mtriggs68's Posts

Get your shit together. Put it all in a bag, like a shit backpack or something and get it together. If you need to take it somewhere, take it to the shit store, but just get it together. All your shit. Together.

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reposted by siouxz

Trump is an error we may never recover from.

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I accidentailly mixed my Viagra with my laxative. I don't know if i'm coming or going.

SimonLauper likes this

Most Pit Bulls are really just three Shih-Tzus wearing a trenchcoat.

bold likes this

Thanking god for "saving" you from a natural disaster is like sending a thank you note to the serial killer who murdered the family next door.

Akatrine likes this

Everything that happens, happens for a reason.

Except ostriches. What the hell, man?!?

Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

Today IS a beautiful day.

God had nothing to do with it.

"I prayed to God and got my leg back..." said no amputee ever.

topbuzz likes this

Make 'em laugh...

Make 'em breakfast.

The smiling god is not so much smiling or a god; but a secret underground missile testing site.

I want to climb a mountain... but I don't believe in mountains.

The night is dark... and full of terrors.

RELIGION POISONS EVERYTHING.

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Believe in a smiling god.

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Hang up the chick habit, hang it up daddy; or you'll be alone in a quick.

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A lion does not concern himself with the opinions of sheep.

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#wherethefuckiscecil?

welcome to night vale

Darth Vader died for your sins.

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reposted by Boldomatic, Heddrixx, katelskergiraf, DarkBlack, jeanbaptiste, jeanbaptiste, jeanbaptiste, StoicSociety, anyguy, sportygirl and 6 others

Teach your children HOW to think, instead of WHAT to think.

KnightofSIAL, Akatrine and guggigirl like this

Words that are not words that Instagram wants us to think are words:

"Tryna"
"Turnt"
"Thot"
"Drank" (used as a noun)

We are all made of stardust

PenSword72 and epstein like this

Is anyone else just sick to death of seeing all these get rich quick bullshit posts on Instagram?

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FAITH:

The willful supression of critical thought.

It is not a thing to be proud of.

brody and epstein like this

An aardvark hid candy corn and marshmallow creme sandwiches all over my house. Happy Easter.

Easter falls on 4/20 this year. So, if you smoke enough grass, you may just be able to find the Easter story believable.

Oh, it's Good Friday? I believe I'll have a steak.

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All angels go by the name Erika. That's the first thing you learn in seventh grade transmigration class.

epstein likes this

"Let's not dwell on our corpse-strewn past, let's celebrate our corpse-strewn future!"

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Monday will not harm you, but you should stock up on latex gloves, regardless.

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Scientist Carlos.

With his beautiful hair and

Brilliant mind. Carlos.

"We have nothing to fear except ourselves. We are unholy, awful people."

"Do you get sexually aroused by carpal tunnel syndrome?

That would be weird. Not to be judgemental or anything, but that would be weird."

epstein likes this

"Nice bola tie" is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.

Prayer: it's like science, but without all the efficacy.

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All hail the Glow Cloud.

dAn likes this

Santa Claus
The Easter Bunny
The Tooth Fairy
The Devil
Jesus Christ

What do they have in common?

Figments of your fucking imagination!!!

lowc, Ms_Ntlebi and epstein like this

If I say, "Oh god!" I am not referring to any specific god, just like if I say, "Oh shit!" I am not referring to any specific shit.

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reposted by lowc

I was looking around inside my mind today. Someone needs to clean up in there. It's filthy!

I'm just saying: if zombies ever chase us, I'm tripping your ass.

I am a dirty old man.

(But basically a nice guy.)

bold and guggigirl like this

God does not stop terrible things from happening because:

A) He can't
B) He doesn't want to
C) He causes them
D) He doesn't exist

Vote Now.

bold likes this

Feeling down? Repeat this prayer: "God, make my life better, I trust in you." then watch as nothing happens.

unflat and dAn like this

At church last week, when the collection plate came around, I put some Monopoly money in. The pastor said to me, "You can't do that! That's not real money!" I replied, "Let's talk about this god of yours..."

AshenHearted and juergmettler like this

If I could build the perfect woman to my exact specifications, she would wind up exactly like you.

When someone tells me, "I'll pray for you," I can't help thinking, "Yeah? I'll talk behind your back too."

If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.

If Coca-Cola wants to use "America the Beautiful" in an ad, they should make sure it is being sung in a truly American language: Cherokee.

Akatrine likes this

"Faith is not a way to figure out anything real."
- Aron Ra

Live life like no one is watching.

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I'm going to Hell in every religion.

YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

scottluper likes this

"I don't know... Therefore; God."

Seems legit.

I maintain a healthy disbelief in invisible sky daddies.

Another year is ending and still no rapture. I'm beginning to think that shit is made up.

The Bible condones slavery, child abuse, war, misogony, and human sacrifice. And you call it "The Good Book?"

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"Give your ID card to the border guard... now your alias says you're Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United Federation of Planets cuz they don't speak English anyway..."

Keep Thor in Thursday!!

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The world would be a much better place if Christians were more like Christ.

Of course, by "more like Christ," I mean "imaginary."

GaylrdSprFckr likes this

Not just no...
But HELL NO!!

All I want for Christmas is you.

Just kidding. Get me shit that has to do with Batman.

If you want a government based upon a religious book, perhaps you should move to Iran.

Keep Saturn in Saturnalia.

I am not truly a proponent of atheism, I am a proponent of rational thought. Atheism is just the natural result.

perellano, Hank-the-knife and GaylrdSprFckr like this

Imagine if god had made Adam & Steve... that garden would have been faaaabuloussss!!!

Jesus is just the guy who mows my lawn.

A loaf of bread, a quart of milk, and a stick of buttah...

Babs_77 likes this

Go ahead and judge me.

I don't give one fuck what you think.

"Who the hell gave you ten cents!?" demanded the man.

"Everybody," said his wife.

A man and his wife were hard up for money, so the wife agreed she would go downtown and "sell her body." After several hours she returned home, proudly announcing to her husband that she'd made three hubdred dollars and ten cents.

What we call "faith" is the willful and intentional suspension of critical thought. it is not a "virtue" and it is not something to be proud of.

"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."
-Christopher Hitchens

Proud to be a dirty little heathen.

guggigirl likes this

I am not afraid of your invisible sky-daddy.

GaylrdSprFckr and satan like this

Scientists have determined that marijuana use will lower your body temperature. This means, in layman's terms, that smoking pot does, in fact, make you cool.

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And all of us who follow the teachings of the invisible purple unicorn are going to lobby to make eating cheerios illegal, punishable by immediate death. Oh, and there are MILLIONS of us. Does my belief in this silly thing seem harmless now?

I just hope you don't eat Cheerios. The book of Equestrians 3:22 reads "Eat not the oat cereals for the sinner who eats Cheerios is guilty of an abomination and shall be put to death."

satan likes this

That's okay, right? I mean if it comforts me to believe in my invisible purple unicorn, that's not hurting anyone else, right?

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The invisible purple unicorn protects me, watches over me and gives me comfort in times of need.

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There is an invisible purple unicorn living in my back yard.

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Telling someone in need, "I'll pray for you" is a great way to make yourself feel as though you are being helpful without having to actually DO anything.

I support traditional marriage.

My daughter is worth AT LEAST four goats and a camel.

I went out with a girl with a stutter. When the waiter asked for her order she said, "Na-na-na-na-na-na-" So I helped her out by saying, "BATMAN."

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reposted by bold

Between 1500 BC and 1950 AD in Norway there was not a single school shooting and no gang violence whatsoever. Clearly it is time we let Odin and Thor back into our schools and our government.

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reposted by OlavRex and Jamille

Sending kids to church to be indoctrinated is a form of child abuse.

It is five a.m. and you are listening to Los Angeles...

I want sushi, dammit!

Babs_77 likes this

"Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It's nothing to be admired."
- Bill Maher

I'm her dirty little secret... and I'm okay with that.

guggigirl and Babs_77 like this

That annoying feeling when ten IG accounts you follow all shout out the same page and yiu have to scroll by the same picture over and over...

Pssst... can you keep a secret?

So can I.

Akatrine likes this

BOOBS

I like that shit.

mjf likes this

My bank has a seevice where they send me a text message of my balance every day... that's pretty cool, but do they really have to add "LMFAO" every time?

abeyarat likes this

eep, opp, orp; ah-ah!

Okay, hold on... I want a do-over.

We all have demons. I just choose to feed mine.

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If you believe that mumbling a few Latin words over your IHOP pancakes will turn them into the body of Elvis Presley; you're a lunatic. But, have a priest do the same thing over a cracker and believe it is the body of Jesus Christ and you're a Catholic.

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Is your desire to BELIEVE greater than your desire to KNOW?

lowc, Akatrine, Babs_77 and guggigirl like this

"Better safe than sorry?" "Believe in god because he might be real?" Isn't that kinda like saying, "Don't go to sleep because Freddy Krueger might be waiting?"

lowc, GaylrdSprFckr and Babs_77 like this

Excited that BBM is available on iPhone? That's like being happy you found an mp3 player that can play 8-Tracks.

I have the body of a ninteen year-old.

It's buried in the back yard.

Babs_77 likes this

If you don't want your airline pilot or your cab driver to say, "Take the wheel, Jesus," you probably shouldn't say it either.

Today I woke up alive. God had nothing to do with it.

When The Walking Dead is on, you shut the fuck up!

lowc, Babs_77 and avant-garde like this

Want to know the best way to have your prayers answered?

Pray for shit that would have happened anyway.

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I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman... but I have woken up with a few.

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The Zombie Apocalypse is never going to happen.

The Fucktard Apocalypse, however, is already upon us. Don't be a victim!

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Everything I needed to know about life I learned playing Grand Theft Auto.

lowc, Babs_77, bold and avant-garde like this

Marijuana does not make you lazy... it merely helps you realize that all the shit you have to do really isn't that important.

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Procrastination is like masturbation:

Sure, it feels good at the time, but you're only fucking yourself.

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Alcohol does not solve any problems.

But, then again, milk doesn't either.

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Beliefs do not affect facts. Facts, however, should affect beliefs.

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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the... Fuck it. If you're not part of the solution, you're a fucking asshole.

PenSword72, Gabbem, SimonLauper and bold like this

I just heard that Apple wants to start building houses...

But they can't get licensing to install windows.

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Generic Instagram Photograph

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SAND
mayo
lettuce
tomato
cheese
ham
turkey
bacon
mayo
WICH

#sandwich

mir-jam likes this

Pleasing everyone may be impossible, but pissing everyone off is very easy.

avant-garde likes this

Yes, I am an atheist.

If your god doesn't like it, let him tell me, not you.

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I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness; starving, hysterical, naked...

dor1316 likes this

Mare Mama Dog-Face in the Banana Patch.

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reposted by ianredsox

Bold Haiku can be done;
Metered verse exsists for us
To enjoy today.

Wait... I'm "trending"?
OMG what will I wear?

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Wake up and smell the cat food in your bank account.

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reposted by satan

When a woman says she'll be ready in five minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and finish constructing my Death Star before we leave.

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Tour the world
In a heavy metal band...
But they run out of gas;
The plane can never land...

They Might Be Giants

mjf likes this

Churches and religious organizations own roughly $600 BILLION in property and take in about $82 BILLION annually. The free ride is over and I say it's time they start paying taxes on that loot.

lowc, guggigirl, Babs_77, dAn and GaylrdSprFckr like this

I do not need a shepherd, thanks. I am not a sheep.

Babs_77 likes this

So, I've been doing a little research and, hey! Whattaya know? It actually WAS Adam & Steve!

Superman is impervious to bullets; they boince right off his chest. Spider-Man is not; he's still just flesh and blood. The bad guys always unload at Superman anyway. No one ever tries to shoot Spider-Man. Ever. Why?

bold likes this

So it looks like we may bomb Syria because Syria bombed Syria.

Makes perfect sense.

@naebitnae...

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If I am ever in a coma and have to be connected to machines to be kept alive, someone please clear my browsing history.

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reposted by Boldomatic, immagaonagetit, kaimera, cedbuzz, lau25301, nileshtandon, nileshtandon, nileshtandon, ronel, danielasraf99 and 2 others

"Dear, God..." oh, wait, I don't believe in God. "Dear, Batman..." oh, yeah... "Dear Ben Affleck, please protect..."

bold likes this

I've done some pretty stupid shit when I was sober, too.

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My date of birth was February 5, 1968. IMDB tells me that Daniel Craig's date of birth was March 2, 1968. What kind of a fucking world is it where I am older than JAMES BOND?

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Wife: My gynecologist said I can't have sex for two weeks.

Husband: What did your dentist say?

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I have a personal relationship with reality.

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John Lennon was the "soul" of The Beatles. George Harrison was the "spirit" of The Beatles. Paul McCartney was the "heart" of The Beatles. And Ringo Starr was the drummer.

Akatrine, Babs_77 and bold like this

What's the difference between your paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Babs_77 likes this

Before you marry someone, ask yourself, "will she/he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

Babs_77 and bold like this

A short list of words that sound funnier than they really are:

Kumquat
Shuttlecock
Head Cheese

That is all.

What do most men do first thing after an orgasm?

Delete their browsing history.

Did you see where I put that thing? I swear it was right there just a moment ago.

Where the hell did that thing go?

"Your belief system does not deserve respect just because it makes you happy."

- The Thinking Atheist

perellano and mjf like this

It's true that SCIENCE can not yet prove EVERYTHING; however RELIGION can not prove ANYTHING.

The time has come for the truth to be known.

I'm Batman

(The poster of this message is not actually Batman.)

mjf likes this

FUCK, people!
It's really not that hard. "Breath" is a noun. "Breathe" is a verb. A dying man may "breathe his last breath," but he can't "breath his last breath." Ever.

satan likes this

Mi chica mi llama 'Papi.'

What do we want?

TIME TRAVEL!

When do we want it?

IT'S IRRELEVANT!

ane likes this

PenSword72 and satan like this

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

Give that penis a sandwich.

satan likes this

Thank Batman it's my Friday.

The next time I go to Walmart, I'm gonna buy KY Jelly, condoms, X-Lax, Preparation H, tampons, Midol, a douche, and a bottle of vodka all at the same time and nothing else... just to see the look on the cashier's face.

mjf and jennola504 like this

GOD HATES FIGS

and dates, rasins, and prunes...

The city bus I was just on had "that new car smell." Refreshing, since they usually smell like weed, old beer, and transients.

mjf likes this

ZOMBIES

Because, who doesn't love being eaten?

Did you hear the one about the man with five penises? His pants fit him like a glove.

GaylrdSprFckr likes this

"Gray would be the color... if I had a heart."
- Trent Reznor

Happy Birthday, America! Let's drink a lot of alcohol and handle explosives! what could go wrong?

satan likes this

I'm feeling overworked and under-intoxicated.

When JFK said, "ich bein ein berliner" to the people of Berlin, his words translated roughly to "I am a donut." Just sayin'

Homosexuality is not a choice. Bigoted, intolerant hatred is.

Do you scream when you come? I won't know because your thighs will be covering my ears.

Why don't I go to church? For the same reason you don't go unicorn hunting.

lowc and bold like this

Yo mama so classless she could be considered a Marxist Utopia.

Anyone who believes that "people are basically decent" has never had to clean a public rest room.

God, I love it when she calls me "Papi."

T.G.I.F
(Tongue Goes In First)

I can't believe the government is reading my emails. Even I don't read my emails.

Whenever I have a cigar in my mouth, I resemble a celebrity.

Rin-Tin-Tin taking a dump.

The answer to life's mysteries can be summed up in four words:

Roberto's Carne Asada Fries.

Some days I feel like I'm wearing a red shirt at Target. Others I feel like I'm wearing a red shirt on Star Trek.

hemko likes this

This may be the ugliest background color in the world.

When someone says "STOP," I don't know whether to collaborate and listen, or if it's now Hammer Time.

hemko and bold like this

Let your geek flag fly!

"I believe it is derogatory for a man to refer to a woman's breasts as 'boobs,' 'jugs,' 'Winnebegos,' or 'golden bozos.'"

- Steve Martin

The Bible should begin with "Once upon a time..."

In brightest day or blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil's might beware my power: Green Lantern's light!

GaylrdSprFckr likes this

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Reposted from mtriggs68

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

reposted by mtriggs68

I wish the first rule of Christianity was the same as the first rule of Fight Club.

Science:
it's like prayer, except it yields results.

Remember:

Flying airplanes into buildings was a "faith-based initiative."

BOOBS

That is all.

GaylrdSprFckr likes this

SATOR
AREPO
TENET
OPERA
ROTAS

NASCAR is NOT a sport!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Muthamutha fuck. Muthamutha fuck fuck. Muthafuck. Muthafuck. Noitch, noitch, noitch!

It's time for everyone's favorite new game show: Pick the Pope!

Soon I duscovered that this 'rock' thing was true. Jerry Lee Lewis was the Devil. Jesus was an architecht previous to his career as a prophet. I found myself in love with the world so there was only one thing left to do. Ding a ding long my dang a long ling long.

A cat has claws at the ends of its paws; a compound sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

bold likes this

"Look, sir... droids!"

Your mother was a hamster... and your father smelled of elderberries!

Zombies don't run, bastards!

Saying, "It's true because it's in the Bible." is the same as saying, "It's true because it's in Harry Potter."

Aryk_Reversed, al. and mjf like this

Shop smart.
Shop S-Mart!

mjf likes this

R2D2
C3P0
YODA
JAWA

Star Wars is full of four-letter words.

hemko likes this

BATMAN:

Because a guy in a cape fighting a guy dressed like a clown is just cool somehow.

PenSword72, xxmille and FashTechNerd like this

reposted by xxmille

birthday: over

overall it was pretty damn good. thanks to everyone who made it special.

xanthie and littlethings like this

birth,
school,
work,
death.

jennola504 likes this

janem803 and hemko like this

TAX the fucking churches

Generic
Facebook
Photo

bold likes this

Pssst... does this smell like chloroform to you?

Akatrine, athanasia.d and bold like this

Zombies eat brains.

You are safe.

classykiwi likes this

Forty
Fucking
Five.
Ugh.

Every time you turn around, the Universe fucks you in the ass.

Sven and bold like this

Hasa
Diga
Ebowai

The world is FULL of crazy fuckers.

GOD

Because science is, like, hard and stuff.

bold likes this

Capitalization is important, kids. It can make all the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and just helping your uncle jack off a horse.

hemko likes this

I went to thesaurus.com and looked up the word 'ninjas.'

The site responded with, "Ninjas could not be found."

Nicely played, ninjas. nicely played.

lowc and bold like this

PUSSY

Do I have your attention?

mjf likes this

zombies.

you're what's for dinner.