Johnmilisis's Posts

If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

Reposted from Pesca

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I like to be alone.
But I would rather be alone with you.

Reposted from wookie

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I HOPE YOUR DAY IS AS NICE AS YOUR BUTT

Reposted from pinche_raffie

Sun goes down earlier for short people.

Reposted from hebdifescht

The mini
heart attack
you get
when you
miss a step
going down
the stairs.

Reposted from Ms_Ntlebi

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Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

Reposted from NukeSkywalker

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No, you aren't fat, you have just about the perfect size to flirt with whales.

Reposted from satan

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You're
somebody's
reason to
masturbate •

Reposted from Lirpae..

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If a liar says he is lying, is
he telling the truth?

Reposted from hebdifescht

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I'm never sure what to do with
my eyes when I'm at the dentist.

Reposted from hebdifescht

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This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, an cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!

Reposted from anonymous

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Distance means
so little when
someone means
so much

Reposted from kj55

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Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

Reposted from anonymous

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Yes, i've made mistakes. Life doesn't come with instructions.

Reposted from anonymous

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When a girl says she'll be ready in 5 more minutes, she's using the same time scale as when a guy says the game has 5 minutes left.

Reposted from anonymous

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I'm going to change my name to 'Benefits'. Now when you add me on Facebook it will say "You are now friends with benefits."

Reposted from anonymous

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Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.

Reposted from anonymous

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I lost 40 pounds in one day and
YOU CAN TOO
if you cut off your leg.

Reposted from anonymous

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I hate it when i forget something i really wanted to say.

Reposted from anonymous

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You haven't experienced awkward until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish...

Reposted from anonymous

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I am responsible for what i say. I'm not responsible for what you understand.

Reposted from anonymous

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I didn't trip, i was testing gravity... it still works.

Reposted from anonymous

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I'd actually go running if there wasn't anybody around to see me stop after 43 seconds.

Reposted from anonymous

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Life is weird. You can go from being strangers. To being friends. To being more than friends. To being practically strangers again.

Reposted from anonymous

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I've never been skydiving, but i've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

Reposted from anonymous

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*Buying stuff at the store*

Cashier: Are you buying all of these?

Me: No, i'm stealing them. I just wanted to show you first.

Reposted from anonymous

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Ready for:
S un-kissed skin.
U nforgetable days.
M emorable nights.
M eeting new people.
E ndless nights.
R eal fun.

Reposted from anonymous

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I don't understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single."

I fight with my parents but you don't see me change my status to "orphan."

Reposted from anonymous

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If people could hear the next 5 seconds after I hit end call, I would have no friends.

Reposted from anonymous

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I accidentally bumped into my ex today... with my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

Reposted from anonymous

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"Hi, can i help you?" "No, i just waited in line for 15 minutes to say hi."

Reposted from anonymous

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'All together' is written separately, but 'separately' is written all together.

Reposted from anonymous

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Me after every conversation: Why the f*ck did I say that.

Reposted from anonymous

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They say "don't drink and drive". Well... yesterday i was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. Yeah. I'm a badass.

Reposted from anonymous

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Bob has 40 chocolate bars. He eats 35. What does Bob have now?

"Diabetes. Bob has diabetes."

Reposted from anonymous

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It's the little things you do
that makes me so crazily
attracted to you.

Reposted from kj55

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"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah"
"Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm"
"Let me try to put it in slowly"
"Ouch, it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size"

Reposted from anonymous

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Sarcasm is the best answer to a stupid question.

Reposted from anonymous

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Don't confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who i am. My attitude depends on who you are.

Reposted from anonymous

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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?!"

Me: "Gravity, mom."

Reposted from anonymous

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Step 1: Take homework out of backpack.
Step 2: Reward yourself with 2 hours of internet for making it that far.

Reposted from anonymous

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"It's easy to take off all your clothes and have sex, people do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, futures, hopes, and dreams... that's being naked."

Reposted from anonymous

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Shh, they're watching us...

Reposted from kj55

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I don't get why people find drunk texts annoying. You're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly.

Reposted from anonymous

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It's funny how i was the fastest sperm and now i barely move at all.

Reposted from anonymous

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Teacher: You failed the test.
Student: You failed to educate me.

Reposted from anonymous

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I found my first grey hair today. Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

Reposted from anonymous

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Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying: "Sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it.

Reposted from anonymous

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When people tell me not to act weird in public. "Please, i'm making your day entertaining."

Reposted from anonymous

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My level of sarcasm is to a point where i don't even know if i'm kidding or not.

Reposted from anonymous

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Lazy rule: If it falls under the bed, it's gone. Forever.

Reposted from anonymous

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I am constantly making the decision between being a good person or being a sarcastic asshole.

Reposted from anonymous

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I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

Reposted from anonymous

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I told you i'll be there in 5 minutes, stop calling me every half an hour!

Reposted from anonymous

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Fact: 6 in 9 people will see something dirty in this post.

Reposted from anonymous

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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5 or 6 times, just to be sure.

Reposted from anonymous

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There's nothing scarier than the split second where you lose your balance in the shower and think "oh god, they're going to find me naked"

Reposted from anonymous

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Sometimes it physically hurts me to hold back my sarcastic comments.

Reposted from anonymous

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Teacher: "Why is your cat in school?"

Kid: "Because i heard dad say to mom, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' "

Reposted from anonymous

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People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to.

Reposted from anonymous

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Sorry, i can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roomate's pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.

Reposted from anonymous

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Don't be bad.

Except in bed, there you can be bad.

Reposted from kj55

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I'm not a morning person. or a night time person. I don't think i'm even a person.

Reposted from anonymous

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I'm not a morning person. or a night time person. I don't think i'm even a person.

Reposted from anonymous

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Whoever is reading this, you are beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile, life is too short to be unhappy.

Reposted from anonymous

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I get awkward when someone compliments me and i don't know what to say.
Them: You look pretty today.
Me: Happy Birthday.

Reposted from anonymous

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Life is like a camera. Just focus on what's important, capture the good times, develop from the negatives, and if things don't turn out - take another shot.

Reposted from anonymous

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Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.

Reposted from yafei

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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day unless you have dinner with me.

Reposted from SaraRuid

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There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying,

"I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."

Reposted from Lirpae..

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