt...

65

Es heisst ja "Guten Morgen", weil "Halt die Fresse und geh sterben" gesellschaftlich nicht so akzeptiert ist.

69

Ich hatte mal bei den Weight Watchers angerufen
-
da hat aber niemand abgenommen.

80

I am an artist.

(copy+paste)

108

One day, I will solve my problems with maturity.

Today, however, it will be with alcohol.

219

Ich gebe dem Tag die Schuld.

Schliesslich hat der angefangen.

80

My boss doesn't like the nickname I gave him. It's awful to see Princess Dickhead crying.

201

Ich selber brauche gar keinen Kaffee zum Leben. Ich brauche ihn, damit andere überleben.

34

If you walk like a duck and you talk like a duck you're drunk. Ducks don't talk.

157

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can count on, are my fingers.

192

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