NukeSkywalker

you can't have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time

does running away from my problems count as jogging?

I love you so much
that I would tell you
if I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

BY THE WAY,
I'M WEARING
THE SMILE
YOU GAVE ME.

Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.

When guys wait for the perfect girl, it's Playboy's fault.

When girls wait for the perfect guy, it's Disney's fault.

You don't have to be a cowboy to ride off into the sunset.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive:

"Hi".

If the phone doesn't ring,
it's me.

Me: I wanna look good today.
Body: No.
Hair: Nope.
Face: Nice try.

I HAVE THE BODY OF A GOD

(unfortunately
it's Buddha)

You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens.

You must be tired after everything
we did in my dreams last night.

Silence
is golden but duct tape is silver

skin gets darker, water gets warmer,
drinks get colder, music gets louder,
nights get longer, life gets better

SUMMER here we go

SEX, HUGS
AND SOCKS
WITH HOLES

People wait
all week for Friday,
all year for summer,
all life for happiness.

! M E R D E !

shit always sounds better in french

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!

some people can't sleep because they have insomnia, I can't sleep because I have internet connection

You're so fake,
even China denied they made you.

Confidence is silent.

Insecurities are loud.

I wonder if the clothes in China
say, 'made around the corner'.

Silence is a girls loudest cry.

Dear Life,
when I said,
'Can my day get any worse',
it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

Relationship Status:

( ) Single
( ) In a relationship
( ) Married
( ) Engaged
( ) Divorced
(x) Waiting for a miracle

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

CAN I HAVE YOU FOR BREAKFAST IN BED TODAY?

A PARTY WITHOUT ME IS
JUST A MEETING

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can't get the straw in the hole you've had enough.

A real girl isn't perfect and a perfect girl isn't real.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

If someone hates you for no reason,
give that motherfucker
a reason.

A relationship is only for two people, but some bitches don't know how to count.

Girls who claim that a lot of guys are after them should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

A successful relationship requires falling in love multiple times, but always with the same person.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute.
I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

Möchten Sie Ihren Kaffee schwarz?

Nein, Rosa mit grünen Sternchen, Tischfeuerwerk
und Girlanden

They asked me why I don't have tattoos...
so I told them:

"Do you see a Ferrari
with bumper stickers?"

Be with a guy who ruins your lipstick, not your mascara.

I don't mind your weirdness as long as it's compatible with mine.

Fashion is what you buy. Style is what you do with it.

IT'S A WURST CASE SCENARIO

Some come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

SORRY, CALL ME OLD FASHIONED, BUT I THINK SHORTS SHOULD BE LONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA.

I love that stage
in a friendship where you can start insulting them.

9 months before I was born, I went to this awesome party with my dad, and I left with my mom.

I get ignored so much, people should call me 'Terms and Conditions'.

That three second lap dance you get when someone passes you to sit in your row at the movies.

LEARNING TO IGNORE THINGS IS ONE OF THE GREAT PATHS TO INNER PEACE

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

When I was a kid....

No wait, I still do that.

Dear bitch, first of all you should know I am typing
this with my middle finger...

on a scale of 1 to 10: you are a 9
and i'm the 1 you need

Your life is your message to the world. Make sure it is inspiring.

Winning isn't everything.

Rubbing it in the face of your enemy is also very important.

Wenn man die Buchstabensuppe wieder auskotzt,
ist das dann gebrochenes Deutsch?

You never realize what you have until it's gone.
For example, Toilet Paper.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

I now pronounce you husband and wife - you may change your Facebook status.

If you like water, then you already like 70%
of me.

Do you have to leave so soon?

I was just about to poison the tea.

My level of immaturity changes depending on who I am with.

That annoying moment when you are texting someone and Auto Correct decides to join the conversation.

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow

Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you.

ME, MY PILLOW AND
MY BED

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday

Dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions.

It's summer and the memories are just waiting to happen.

I JUST WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE LAUGHING.

I'm
looking forward regretting tonight

IF YOU CANNOT BE POSITIVE,
then at least
be quiet.

I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

everyone smiles in the same language

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.
I really thought you already knew.

you're not yourself when you're hungry

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

If all men are the same, why are girls so picky?

I'll kiss you in the rain
so you get twice as wet.

This isn't a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for my love machine!

When a girl cancels a date, she has to.
When a guy cancels a date, he has two.

If you obey all the rules,
you'll miss all the fun.

Mirrors can’t talk. Luckily for you, they can’t laugh either!

My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my
brain-to-mouth filter is
malfunctioning

If your heart was really broken you would be dead
so shut up.

If the whole world was blind, how many people would you impress?

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

All things are difficult before they are easy

SEX WITH ME

•priceless•

Thank you for being the only person I talk to instead of about.

Das Verhängnis unserer Kultur ist, dass sie sich materiell viel stärker entwickelt hat als geistig.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

There are two kinds of people in this world.
You and every one else.

Lips that touch liquor touch other lips quicker

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

My boss didnt know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.

I live for two reasons:

1) I was born.

2) I haven't died yet.

Well-behaved women rarely make history

-Buddha-

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume its for them?

sometimes I feel useless, but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair

Put
the fun between your legs.

How ironic is life. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without clothes.

The naked
truth is always
better than the
best-dressed lie

WEEKEND COMES, WEEKEND GOES

Da will man mal in Ruhe das ganze Haus putzen und was passiert!

Man hat keine Lust.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is God is crying.

And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is Probably because of something you did.

The girls that say all guys only want is sex are the ones who only has that to offer

Everyone has the right to be ugly, but you're overdoing it.

My neighbors liked my music so much they invited the police over to listen to it.

Dear radio stations, you do realize that there are more than just 5 songs in the world right?

"Hey, wanna fuck and eat with me for a few years?"

"Sure."

Nothing
in life is absolute only vodka

Cleaning my house:

10% Cleaning.
30% Complaining.
60% Playing with the stuff I've found!

I THINK MY GUARDIAN ANGEL DRINKS.

the easiest way to get over someone is
to get under someone else

'PERFECT'
HAS 7 LETTERS
AND SO DOES
'MEEEEEE'

Bin gut drauf, suche jemanden für drunter!

I stepped on a cornflake this morning… Does that make me a cereal killer?

There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise.

Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?

Sorry, the lifestyle
you ordered is currently out of stock.

I'm not saying you're a slut, but if your vagina had a password it would be '1234'.

BE A
VOICE
NOT AN
ECHO

I really should come with a warning label.

If a guy just likes you for your legs, thighs, and breasts, send him to KFC.

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

A paper cut is a tree's last revenge.

This long distance relationship
isn't going to work.
Fridge, you're moving to my bedroom.

We live in a world where people mistake kindness for weakness, sex for love, and social networks for reality.

I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

THE GREATEST INSPIRATION
IS THE DEADLINE

summer-night-cocktail-chillin'-outside-
time

I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

my life is like a porno movie,
without the sex

"be strong"

I whispered to my wifi signal

On the internet, you can pretty much be whatever you want.
It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid.

DIE GUTEN LEOPARDEN KOMMEN IN DEN HIMMEL, DIE BÖSEN AUF DIE LEGGINS

BREATHE IN
PEACE
BREATHE OUT
LOVE

BE AWESOME AND A LITTLE BIT NAKED

You know what's really great about being a narcissist?
Me.

Homework:
Do me do me.

Internet: Don't listen to that slut.

zombies eat brains...

you're safe.

I agree with
the dictionary.
Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

Every mother on earth gave birth to a child. Except my mom, she gave birth to a legend.
High five mom.

Mein Schienbein hilft mir im Dunkeln Möbel zu finden.

Provinz ist da, wo man Lehrer zu den Intellektuellen zählt

A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP."

I'M READY FOR CRAZY SUMMER NIGHTS

The 'L' in my luck has been replaced with an 'F'

Kids learning from TV

What Flickering lights mean:

1% electrical problems

99% demons

You are the WTF generation:

Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.

Ich bin heute irgendwie mit
dem falschen Wein aufgestanden.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is 'five more minutes'.

Sex? No thanks, my life fucks me every day

My lesbian neighbours gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood when I said:
I wanna watch!

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.

If you were born in September, it's pretty obvious that your parents started their new year with a bang.

Worrying is a waste of imaginations and it also ruins a good day.

Mondays seem to go by in 'microwave minutes'.

'That's great dear',
is grandma's version of
'Cool story bro'.

Yes, reason has been a part of religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

There are 70,000 Jehovah's Witnesses in town for a conference.
So I'll be answering the door naked this weekend.

I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs, I only have one small problem,
I lie.

Trust me, when I woke up today I had no plans to be sexy and awesome, but it happens ••

Nothing is scarier than attempting the first fart after having diarrhea.

You can not imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

Excuse me, do you have pregnancy tests?

Yes we do.

Are the questions of the test difficult?

Inside every older person is a younger person … wondering what the hell happened

My bed time is when my cell phone battery reaches 5%

Nerd is not just a 4 letter word.

It's a future
6 digit salary.

when nothing goes right, go to bed.

you're the reason God created the middle finger

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

I'm not getting older, I'm just becoming a classic.

Looking at your best friend and saying:
I'll do it
if you do it.

Life is not like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today can burn your ass tomorrow.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

Frühling,
du geile Sau!

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Oh so you're a model? Who is
your agency, Instagram?

So your parents payed for your iPhone, Mac Book and bought you car?

Please, tell me how hard your life is.

Never tell your problems to anyone.

20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Men have two emotions:
hungry and horny.

may the person reading this have a great weekend

hey girl, you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too

I think wet dreams are actually God giving you a handjob for being so good.

My life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control.

Why does toilet paper need a commercial?

Who is not buying toilet paper?

Auto correct can straight go to he'll

Tell me three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Drin-king
Smo-king
Fuc-king

Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

(.) (.) + € = ( . ) ( . )

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but I love you now.

WHO WANTS TO BE MY 2.000th FOLLOWER?

LIFE IS TO EXPRESS YOURSELF
not to impress others

By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

one look in
the mirror.

one question: why is it called beauty sleep?

Try Again.
Fail again.
Fail better.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Tu was für
dein Image -
lass dich mit mir sehen!

I like my own posts

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Three may keep a secret,
if two of them are dead.

EVERYTHING YOU WANT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR!

Note to myself:

Wearing headphones
do not make my farts silent.

The best friendships
are built on inappropriateness and sarcasm.

That risky naked run from the bathroom to the bedroom.

The Theory of Relativity:
Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

Let's go camping.

In a hotel.
With a pool. And a spa.

some people just need a high five in the face...
with a chair!

WE LIVE IN THE ERA OF SMART PHONES AND STUPID PEOPLE •

Deja Poo: The feeling that you've heard this crap before.

USE THINGS, NOT PEOPLE

LOVE PEOPLE, NOT THINGS

Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.

rausgehen ist wie fenster aufmachen nur krasser

How to make
an idiot wait?

I will tell you later…..

SUMMER
IS
CUMING

Die Pflicht ruft.

Ich rufe zurück.

Saturday

• pants optional•

Why do hipsters love the subway?

Because it’s so underground!

9 von 10 Stimmen in meinem Kopf sagen ich bin irre.

Eine summt.

What do you want to be when you
get older?

H A P P Y

Last night I almost had a threesome,
I only needed two more people!

Konzentration ist wenn man...

OH TITTEN!

IT NEVER GETS EASIER.

YOU JUST GET BETTER.

unterm tisch sehen
wir uns wieder

Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.

Das sind keine Augenringe, das sind Schatten großer Taten!

phases of sex during man's life:

triweekly,
try weekly
and try weakly.

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

'Dude that song is old'.
'Well so is your mom, but you still listen to her.'

TRUST ME
YOU CAN
DANCE

- Vodka -

Hurricanes are
like women.
When they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car.

$(....\...................../....) .\....\................ ../..../. ..\....\................./ . ./.. ...\....\.............../..../... ....\..../´¯.l.¯`\../..../.... ..../... l....l....(¯ `\ /...... ...l......l....l.... \.... \...... ...l......l´¯.l´¯.l\..\...... ...\......` ¯..¯ ´..../..... ....\_________. · ´$

My book club reads wine labels.

Ist das Kunst oder kann das weg?

Life is like toilet paper.
You're either
on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

Die sieben Phasen eines Projektes:
1. Begeisterung
2. Verwirrung
3. Ernüchterung
4. Suche nach dem Schuldigen
5. Bestrafung eines Unschuldigen
6. Auszeichnung eines Nichtbeteiligten
7. Rückkehr zum altbewährten System

Ich würde nicht Schlampe zu ihr sagen. Öffentliches Verkehrsmittel trifft es besser.

Wie nennt man einen Boomerang der nicht zurück kommt?

Stock.

Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection!

That annoying moment when you finally get comfortable in bed and then BAAM, you have to pee.

BALD IST ZEITUMSTELLUNG, DANN KANN MAN ABENDS NOCH BEI TAGESLICHT SCHNEE SCHIPPEN

WALK OF SHAME:

Checking my phone after a night of drinking.

Girls are like Blackberrys, they only work when you rub one little button.

Men are like iPhones, one touch anywhere and
they respond.

Keep
your
personal
life
personal !

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine:
Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

Nimm deine Hand aus meiner Hose!

Ich zähle bis Tausend!

THE ANSWER OF THE DAY:

"I don't care !"

be sure to taste your words before you spit them out

SOMETIMES
IT TAKES BALLS TO BE A WOMAN

Was ist rot und schädigt deine Zähne?

Ein Backstein!

Mein Grill und ich stehen
vorm Fenster und warten auf die Sonne.

FREITAG:
DER KLÜGERE KIPPT NACH

My boss says
I intimidate
the other colleagues,
so I just stared at him until he apologized.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic

I need a girl that'll make my nipples hard. Not my fucking life.

Todays challenges:

Not reading the Terms and Conditions yet selecting 'I Agree' because you're a fearless bastard.

I don't need Google, my wife knows everything.

C'est la fucking vie.

Weird is a side effect of awesome.

Some people need to open their small minds instead of their big mouths.

A “Lion” would never cheat on his wife but a “Tiger Woods”

DAS IST KEIN ÜBERGEWICHT, das sind dinge die mir ans herz gewachsen sind

Some things are so awkward to say but so easy to bold.

Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.

I use excessive sarcasm at work because punching someone in the face is frowned upon by management.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals;
I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Life is like a Poker game.
If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

Some men are like mascara.

They usually run at the first sign
of emotion.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting at the bar.

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

SHUT UP,
I THINK
YOU ARE GORGEOUS.

That awkward moment when you forget to turn your sexyness off and wake up covered in bitches.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard.

Officer:
'How high are you?'

Me:
No Officer it's,
'Hi, how are you?'!

• • •
• •
• •
•
don't let anyone burst your bubbles

YOU CAN'T PHOTOSHOP YOUR UGLY PERSONALITY

Was haben Spider-Man und Hipster gemeinsam?

Wenn sie kein Netz haben, gehen sie fotografieren.

Ich kann dich so ignorieren, dass du an deiner eigenen Existenz zweifelst.

My laziness is exactly like the number 8. If it lays down, it becomes infinite.

Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no one's looking, you have to stick it into a handicaped one.

ICH BIN GEGEN GEWALT AN FRAUEN ABER BEI FRAU HOLLE MACHE ICH BALD EINE AUSNAHME •

Bewerbung verschickt!

Mit ein bisschen Glück bin ich bald der erste Papst, welcher Boldomatic nutzt.

be a smile on someone else’s face

90's NERDS
=
2013 HIPSTER

The beauty of me is that I'm very rich.

Its freezing and snowing in New York we need global warming!

A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

In unserer Wohnung ist es so heiss,
dass gestern zwei Hobbits einen Ring durchs Fenster geschmissen haben.

MY FEET HURT

FROM KICKING SO MUCH ASS

Girls want a lot of things from one guy.

Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

I wish I could type my mood into my iPod and it would make a playlist for me.

DON'T
EAT YELLOW
SNOW

WE STOPPED CHECKING FOR MONSTERS UNDER OUR BED

when we realized that they are inside us

FUCK
YOU,
YOU FUCKING FUCK

You have Van Gogh's ear for music

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments

The best revenge is massive success.

World without men:

No crime and lots of happy fat women

Auch Schlafen ist eine Form der Kritik, vor allem im Theater.

Some come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

Sometimes
I wish I was an octopus,
so I could slap 8 people at once.

People who share their food with
me have a special place in my heart.

Ich habe so wenige Laster, wenn ich
eines davon aufgäbe, wäre ich ein Heiliger.

Mama, Mama ich mag Nachbars Hund nicht!

Dann iss wenigstens das Gemüse!

ER KAM, SAH UND SIECHTE

I WANT YOUR TONGUE WORSHIPING MY BODY

Büro ist nicht wie Religion, wo du erst tot sein musst, damit du weisst ob's den Chef überhaupt gibt.

eine kinderlose Ehe besteht aus SPASSVÖGELN

One day my wife's credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!

People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used.

The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.

True friends don't leave you hanging when no one has 'liked' your post!

A I R P O R T
a place where the distance to your gate is inversely proportional to the time available to catch your flight.

Früher hatten die Menschen Angst vor der Zukunft.

Heute muß die Zukunft Angst vor den Menschen haben.

If you
are going through hell, keep going.

You have one advantage over me.
You can kiss my ass and I can't.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.

I'M NAKED UNDER THESE CLOTHES!

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

saturday

night

fever

Relation satus:
[] Single
[] Taken
X I'm a unicorn and don't date humans

Wir leben alle unter dem gleichen Himmel, aber wir haben nicht alle den gleichen Horizont.

Was ist höhere Mathematik?

Wenn man morgens aufwacht und die Wurzel aus einer Unbekannten zieht!

wenn jetzt der Frühling kommt geh ich nicht hin, der kann mich mal

Wäre es mittlerweile nicht einfacher Berlin abzubauen und neben einem funktionierenden Flughafen wieder hochzuziehen?

I hate the word Homophobia.
It's not a Phobia. You're not scared.
You're an Asshole!

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn't even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.

Der Penis ist der treuste Freund eines Mannes, entweder er hängt an Dir oder er steht zu Dir!

Mirror:
Oh you look good today!

Camera: Fuck no.

Hi, I’ve lost my teddy bear and I was wondering if you’d sleep with me instead.

3 words to ruin a guys ego.
Is it in?

!!!!!!! Yeah !!!!!!!

Ich habe Google Earth durchgespielt

Fake people have an image to maintain.

Real people just don't give a shit!

Renew your passions daily.

Daily routine:

wake up
be awesome
go back to sleep

beer hasn't many vitamins.

that's why you have to drink a lot of it.

W A N T E D

40 more followers
to get the 1000

DO MORE OF WHAT MAKES YOU AWESOME

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Yes, reason has been a part of religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Top three reasons why she doesn't text you back:

1. She's just not that into you
2. She's imaginary
3. She's a cat

...one girls piece of shit boyfriend is another drunk sluts prince charming...

Wer kriecht, kann
nicht stolpern.

get the fuck up and save the world!!

i'll hold your beer...

Last time in the mountains.

Someone:
Excuse me, you're blocking the view.

Me:
I am the view.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

YOU LOOK GOOD WHEN MY EYES ARE CLOSED

Don't get on my nerves.
I'm running Out of places to hide the bodies.

Warum schließen die Tankstellen immer die Toiletten ab?
Hat man Angst, jemand könnte sie sauber machen?

Surprise your body. Be sober

Why do men get their great ideas in bed?

Because they're plugged into a genius!

When guys wait for the perfect girl, it's Playboy's fault.

When girls wait for the perfect guy, it's Disney's fault.

Use Facebook for what it was originally for!

Looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Never let your memories be greater than your dreams

Ich hatte immer viel Pech mit Frauen. Die erste ist mir weggelaufen - und die zweite nicht.

Sex can lead
to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

I'm not
lazy, I'm
just highly motivated not to do anything.

Ich bin Schauspieler, Regisseur, Stuntman und Dramaturgist meines eigenen Lebens.

I WANT TO MAKE BOLD WITH YOU

BITCH I'LL BURN THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE GROUND, NOW WHERE IS IT?!

sir, calm down, your toy is under the mcnuggets.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

o single
o taken
x I'm sexy
and I know it

Das maximale Volumen subterrarer Agrarprodukte steht in reziproker Relation zur spirituellen Kapazität des Produzenten

= Der dümmste Bauer hat die dicksten Kartoffeln.

I wish I had boobs so people would stop making eye contact with me.

My life would be awesome if my phone never ran out of battery and my fridge never ran out of good food.

M O T H E R
that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries.

Was ist 30 Meter lang, riecht nach Urin ,hat 19 Beine und 23 Zähne?

Polonaise im Altenheim

HEUTE WEGEN
GESTERN GESCHLOSSEN

I love my job only when I'm on vacation.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for
a date on
Saturday night.

ICH BIN GEGEN RASEN AUF AUTOBAHNEN!

Wer soll denn den ganzen scheiss mähen?

Adults are just kids with money.

Habe meine Ernährung umgestellt. Die Süßigkeiten stehen jetzt links vom Laptop.

He looked at her like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

In bed:
open your eyes it's 6 am close it for five minutes and it's 7:45.

At work:
It's 1:30 close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 1:31.

H3y, Wh@t R y0uu d0inq?!'

About to throw a dictionary in your face.

FEEL FREE TO HUG AND SQUEEZE ME

I'd love to...
but only with you!