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PennyLame

two nipples and a cat

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PennyLame

It's like I'm the only drunk person at this yoga class.

105

I like people the way I like my tea.

I hate tea.

86

Wow, that was rather inappropriate.

Let's be friends.

91

My boss doesn't like the nickname I gave him. It's awful to see Princess Dickhead crying.

83

I don't really want it if I have to show you how to give it.

78

Whatever,
I have boobs.

68

I like long romantic walks off the planet.

49

According to really smart people we should start caring.

67

Boldomatic.

Where you use a fake name to be the most honest you've ever been.

71

Remember
when people argued that a woman couldn't be President because of unpredictable mood swings...

51

I can't people today.

80

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

ain't no borderline psychotic bitch drama either.

41

Fuck off.

I mean good morning.

74

Sorry 2017 I don't swallow.

41

I came.
I saw.
I made it awkward.

44

You could at least hold my hand while you fuck my heart.

22

Any yawn can be a surprise blowjob if you're fast enough.

50

Awe you make me feel all lovey dovey and shit

Get the fuck out

40

We're all idiots but you win.

31

I'm
fucking trying.

38

I'm actually weirder than you think.

48

You guys are the best group therapy I've ever been to.

51

I miss you and other things I don't understand

39

A twisted mind,
a foolish heart and a troubled soul.

46

I probably don't say this often enough, but fuck it.

30

Finally.

An excuse to yell at everyone to stay the fuck away from me.

32

People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut the fuck up. What I'm doing is natural and stengthens the bonds between me and my cat.

57

My ass is too nice for my life to be like this.

38

Life is mostly just a series of moments when you almost drop your phone into the toilet.

28

Wine is the hand sanitizer for the soul.

25

Seeing my madness in the words of others is what keeps me sane.

35

I am the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

44

Just checking in to see if you're all still sexy as fuck.

27

assholes are bad for your lipstick

25

I'm not pale, this is just my moon tan.

28

The average male penis is one unwanted picture long.

28

My anxiety is top-notch.

I can regret the past and fear the future at the same time.

29

In my humble opinion, this meaning of life can go fuck itself.

28

nothing is forbidden until you ask for permission

31

but I want romance, asshole

38

There are some seriously disturbed people on here and I'm glad that I found you.

27

I'm not that good at being myself.

21

Sex so good I made my vibrator cum.

23

I'm the kind of trouble you take home and tie to your bed.

26

Take shit personally.

We all love that.

30

Whatever, the internet loves me.

27

I always cry
at weddings, mainly because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

34

I have to pee.

- An autobiography

25

if it kills you,
love it

21

Before coffee: Hates everybody

After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody

43

Just tell me I'm pretty and feed me Margaritas

23

I once hid a Harvard Business Review in my birth canal to impress my new gynecologist.

28

You're cute and all but I'm not sharing my coffee.

29

Are you there, beautiful...

it's me, sadness.

25

If you ever see me smiling I either just had really good sex or set something on fire, which is more likely.

30

I'm going to miss the handshake after sex.

19

Dear life, whatever, motherfucker. Bring it on.
Whatever.

19

List of people I like:

Cats

30

The old lady next door deserves my affection. So I watered her lawn, drunk and naked.

28

Your scars don't scare me

30

I'd make a great ex-wife.

32

rub my butt and I shall grant you a wish

29

I'm a family person, but from a distance.

31

I'll come back to reality when it stops sucking.

33

I was feeling sad but a stranger on the Internet told me to get over it. So I'm all better now.

27

I won't vote for Hillary just because I'm a woman, just like people shouldn't vote for Trump just because they're idiots.

22

If you hold a warm potato it feels like you're holding someone's heart without having to touch anyone.

21

So do you have decent access to pharmaceuticals or what?

22

My hopes and dreams are stuck in a revolving door.

25

Let's do yoga outside so I can smoke.

22

fuck your positive attitude
that's so 2019

22

Life doesn't have a meaning. Anything goes. You might as well be dreaming.

26

Make it weird and we'll see where it goes.

23

My mom texts me the sweetest things like,
"the picture on facebook makes you look homeless"

32

Why can't the consequences of my bad decisions be a little less permanent?

18

Be a good boy and throw in a little foreplay before you go fuck yourself.

26

*pointing a gun at 2020

17

This weather confuses my nipples.

27

You
can't make me
behave.

26

I'm pretty sure I'll probably die telling someone that I'm fine.

22

I'm your masseuse for a tragic ending.

14

Let's exchange body heat.

29

...and then Cinderella turned her single glass slipper into a crack pipe.

26

*roller skates
over your feelings

21

I'm having an emotional day.

Let's fuck.

22

give up the

never

25

My guardian angel lights my cigarettes.

28

Angry?
Check.
Heartbroken?
Check. Overwhelmed? Check.
Confused?
Check.

25

My favorite part of yoga is the moaning.

25

I used to read on the train. Now I just close my eyes and breathe.

19

I have no idea who most of you are but I feel close to you.

32

Lick my intellectual clit.

23

Sometimes all you need is
a fantastic fuck.

19

Anywhere you want.

Just not in her hair.

19

If you want more action in your life, get a divorce.

24

Today's outfit is called

"Didn't expect to get out of the car."

31

If I'm lost,
please don't find me.

30

Dick pics are the male equivalent of a cat giving you a dead bird as a "gift".

26

nothing wrong with this planet
but us people

15

I cry in the shower
so the cat doesn't see
me upset.

26

*Puts message in a bottle and throws it in a dry river bed.

This could be us.

19

You are
the pen to my cassette tape.

20

If I don't have children, who will carry on the family depression?

25

I danced with the devil...
turns out he's gay.

23

Come to me and mark your territory

27

*Carefully places your corpse on the piano

19

I have a natural sense of misdirection. It's a gift.

24

To blame all muslims
for terrorists,
is like blaming all musician for
Justin Bieber.

30

The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed

12

People who invite me to events, just stop it.

13

I'm kind of a lady, but definitely more of a weirdo.

27

Take me with a pinch of salt, a shot of tequila
and on the kitchen table.

25

"Same"

-me as a therapist

17

Sorry, I'm late for work because I had to tell my cat
"I love you" one more time.

19

I'm not easy but I'm worth it.

19

Isn't it cute, how you're always there when you need me.

15

I don't have an inner child.
I have an inner old person who wants to stab people.

28

I don't like dogs but I bark at people.

27

Unfuck yourself.

29

If I was a plant, I'd be a penis fly trap.

21

Can we meet again and pretend we're not, you know, us?

14

Sorry can't. Busy lying about doing stuff.

17

My body is a temple of doom.

18

I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. Lucky me.

28

With the right drugs, you can be everything.

28

The biggest mistake is assuming anyone gives a fuck.

19

The lift scene from Dirty Dancing, but it's just me and a pizza.

20

Write like you fuck.

28

The cat meows at me, "I know, I know" I whisper back soothingly, but I don't know. I don't know anything.

16

As it turns out, I look fabulous on surveillance videos.

21

Imagine me on top of you.

No, not like that.

I'm fully dressed, and keep punching you in your stupid face.

26

If you can't explain it, poke it with a stick.

17

If cuddling doesn't turn into sex, it's just a delightful waste of time.

24

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was my bladder.

14

Don't forget to share your secrets on the internet.

22

I hate when I'm happy and can't be as sarcastic as usual.

27

When I was ten, I turned into the liberal, atheist bitch your racist uncle warned you about.

21

baby wake up, it's someday

21

If a guy sends you an unwanted dick pic, send back a picture of a bigger and better dick, a dick with a future.

27

Life's a journey

to the fridge and back to bed.

18

Forgive me Father for I hit send.

24

Grab your anger by the pussy.

18

16

I think I broke another psychotherapist.

27

I found a parrot and a tooth in my handbag. Last night was fun.

16

Don't smile.

Smiles invite people to talk.

24

13

Take off your past and dance with me.

26

I am a handful.

Interpret that as you like.

25

*Standing with the bold people of Hong Kong

13

Find
peace
amongst
pieces

21

This zen cannot be fucked with

14

She died doing what she loved, drawing dicks with faces.

19

*plays air clitoris

16

Wrong choice with a body made for sin.

14

I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions.

23

I need uglier friends.

25

Let's get naked and watch Bob Ross.

16

I miss my innocence.

22

My anxiety shines bright like a diamond.

17

Don't you dare talk about reality in front of the cat.

16

Meet me in the hidden chamber of your mind, tangled in sweet memories. Teach me to forget. Tell me to let go.

21

if you're happy and you know it how the fuck

17

The short answer is no. The long answer is fuck no.

16

*eye fucking at the bus stop

22

Olé Motherfuckers.

21

I'm happy to let people into my heart,
or bed...
whatever.

24

Sometimes I haven't anything nice to say and other times I'm horny.

23

I'm not staring at you,
I'm eye fucking you.

Know the difference...

20

The distance between you and happiness is my pair of pants.

22

Holy shit it's gorgeous outside!

*Slowly closes the curtains

13

I'm a Chernobyl type of person.

24

I've been a little MIA because I was trying to have a life but that didn't work out so now I'm all yours.

24

Just once, forever.

24

Oh, so you're in love?
How cute.
I'm in denial.

24

Let's rather just get naked than actually apologize.

24

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Chinese restaurant down the street.

25

I hope my new therapist likes yodeling.

19

lost in sarcasm, don't try and make sense

19

Shhhh,
I'm trying my worst

23

A good way to end an intervention is to introduce your boobs.

17

I'm a people person but I prefer my cat.

18

I just hired a beaver to convert my wooden dildo into headphones.

15

rather a sore vagina than a sore heart

23

Cheers to bruised egos and broken hearts

23

I do dirty things from a distance.

20

I may not be particularly clever but I'm really loud.

22

*wipes phone screen on boob

because it's you

13

maybe your dreams are just tired and need to rest a little bit

20

I like things that look like mistakes

23

My cat killed a bird the other day and now I need to get her a teardrop tattoo under her eye.

17

All I want for Christmas is a 1960s airline pilot travelling with a suitcase full of cocaine.

13

I could swallow the universe but still feel empty.

16

Calm down mad museum man.
I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

23

fuck it
but fuck it real' good

18

I'm cold.
I need someone to strangle me.

15

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty"

- me, drunk, about to get bitten by a raccoon

23

LET'S JUST SCREAM AT EACH OTHER.

- Birds, flirting

20

I used to read on the train. Now I just close my eyes and fart a lot.

19

Each cigarette you smoke gets you five minutes closer to never having to pay off your student loans.

22

I don't have to drink to wake up with a hangover.

18

Don't you touch me.

I'm evidence.

18

My spirit animal is that pierced rat living in the two star highway motel.

22

It's not gonna drink itself.

20

The group therapy was going pretty well until someone noticed I had my tits out.

19

Save your tears for somebody who deserves it.

22

OUR COMFORT ZONE IS OUR PRISON

19

Sorry I quoted Top Gun during sex with you.

22

My favorite color is knives

13

It feels so wrong. Please continue.

19

My titties are natural and so are
my disasters.

20

What doesn't kill me better start fucking me on the kitchen table.

19

*Walks outside*

Outside:
"I have a girlfriend."

16

He sent a text so confusing,
I burned his house down, just in case...

22

19

I got my mum's sense of humor and my dad's boobs.

22

To make a long story short,

shut up.

22

I start to miss my home planet.

20

My pubes are on fire.

18

My sadness wants to make love to your insanity.

22

And mother nature said:

"Let them grow beards instead of brains."

17

Is it rude
if I want to wear my head phones during
sex?

23

Can't.

Too busy with meltdowns.

18

I'm gonna
be the cutest drunk
in yoga class

22

I get a little sad around the holidays but also on any other occasion.

16

It's kind of cute how my doctor assumes that I want to live longer.

22

Always leave them wanting more.

20

Sorry, cant. I'm busy watching other peoples lives fall apart.

22

'Tout est magnifique' and other lies that sound better in French

18

Break your hand on my ass or get the fuck off.

21

I don't abuse alcohol.
I seduce and romance it.

21

The hardest thing about adopting an alien is explaining to him what men are for.

21

There are certain issues you simply can't not give a fuck about.

14

I'm mostly nice with a pinch of "go fuck yourself".

15

*growing a bush without a garden*

16

If at first you don't succeed, just get used to it.

20

Sorry mom. Turns out it's not just a phase.

17

What's the success rate of yodelling on a first date?

18

Unless you can cure my hangover with your dick, I'm not interested.

21

My girls night out is just me taking my bra off.

21

*Adds you to the menu.

14

I could talk to you every day forever, and I fucking hate talking.

21

I've got nothing.

Wanna trade?

15

I am a conaisseur of bad decisions and poor choices.

15

94% of my daily cardio is just me stirring my coffee.

19

Choose what makes your nipples hard

- Icecream

19

Guy in the bar: Why are you single?

Me: Just lucky I suppose.

20

I'm just like one of your dudes but better because vagina.

20

Imagine not having to be a fake piece of shit on the internet or real life dot com.

14

*felt a feeling but now it's gone*

15

Well don't you just look like my next bad decision begging to happen..

"Hi"

21

I'm not living up to my sinning potential as of late.

17

I'm a goddamn ray of fucking sunshine.

18

Why would I ever need to deal with my feelings when grilled cheese exists?

14

Let's all take a moment to be thankful that I don't own a taser.

21

I speak fluent regrets.

16

hats off to your cuntness

17

Let's waste 2016 staring at our phones.

19

Tell your Dad to Snapchat me.

14

You went to Princeton?
Cool, I love Disney movies.

18

Let me regret you, one more time.

17

Maybe I'm trying to relax in the tub. Maybe I'm waiting for the toaster to join in. Hard to say.

20

The bigger
the ego
the smaller
it is.

16

Stay true to yourself under any circumstances.

20

If I ever get married, I'm gonna refer to my spouse as my "first husband," even in front of him, so he's clear on where we stand.

17

being

balanced

I almost miss that

18

Sanity and I never got along.

18

Let's lay in a pile of warm laundry and masturbate

20

Most of my favorite people are cats.

16

*in a open relationship with morals

18

Screaming for no reason is an effective way of making sure your colleagues avoid you.

18

I still can't believe people keep inviting me to things.

20

The best thing about finding true love is ruining it with your personality.

20

"Sorry I couldn't donate to your crowdfunding campaign, I'm like sooo broke."

Sent from my Apple Watch

18

The doctor says I need to drink more wine.
On a related note, I'm calling myself "the doctor" now.

20

I'm filled with hate
but in a cute, productive way.

20

17

I suck as a housewife

...and I'm pretty good at it.

17

I don't often go on dates but when I do, I have some guacamole on my forehead.

16

If you can't handle me at my ugly sweatpants, you don't deserve me with my ugly sweatpants on the floor.

18

Don't trust the horny

16

... because she has never been in love.

20

I'll do a lot of dirty things, but I won't touch your baby.

20

I'd hate being a zombie because fuck walking all day.

19

According to a "very smart scientist" I met on the internet, the best antidote is a blowjob.

14

Flying to China to meet my battery powered boyfriend's parents.

17

Don't take me home until I'm drunk.

17

I'm just looking for someone to turn my eggs from scrambled to sunny side up.

19

Good and Evil are just words,
until given life through action.

19

I'm sorry I disappeared for two years.

I was doing my laundry.

17

Isn't it romantic when he holds you like a
six-pack?

19

*whispers to an avocado

"I'm the good kind of fat, too."

19

Show me the candy before I get in the van.

19

It's all fun and games till the alcohol wears off.

18

You look like a guy I'd love to regret
the next morning...

19

Sorry, I can't I'm busy feeding my morals to the gods.

19

Him: I love the way your mind works.

Me: Omg, you think my mind works?!

18

Shuffle an ice cube up your rectum...

That's how cold my heart is.

17

Merry Christmas, everyone looking at their phones right now.

11

Baby you are a beam of light

19

Can't wait to eat bat soup again.

11

I'm 70% water and 30% sunsets.

15

even a white rose

has a back shadow

19

2020 is still better than my last boyfriend.

16

If she's not a crazy bitch, you're probably dating a dude.

19

She's only a good girl if you don't know what you're doing.

19

Wine is the sex you don't have to shave your legs for.

18

I have my faults
but odds are
you won't feel them while I'm fucking you.

19

"You won't feel a thing," said the dentist, perfectly describing my emotional state for the past 15 years.

19

I'm the fun drunk in yoga class.

13

People are worth the truth

19

Not to brag, but I haven't had a mood swing in, like, 7 minutes.

19

my sexual orientation is biscuit

14

I'm not much into religion but I praise grilled cheese on a regular basis.

18

If you see my tentacles...

...it's already too late.

19

I love you for medicinal purposes and maybe more.

19

Tacos are my favorite emotion.

18

I was worse in the 90ies.

14

I'm one shower away from having my life together.

16

sad is the new cute

17

Ugh, I had a terrible dream that I give bad blowjobs.

16

Here's the thing though, fuck you.

-life

13

I can play the fuck out of the flute

19

Fuck nudes.

Tell me about the lasagna you had last night.

15

Charm or chloroform...either way, you're coming home with me.

15

The results are in, I won't be running out of stupid things to say anytime soon.

18

I may be self-centered but I still make time to judge others.

14

It's more important to be right than to be thin.

16

I'm not like other girls I'm much worse.

14

Men who wear fitbits, please don't.

16

in case you happen to meet my cat, don't forget to kneel and pledge your life to her

12

The toaster is asking to have a bath with me.

18

Let's do some naked poetry.

18

sleep tight fuckers

I love you

13

None of this is real, right?

16

I'm pretty sure Mommy made love with a bat.

11

You had me at Bourbon.

18

Ever look at a couple and think, "Awwwww. They're never gonna make it."

18

You win some, you chain some to railway tracks.

18

Make sure you get 8 hours of coffee per day

18

Namast'ay in bed.

16

You better have the fucking decency to fall in love with me.

18

I'm so sorry, but I have to go. I miss the internet.

18

I swollowed the sun so you feel warm when you kiss my ass

15

I'm terrible at sexting I just say OK a lot.

16

Feeling cute, might tell you to fuck off...
but in a nice way.

17

*brings a bottle of vodka and a samurai sword to your baby shower

18

slurps vodka like feelings

17

No officer, I haven't seen your bike. The only cycling I do is menstrual.

18

Give me a reason to pull the shades down low.

14

Put your warm hands where I can feel them.

15

Sorry I told you the truth when I was drunk. I'll lie to you again in the morning.

18

I'm not drunk. I'm a port. I mean poet. Fuck sake.

18

If you don't wake up regretting, did you even dream of me?

16

You may not be wrong...

but my tits say I'm right.

18

WHERE ARE YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT TUPPERWARE LID

18

I want four paws and a tail.

11

If you find me please return me back to the crowd.

11

The lady on the bus in front of me has either emotional support bees or a vibrator up her private parts. It can't be a mobile, no, don't ruin it.

15

Blah blah blah some inspirational bullshit about living your dream blah blah I'm drunk

13

Demons are a girl's best friend.

17

My signature move is called

"pale corpse with nice tits".

16

You seemed distant when I handcuffed you to the radiator...

14

Panic is the new cardio

15

future feels like a problem

14

I got new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside with a glass of wine and a cigarette.

17

I enjoy staring into the night sky. Mainly because there's less people out there.

17

I like my men just fucked up enough to love me.

17

So it's tomorrow,
What time will the white light come?
The apocalypse.

17

Which Satan are you voting for in November?

16

I put the fun into disfunctional member of society

14

I hope the alien invaders enjoy my margaritas.

17

*at Starbucks

"A large cup of something in between coffee and cocaine to go, please."

17

I thought I shaved my legs, now I'm not sure it were actually mine.

17

I feel like replacing the people in my life with playlists.

14

Shit, showered and got my bra on.

17

I don't give a flying fuck about thigh gaps. Tell me when soul gaps become a thing.

17

The sun was shining brightly, so I turned my back at her.

17

*cross-training with strudel and a corndog

14

Guess who invited the local motorcycle gang to yoga class.

14

Only a good friend will tell you when your outfit doesn't match your voice.

16

"You are what you eat", they say.

*orders extra virgin olive oil

17

Bring your suitcase full of nothing.

17

15

It's like I'm the only drunk playing the air violin at funerals.

16

I ran out of hair curlers so I had to use hot dogs instead. Not sure why I'm still single.

17

Nothing more humiliating than buying only cat
food and a cucumber.

17

"Shall we move this to the bedroom?"

- Me, to Oreos

17

My cat taught me that the secret to success is the tactful manipulation of people.

14

*stabs heart

"You alive, duh?"

17

Today's lunch consisted of 2 cigarettes,
black coffee and unlimited distain for humanity. Yummy.

17

*would do some pretty fucked up shit for some mac and cheese right now

16

I plan to initiate a clinical trial, where I sit on Ryan Reynolds face until we find a vaccine.

14

I obviously know how to balance a beer can on my belly, Mr Yoga Teacher.

10

Get me my flamethrower,
I don't shovel snow.

13

* in a fistfight with a bag of marshmallows

16

*Tries to put phone charger in the hole, in the dark

I get it guys, I get it....

17

*puts on her wings of hope

16

you can shoot the messenger but you cant kill the question

17

Blah Blah Blah will tear us apart.

17

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