PennyLame's Posts

The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed

siouxz, Peter222, Sennexd, HeartOnFire, Sjoh, Fionacatherine, Ziya, eulekauzig, TimBuktu, JMBis and 2 others like this

reposted by buzzielizzy, Ziya, Hannah69 and Sennexd

Stop farting on me.

- Horses

eulekauzig, CurrentNobody, AndSheCame and Ziya like this

"Now it's your turd."

- Dogs

#park, #dogwhisperer

CurrentNobody and sudeshnarocks like this

reposted by siouxz

Does your child have Covid-19 or the flute?

#unhealthy, #sounds

schnudelhupf, CurrentNobody and sudeshnarocks like this

I can't work as badly as I'm getting paid.

#paycheck, #shitshow, #female, #privilegee

schnudelhupf, Juli7, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks, AndSheCame and JMBis like this

I'm not that good at being myself.

#myproblem

NowaveFootSwag, Selinzoe, PublicScratch, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks, PennyLame, eulekauzig, Fionacatherine, Campo, Sharath_Srini and 10 others like this

reposted by Campo and Boldomatic

Country roads, take me hombre.

NowaveFootSwag, Sledge, JMBis, TimBuktu, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and... and eulekauzig like this

Fuck nudes.

Tell me about the lasagna you had last night.

#kitchen

NowaveFootSwag, buzzielizzy, damon.lindsay2, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody, schnudelhupf, harlequina, BoldDelight, prubton, TimBuktu and 5 others like this

reposted by BoldDelight

If you can't explain it, poke it with a stick.

#science

CandyPatient, NowaveFootSwag, buzzielizzy, Campo, Sherry89, prubton, petegutz2, ODBJD, Fionacatherine, karlokoenig and 7 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig and FightClub

You strike me as closed casket material.

#flirting, #mood

fuzuku, buzzielizzy, Campo, prubton, petegutz2, TimBuktu, Sledge, AndSheCame, blackboxmagic, Ziya and 2 others like this

I have a headache, probably because I just can't get enough.

prubton, petegutz2, TimBuktu, Sledge, AndSheCame, Ziya and sudeshnarocks like this

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. And I keep thinking nothing has changed ever since.

#survive

prubton, petegutz2, TimBuktu, Sledge, AndSheCame, Ziya and sudeshnarocks like this

In my humble opinion, this meaning of life can go fuck itself.

#humble

fuzuku, sirskitten1, cybersont, Andromenadda, roosterbear, locupleto, karlokoenig, shankarrkn, Campo, EmilyHeller and 18 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic and Campo

So apparently they don't sell Jurrassic Park on VHS at the Farmers' Market. What a waste of time.

#asparagus, #gugus

sirskitten1, prubton, buzzielizzy, CountVlad, Orkid, iam_diran, TimBuktu, eulekauzig, CurrentNobody, UserOne and 2 others like this

Thinking about all the lonely werewolves again...

#meow

sirskitten1, prubton, Ziya, iam_diran, TimBuktu, CurrentNobody, UserOne, Sirskitten, Fionacatherine, petegutz2 and 1 other like this

Let's decompose together.

#organic

fuzuku, sirskitten1, prubton, Campo, adrianac, eulekauzig, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, TimBuktu, AndSheCame and 3 others like this

For Mother's Day I'll make us a beautiful plate of cookies and serve them with Jägerbombs.

#mother

sirskitten1, prubton, adrianac, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, CurrentNobody and satan like this

"but what if I'm wrong"

is my thing

#waiting

fuzuku, prubton, JMBis, bold, Juli7, sudeshnarocks, UserOne, TimBuktu, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody and 2 others like this

future feels like a problem

#waiting

fuzuku, sirskitten1, prubton, busylizzie1, heidierdbeer, BoldDelight, sudeshnarocks, Campo, UserOne, JMBis and 4 others like this

reposted by BoldDelight and MissInk

It's not gonna drink itself.

#waiting, #dont

fuzuku, prubton, bold, atheist, Textli, Juli7, perellano, sudeshnarocks, eulekauzig, Campo and 10 others like this

I feel like replacing the people in my life with playlists.

prubton, CountVlad, Fionacatherine, timmer, Ziya, KlausJelsa, UserOne, TimBuktu, AndSheCame, JMBis and 4 others like this

People are the Worcestershire.

#onlytogether

fuzuku, sirskitten1, bold, busylizzie1, UserOne, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and..., Ziya and sheeza like this

*cross-training with strudel and a corndog

HeartOnFire, JodieT, TimBuktu, UserOne, Fionacatherine, sirskitten1, CurrentNobody, Campo, AndSheCame, prubton and 4 others like this

If you could have lunch with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be and why?

TimBuktu, arxvis, prubton, BoldDelight, sirskitten1 and Ziya like this

reposted by sirskitten1

I put the fun into disfunctional member of society

#undead

Campo, Adnanhaj, BoldDelight, TimBuktu, karlokoenig, UserOne, prubton, CurrentNobody, fuzuku, eulekauzig and 4 others like this

Dance like your
vagina is on fire

Reposted from Fionacatherine

#buzzing

sirskitten1, BoldDelight, UserOne, prubton, CurrentNobody, arxvis, Ziya and eulekauzig like this

It's more important to be right than to be thin.

#internet, #british, #comedian, #sarah, #something

fuzuku, sudeshnarocks, UserOne, Juli7, AndSheCame, TimBuktu, CurrentNobody, petegutz2, busylizzie1, Campo and 6 others like this

My anxiety is top-notch.

I can regret the past and fear the future at the same time.

#anxiety, #level, #pro

kalisha, prubton, JMBis, niemo, EmilyHeller, JulieanneS, Stig300, locupleto, DominicLomax, karlokoenig and 19 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic and Hannah69

*felt a feeling but now it's gone*

#fire

Fionacatherine, prubton, ukii, Campo, PennyLame, HeartOnFire, sudeshnarocks, BoldDelight, mad_bad_and..., UserOne and 5 others like this

reposted by Mathilda and prubton

I may be self-centered but I still make time to judge others.

prubton, JMBis, ritacg, Fionacatherine, sudeshnarocks, BoldDelight, Andromenadda, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, TimBuktu and 4 others like this

maybe your dreams are just tired and need to rest a little bit

#dream, #on, #baby

prubton, ukii, HeartOnFire, Sharath_Srini, swatchUSA, eulekauzig, keriositi, somario, Juli7, AndSheCame and 10 others like this

reposted by DarkBlack

Shitshow

Level 2020

#2020

prubton, petegutz2, LGAC, HeartOnFire, sudeshnarocks, karlokoenig, UserOne, CurrentNobody and DominicLomax like this

*roller skates into a dumpster

sirskitten1, prubton, NowaveFootSwag, HeartOnFire, mad_bad_and..., karlokoenig, DominicLomax, Ziya and busylizzie like this

reposted by sirskitten1

Why can't the consequences of my bad decisions be a little less permanent?

#little

sirskitten1, prubton, Sherry89, HeartOnFire, swatchUSA, Juli7, Pesca, Fionacatherine, eulekauzig, BoldDelight and 8 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig, eulekauzig and prubton

I would show you a video of me eating chicken wings, but I don't want you to fall in love with me.

#duckface, #menace, #dirty

Sherry89, HeartOnFire, EngiNerd, Juli7, Fionacatherine, bold, BoldDelight, mad_bad_and..., DominicLomax, AndSheCame and 3 others like this

This zen cannot be fucked with

#zen

Jdemo, NowaveFootSwag, AyWeiWei, HeartOnFire, bold, UserOne, roosterbear, SlickMemes, CurrentNobody, Ziya and 4 others like this

reposted by sudeshnarocks and SlickMemes

fuck your positive attitude
that's so 2019

#drama

HeartOnFire, Stig300, swatchUSA, perellano, Juli7, busylizzie, eulekauzig, Fionacatherine, bold, BoldDelight and 12 others like this

reposted by TimBuktu, wookie and FightClub

My tits are vibrating at the frequency of the radio.

#stop, #nojoke

HeartOnFire, MonoGate, NowaveFootSwag, Campo, busylizzie, UserOne, Fionacatherine, mad_bad_and..., techor, CurrentNobody and 5 others like this

Meeting some guy under a bridge for a hug.

#evening, #plans

sirskitten1, HeartOnFire, Fionacatherine, UserOne, mad_bad_and..., techor, CurrentNobody, Ziya, AndSheCame and bold like this

My favorite color is knives

#Dating, #Profile

eulekauzig, JMBis, pipp, HeartOnFire, CountVlad, roosterbear, gnomalab, mad_bad_and..., TimBuktu, CurrentNobody and 3 others like this

reposted by DarkBlack and TimBuktu

The average male penis is one unwanted picture long.

#weird

Drakonan, johnivangud, Authlander, busylizzie, MonoGate, HeartOnFire, Campo, MarcellaA, JulieanneS, BoldDelight and 18 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic and molka09

Me: *blows guy*
Nose: *gets jealous*
Me: *starts crying*
Guy: That was fun.

#weird

mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody, ZeepBella, Sasquatchprime, IAmNerdWord7, kenwats and Ziya like this

I am a conaisseur of bad decisions and poor choices.

#fact

sirskitten1, JMBis, HeartOnFire, Stig300, PublicScratch, Campo, Fionacatherine, karlokoenig, kenwats, CurrentNobody and 5 others like this

reposted by TimBuktu

I would ask my therapist for life advice but cats don't talk.

#therapist, #cat, #therapy

sirskitten1, TimBuktu, JMBis, NowaveFootSwag, HeartOnFire, sudeshnarocks, MyM, eulekauzig and Ziya like this

When I said I wanted the D,
I meant duct tape.

#Duct, #Tape, #Dickface

NowaveFootSwag, HeartOnFire, eulekauzig, TimBuktu, Demetrius, CurrentNobody, Ziya, Fionacatherine, busylizzie and mad_bad_and... like this

My cat killed a bird the other day and now I need to get her a teardrop tattoo under her eye.

#internet, #stolen, #credit, #catpolice

HeartOnFire, petegutz2, timothy21, iam_diran, Demetrius, UserOne, Campo, TimBuktu, Cat-like, Fionacatherine and 7 others like this

reposted by Campo and uglyteen

2020 is still better than my last boyfriend.

#low, #standards, #relationshit

sirskitten1, HeartOnFire, memorize, vytbaybe, Luca.Cheers, BoldDelight, UserOne, Sasquatchprime, Fionacatherine, mad_bad_and... and 6 others like this

reposted by invalid

I suck as a housewife

...and I'm pretty good at it.

#nofilter

sirskitten1, JMBis, HeartOnFire, rjae21, ErikSmit, WaveBaby, bold, BoldDelight, TimBuktu, fuzuku and 7 others like this

If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me

Reposted from Sasquatchprime

#plo

soso_secret, rjae21, somekindofme, Ziya, CurrentNobody, eulekauzig, mad_bad_and..., busylizzie, EngiNerd and schnudelhupf like this

Fly me to the moon. So I can show him my tits.

#nofilter

eboy, TimBuktu, HeartOnFire, Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody, petegutz2, mad_bad_and..., MonoGate, busylizzie, Ziya and 1 other like this

My cat taught me that the secret to success is the tactful manipulation of people.

#cat, #lesson

rjae21, EngiNerd, Fionacatherine, karlokoenig, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and..., AndSheCame, Cat-like, TimBuktu, sudeshnarocks and 4 others like this

my sexual orientation is biscuit

#cookies, #cake

MonoGate, bold, busylizzie, BedroomTheory, EngiNerd, BoldDelight, damon.lindsay2, TimBuktu, mad_bad_and..., timothy21 and 4 others like this

reposted by flolow

I don't hate anyone except that one guy who invented cottage cheese.

#cottage, #cheese, #hellmade, #dirtballs

Lark, TimBuktu, petegutz2, JodieT, Ziya, schnudelhupf, kenwats and mad_bad_and... like this

*Going rollerblading with the mob.*

#Karen, #Riots

Lark, petegutz2, JodieT, mad_bad_and..., schnudelhupf and UserOne like this

Sorry mom. Turns out it's not just a phase.

HeartOnFire, Sharath_Srini, MonoGate, satan, EngiNerd, damon.lindsay2, SavingsRich, JodieT, Cat-like, ThemeSubject and 7 others like this

I plan to initiate a clinical trial, where I sit on Ryan Reynolds face until we find a vaccine.

#DrRyan, #Covid, #ClinicalTrial

busylizzie, EngiNerd, petegutz2, UserOne, ThemeSubject, BoldDelight, TimBuktu, mad_bad_and..., AndSheCame, Lark and 4 others like this

My signature move is called

"pale corpse with nice tits".

#welcome

schnudelhupf, pipp, petegutz2, EngiNerd, UserOne, ThemeSubject, eboy, Lichtwaechter, AndSheCame, TimBuktu and 6 others like this

I do dirty things from a distance.

#naughty, #distant, #bananas

NowaveFootSwag, MonoGate, bold, bisdenndann, eboy, Campo, damon.lindsay2, TimBuktu, CurrentNobody, GaylrdSprFckr and 10 others like this

Yes, I'm thinking about touching things with my tongue right now.

#places, #Doorknobs

NowaveFootSwag, perellano, eboy, Juli7, TimBuktu, CurrentNobody, Ziya, mad_bad_and..., schnudelhupf, sudeshnarocks and 1 other like this

*growing a bush without a garden*

#flur, #fanny, #neighbour, #cute, #sasquatch

juliettebravo, RulesOfLife, busylizzie, HeartOnFire, bold, MonoGate, MyM, EngiNerd, BoldDelight, UserOne and 6 others like this

reposted by monsieur

Wine is the hand sanitizer for the soul.

#Covid-19

Sherry89, UserOne, HeartOnFire, EngiNerd, Luca.Cheers, MonoGate, OpenWorld, octothorpe, chipdicks, swatchUSA and 15 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, FightClub, TheSadOne, Dimperella and CurrentNobody

According to a "very smart scientist" I met on the internet, the best antidote is a blowjob.

#medicine, #therapy

EngiNerd, timothy21, petegutz2, RoundCoffee, Campo, bold, Adwanker, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks, TimBuktu and 4 others like this

reposted by TimBuktu

Can't wait to eat bat soup again.

blacknote, EngiNerd, shespeaks94, perellano, TimBuktu, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, CurrentNobody, PennyLame and 1 other like this

reposted by Ziya and Hannah69

Which wine pairs well with virus?

HeartOnFire, EngiNerd, tide, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, CurrentNobody, Ziya and eulekauzig like this

reposted by CurrentNobody

I'm going to miss the handshake after sex.

Sherry89, EngiNerd, karlokoenig, roosterbear, tide, Campo, perellano, GaylrdSprFckr, bold, TimBuktu and 9 others like this

reposted by Ziya, Campo and Juli7

good girl alert

HeartOnFire, EngiNerd, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, CurrentNobody and eulekauzig like this

Finally.

An excuse to yell at everyone to stay the fuck away from me.

#always, #nice

reg1907, HeartOnFire, EngiNerd, PennyLame, Mithrasree, ritacg, locupleto, petegutz2, AaronKharbanda, BoldDelight and 22 others like this

reposted by Ziya, UserOne, Campo, FrozenNodak and invalid

The coronavirus is worse than some of our government.

EngiNerd, eboy, techor, Campo, petegutz2, IAmNerdWord, busylizzie, sudeshnarocks, UserOne, mad_bad_and... and 2 others like this

Don't trust the horny

#warning

havelasquez, MyM, eboy, techor, Campo, petegutz2, IAmNerdWord, eulekauzig, busylizzie, sudeshnarocks and 6 others like this

If you don't wake up regretting, did you even dream of me?

EngiNerd, DominicLomax, NowaveFootSwag, HeartOnFire, eulekauzig, bold, TimBuktu, Juli7, sudeshnarocks, karlokoenig and 6 others like this

Listen to Metallica and chill?

#roses

HeartOnFire, eulekauzig, TimBuktu, SiriLovesAlexa, streetmedic, sudeshnarocks, karlokoenig, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody, Sasquatchprime and 1 other like this

We're all idiots but you win.

#idiot, #race, #show, #bananas, #winner

MatterMoment, EngiNerd, MarcellaA, Campo, petegutz2, HeartOnFire, karlokoenig, swatchUSA, Drakonan, rjae21 and 21 others like this

reposted by Sasquatchprime, sudeshnarocks and Boldomatic

Let me regret you, one more time.

#just, #once, #again

EngiNerd, HeartOnFire, BeingConsist, eulekauzig, bold, Juli7, BoldDelight, sudeshnarocks, karlokoenig, mad_bad_and... and 7 others like this

reposted by rachelkisses

Imagine not having to be a fake piece of shit on the internet or real life dot com.

#amen, #cunt, #attitude

EngiNerd, Floki, HeartOnFire, UserOne, bold, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., Authlander, Fionacatherine, DominicLomax and 4 others like this

reposted by DominicLomax and DarkBlack

Men who wear fitbits, please don't.

#off

EngiNerd, bold, busylizzie, Campo, perellano, eulekauzig, Textli, UserOne, karlokoenig, timothy21 and 6 others like this

Always leave them wanting more.

#science

EngiNerd, Convo_Ray, Floki, sarcaSM, timothy21, MyM, TimBuktu, MonoGate, UserOne, kenwats and 10 others like this

You don't need to attend anatomy class to know that my elbows are orgasmic.

#anatomy, #elbows, #arrrw

EngiNerd, MonoGate, Fionacatherine, sudeshnarocks, techor, TimBuktu, Campo, UserOne, kenwats, CurrentNobody and 1 other like this

And mother nature said:

"Let them grow beards instead of brains."

#beard

blacknote, EngiNerd, Campo, petegutz2, satan, Fionacatherine, Stig300, swatchUSA, Juli7, UserOne and 7 others like this

reposted by rachelkisses and siouxz

Don't you touch me.

I'm evidence.

EngiNerd, HeartOnFire, karlokoenig, satan, chipdicks, bold, Campo, Fionacatherine, iam_diran, MonoGate and 8 others like this

reposted by Soutruk

Stop having fun when I'm not here. Remember all the bad stuff happening in the world, plus we're all going to die.

LOL

#girlsnight, #cant

EngiNerd, bold, Fionacatherine, iam_diran, BoldDelight, JodieT, mad_bad_and..., kenwats, UserOne, CurrentNobody and 1 other like this

*might go to the petshop and get myself an electric eel

#itislike, #spirit, #animal

techor, Fionacatherine, crftmgk, UserOne, GaylrdSprFckr, Ziya, TimBuktu, mad_bad_and... and CurrentNobody like this

I run a tight shipwreck.

@miss_propriety, #Twitter, #rt

techor, Fionacatherine, HeartOnFire, pipp, jadeeastman, AndSheCame, UserOne, GaylrdSprFckr, Ziya, TimBuktu and 4 others like this

reposted by invalid

There's not enough kissing in yoga class

#kisses

techor, karlokoenig, crftmgk, UserOne, GaylrdSprFckr, Ziya, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody, OriginalDirt and PennyLame like this

reposted by monsieur

My mind is a prison, but my cellmate is pretty cool.

Reposted from anonymous

#loveThis, #plo

techor, MonoGate, cdruet, karlokoenig, UserOne, GaylrdSprFckr, swatchUSA, Ziya, TimBuktu, mad_bad_and... and 2 others like this

Every time the sun comes up, I'm in trouble.

#Sharon, #Van, #Etten, #song, #lyrics

eulekauzig, Fionacatherine, petegutz2, AndSheCame, UserOne, karlokoenig, IAmNerdWord, CurrentNobody, Ziya and mad_bad_and... like this

My pubes are on fire.

#sexting

IAmNerdWord, HeartOnFire, Campo, busylizzie, petegutz2, TimBuktu, eboy, UserOne, AndSheCame, techor and 8 others like this

reposted by davidm and invalid

sleep tight fuckers

I love you

EngiNerd, eulekauzig, streetmedic, bold, HeartOnFire, Sasquatchprime, TimBuktu, karlokoenig, mad_bad_and..., kenwats and 3 others like this

reposted by MissInk

Better get to bed early tonight. I have a long day of being mad at people tomorrow.

#sleep, #tight, #fuckers

eulekauzig, streetmedic, bold, HeartOnFire, TimBuktu, karlokoenig, mad_bad_and..., BoldDelight, Fionacatherine, kenwats and 4 others like this

*pointing a gun at 2020

#lucky, #charme

busylizzie, Campo, eulekauzig, HeartOnFire, MyM, swatchUSA, Authlander, Boldomatic, bold, Sasquatchprime and 7 others like this

reposted by Sasquatchprime, Boldomatic and Campo

I get super emotional around buffets.

mangoe, TimBuktu, IAmNerdWord, AndSheCame, kenwats, UserOne, techor, sarcaSM, mad_bad_and..., Ziya and 3 others like this

After a long day of day drinking, I like to settle down with a good glass of wine in the evening.

#Christmas, #spirit

TimBuktu, IAmNerdWord, techor, kenwats, UserOne, sarcaSM, mad_bad_and..., Fionacatherine, Ziya and CurrentNobody like this

I'm working on a photo book, the cover motif is my cat's anus.

#welcome, #lucky, #shot

iam_diran, TimBuktu, IAmNerdWord, kenwats, techor, mad_bad_and..., Fionacatherine, Ziya, CurrentNobody and karlokoenig like this

All I want for Christmas is a 1960s airline pilot travelling with a suitcase full of cocaine.

#Xmas, #humble, #wishes

busylizzie, petegutz2, karlokoenig, driver_bwl, kenwats, Lichtwaechter, TimBuktu, Campo, Fionacatherine, IAmNerdWord and 3 others like this

reposted by Campo

Give me a reason to pull the shades down low.

#sexytime

timmer, eulekauzig, HeartOnFire, Boldomatic, Lichtwaechter, Campo, BoldDelight, techor, AndSheCame, Fionacatherine and 4 others like this

reposted by DarkBlack

*whispers

"How bad is my garlic breath?"

into stranger's ear

#flirting

timmer, HeartOnFire, karlokoenig, techor, Fionacatherine, PueppiRazza, UserOne, CurrentNobody and mad_bad_and... like this

Dinner is ready but I can't get the cork off it.

juliettebravo, eulekauzig, HeartOnFire, Sherry89, Campo, TimBuktu, BoldDelight, techor, Fionacatherine, UserOne and 3 others like this

I am nothing more than an empty shell of a beautiful monster

Reposted from Ziya

#plo, #bestest

eulekauzig, Boldomatic, karlokoenig, techor, Fionacatherine, UserOne, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and... and bold like this

And on some days...

I feel like that little pile of leftover pickled ginger on every sushi platter ever served.

#24hours

eulekauzig, DamageContest, Lichtwaechter, Fionacatherine, UserOne, mad_bad_and..., Ziya and CurrentNobody like this

Every once in a while I have a moment of sanity then we laugh and laugh until it passes.

DamageContest, eulekauzig, HeartOnFire, Campo, Fionacatherine, Boldomatic, techor, UserOne, CurrentNobody, AndSheCame and 1 other like this

The lady on the bus in front of me has either emotional support bees or a vibrator up her private parts. It can't be a mobile, no, don't ruin it.

eulekauzig, HeartOnFire, Juli7, CurrentNobody, iam_diran, techor, Ziya, Campo, Fionacatherine, UserOne and 5 others like this

reposted by Hannah69

It feels so wrong. Please continue.

lobster, perellano, bold, Campo, BRRS, PublicScratch, Lichtwaechter, karlokoenig, wortwurster, BoldDelight and 9 others like this

wanna play doctor?

eulekauzig, wortwurster, mad_bad_and..., AndSheCame, Fionacatherine, sarcaSM, karlokoenig and CurrentNobody like this

I'm cold.
I need someone to strangle me.

#sexy, #snuggles

bold, Ziya, mad_bad_and..., IAmNerdWord, UserOne, Campo, niemo, JodieT, techor, iam_diran and 5 others like this

reposted by monsieur and itsme.

All I care about are cats and coitus.

#true, #purpose

techor, Campo, bold, UserOne, IAmNerdWord, satan and CurrentNobody like this

Isn't it cute, how you're always there when you need me.

#false, #friends

Hank-the-knife, JodieT, UserOne, perellano, thegerm22, HeartOnFire, Campo, Fionacatherine, bold, swatchUSA and 5 others like this

reposted by Ziya

Just checking in to see if you're all still sexy as fuck.

#loves

Fabriciuz, erikvisser, SINANDONMEZ, nipase, juliettebravo, kenwats, Boldomatic, bold, DoEpicShit, locupleto and 16 others like this

reposted by DoEpicShit and Boldomatic

I'm mostly nice with a pinch of "go fuck yourself".

#nice

busylizzie, timmer, Ziya, ErikSmit, Campo, HeartOnFire, bold, IAmNerdWord, karlokoenig, DominicLomax and 5 others like this

reposted by IAmNerdWord

... and then I remember I'm just a hot angry woman with an internet connection.

#angry

blacknote, shankarrkn, satan, busylizzie, UserOne, Fionacatherine, Ziya, schnudelhupf, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and... and 4 others like this

reposted by FrankTheTank

A Haunted House, but it's just me and the cat.

Lichtwaechter, HeartOnFire, UserOne, JodieT, BoldDelight, timothy21, CurrentNobody and eulekauzig like this

She's angry again.

Lichtwaechter, HeartOnFire, UserOne, JodieT, timothy21 and CurrentNobody like this

My uterus is the ultimate asshole magnet.

#csndtxnehzuxg

BG_r, Lichtwaechter, disagrea, BoldDelight, UserOne, JodieT, karlokoenig, timothy21 and CurrentNobody like this

The couch in my house is for the cat, not guests.

#remember, #always

BG_r, HeartOnFire, meohmy, timothy21, UserOne, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and..., MyM and eulekauzig like this

The only time I've ever slid my panties to the side was for a fart.

#CANTSTOP, #PLO, @FemmeEnFeu

DominicLomax, misterlab, comanzatara, meohmy, timothy21, UserOne, BoldDelight, CurrentNobody, MyM and AndSheCame like this

Am I the only one to bring a jar of mayonnaise to yoga class?

#igetit

timothy21, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks, UserOne and Ziya like this

The IT guy needed to access me remotely, and I'm kind of turned on.

#help, #remote, #switch, #button, #on, #pants, #down

gizmo2705, zetto, Floki, UserOne, BoldDelight, sudeshnarocks, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody, codytatman, AndSheCame and 3 others like this

hats off to your cuntness

#first, #impressions

Gioblack, sawei, busylizzie, techor, timothy21, HeartOnFire, Campo, tide, beccaatoosaucy, JodieT and 7 others like this

*Standing with the bold people of Hong Kong

#china, #democracy, #freedom

perellano, Lichtwaechter, CurrentNobody, eulekauzig, busylizzie, JodieT, timothy21, Campo, UserOne, swatchUSA and 3 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA and Campo

#French, #kiss

CurrentNobody, busylizzie, JodieT, timothy21, Campo, UserOne, mad_bad_and... and Ziya like this

I could swallow the universe but still feel empty.

#empty, #inside

HeartOnFire, tide, Lichtwaechter, CurrentNobody, Fionacatherine, busylizzie, JodieT, timothy21, karlokoenig, Campo and 6 others like this

reposted by CurrentNobody

*shakes pretty okay banana bread recipe*

#Dear, #Mama

HeartOnFire, Campo, UserOne, JodieT, techor and timothy21 like this

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes one free gentle kiss on the forehead coupon*

HeartOnFire, UserOne, JodieT, techor, Ziya, timothy21, AndSheCame and Fionacatherine like this

There are certain issues you simply can't not give a fuck about.

#amazon

HeartOnFire, iam_diran, NerdWord, bobbybuilder, Juli7, Andromenadda, UserOne, JodieT, techor, mad_bad_and... and 4 others like this

reposted by Hannah69 and CurrentNobody

*feeling cute and a little pervy

#Sunday, #Maze

Campo, JodieT, Lichtwaechter, eboy, ZeepBella, UserOne, Ziya, timothy21, Authlander, AndSheCame and 1 other like this

I'm a top-notch nightmare type of dream girl.

#sweerheart

UserOne, locupleto, timothy21, karlokoenig, kenwats, Ziya and CurrentNobody like this

Just a stranger here, wanting to punch everyone in the face...

techor, busylizzie, arxvis, Ziya, Liswhat, UserOne, Authlander and kenwats like this

I might kidnap the shrimp salad and leave this party.

techor, busylizzie, Ziya, Andromenadda, Fionacatherine, UserOne, kenwats and CurrentNobody like this

Congratulations.

Your fiancé has the charisma and sex appeal of a travel pillow found on a long-haul flight.

#instant, #nope

techor, busylizzie, Ziya, UserOne, kenwats and CurrentNobody like this

Weirdness is only real when shared.

#you, #welcome

codytatman, techor, karlokoenig, busylizzie, Ziya, Fionacatherine, UserOne, Authlander, AndSheCame, kenwats and 1 other like this

"What's going on over there?"

- My clit

#missed, #party

techor, Ziya, Fionacatherine, UserOne, AndSheCame, kenwats and CurrentNobody like this

"I want you inside me,"

I whispered to the buffet.

techor, busylizzie, Ziya, Andromenadda, UserOne, AndSheCame, kenwats, CurrentNobody and Campo like this

sad and horny. time to DM your wife on the internet.

ThemeSubject, techor, busylizzie, Ziya, UserOne, kenwats, Campo and CurrentNobody like this

Not to be political or whatever but look at those tits.

#icebreaker, #elite, #meetings, #falsefucks

techor, misterlab, busylizzie, Ziya, Andromenadda, UserOne, kenwats, Campo and CurrentNobody like this

When my innocent girly fart fabricates another red-eyed epidemic of disgust in yoga class...

#mostannoying, #whowasit, #innocence

techor, busylizzie, Ziya, UserOne, kenwats and CurrentNobody like this

*contemplating how I can make this more awkward

#talks, #family

sirskitten1, AttentionSail, techor, UserOne, Lichtwaechter, AndSheCame, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody, Ziya and 2 others like this

reposted by sirskitten1

The cat meows at me, "I know, I know" I whisper back soothingly, but I don't know. I don't know anything.

#readthis, #mademlaugh, #Icanrelate

Krisargent, TravelDexter, Stig300, tide, techor, Drakonan, nipase, timothy21, arxvis, Fionacatherine and 6 others like this

reposted by CurrentNobody, Hannah69 and TravelDexter

*currently busy but still sexy AF

Orkid, Fionacatherine, Campo, ThemeSubject, UserOne, Ziya, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and... and sarcaSM like this

Give me meatballs for breakfast

mad_bad_and..., techor, ZeepBella, Campo, DeanFlumiani, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, locupleto, sudeshnarocks, petegutz2 and 2 others like this

*plays air clitoris

#playing

Orkid, mad_bad_and..., techor, chipdicks, ZeepBella, ChrisRota, Fionacatherine, Campo, DeanFlumiani, Lichtwaechter and 6 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig

In the age of chimpanzees be a wine mom.

Lichtwaechter, UserOne, Liswhat, CurrentNobody, Ziya, ThemeSubject and NerdWord like this

C'mere French Fries, I'm gonna face fuck you so hard ...

DeanFlumiani, UserOne, CurrentNobody, Hodir, Ziya, NerdWord, karlokoenig and Liswhat like this

Please send me more mixed signals so I can practice getting my hopes up.

#seen

Orkid, DeanFlumiani, ThemeSubject, locupleto, mad_bad_and..., Fionacatherine, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks, Ziya and busylizzie like this

I want four paws and a tail.

#jealous

Sherry89, eulekauzig, mad_bad_and..., bold, AyWeiWei, karlokoenig, CurrentNobody, sudeshnarocks, Ziya, busylizzie and 1 other like this

reposted by busylizzie

Let's just say I may or may not carry around a bunch of firecrackers in my yoga pants...

Don't make this awkward.

#4thJuly, #Yogaclass

Ziya, UserOne, Fionacatherine, schnudelhupf, JodieT and CurrentNobody like this

More meds - because people

#ugghhh

UserOne, Fionacatherine, JodieT, AyWeiWei, CurrentNobody, AndSheCame and Ziya like this

I take pride in my cat's disinterest in people other than me.

#pride

eulekauzig, Campo, bold, UserOne, Fionacatherine, JodieT, AyWeiWei, CurrentNobody, Roel, Ziya and 2 others like this

I look for the good in people but I only find bones.

Liswhat, busylizzie, Fionacatherine, Ziya, mishu, Lichtwaechter, CurrentNobody, karlokoenig, UserOne, petegutz2 and 1 other like this

reposted by busylizzie and FrankTheTank

I came by your house ... you weren't there so I burned it down.

#pride

Ziya, Lichtwaechter, CurrentNobody, UserOne and mad_bad_and... like this

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was my bladder.

#DevilsTricks

buzzielizzy, Ziya, Fionacatherine, EmilyHeller, Authlander, MyM, JodieT, UserOne, petegutz2, CurrentNobody and 4 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic

I have a fitting goddess for each of my personalities

#goddess

eulekauzig, karlokoenig, Fionacatherine, MyM, CurrentNobody, Ziya, Campo, mad_bad_and... and UserOne like this

As it turns out, I look fabulous on surveillance videos.

#catchmeifyoucan

Liswhat, Ziya, Campo, Bettydent, Orkid, Waterdoggy, eulekauzig, eboy, Juli7, timmer and 11 others like this

reposted by timmer

No-one fucks with you when you bring a coffin to yoga class.

#lesson

Orkid, JodieT, mad_bad_and..., Lichtwaechter and CurrentNobody like this

I think about knitting a "fuck mice" headband for my cat.

#lesson, #Lesson, #Therapy, #Cat

Orkid, eulekauzig, UserOne, petegutz2, Sasquatchprime, mad_bad_and... and karlokoenig like this

My hormones are yodeling.

The vag is missing your tunes.

#come, #play

Orkid, timmer, fart, UserOne, petegutz2, Ziya, PublicScratch and mad_bad_and... like this

*back and worse than ever

#Me

AuroraFlash, Orkid, timmer, eulekauzig, UserOne, petegutz2, Ziya and mad_bad_and... like this

I once hid a Harvard Business Review in my birth canal to impress my new gynecologist.

#confession, #making, #friends

roosterbear, perellano, timothy21, Belieber1994, locupleto, Authlander, MyM, EmilyHeller, Campo, siouxz and 18 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic and siouxz

I'm the fun drunk in yoga class.

#confession

codytatman, timmer, Bettydent, Campo, blackboxmagic, UserOne, JodieT, Lichtwaechter, Fionacatherine, LineTrack and 3 others like this

reposted by Campo

Most men would fuck a potato if it had two legs.

#simple, #creatures

Orkid, Ziya, bmj, CurrentNobody, kenwats, GaylrdSprFckr, Lichtwaechter, mad_bad_and... and wookie like this

I spilled my tits on him, the boy is mine.

#spilling, #tits

Orkid, PublicScratch, Ziya, DominicLomax, kenwats, Lichtwaechter, mad_bad_and..., wookie and CurrentNobody like this

I bet your balls rot first.

#funeral, #goodbyes

Orkid, kenwats, Campo, karlokoenig, JodieT, Ziya, MyM, mehr, UserOne, mad_bad_and... and 3 others like this

I wish I could take back every sandwich I ever made for you.

#Sandwich, #lost

kenwats, moyoT, LineTrack, Sasquatchprime, UserOne, AndSheCame, CurrentNobody, fuzuku, mad_bad_and..., ZeepBella and 2 others like this

"I can be pleasant."

I say as I sew your mouth shut.

#fun, #times, #pleasant, #cunt

kenwats, Orkid, moyoT, Sasquatchprime, UserOne, CurrentNobody and mad_bad_and... like this

No,
YOU deal with my issues.

#issues, #handover

kenwats, lobster, Sasquatchprime, UserOne, petegutz2, Lichtwaechter, AndSheCame, moyoT, Ziya, mad_bad_and... and 1 other like this

Make me feel ouiiiiiiiiiiiii

#French, #bench

kenwats, Orkid, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and..., huzy, Fionacatherine, Ziya and bold like this

Feeling cute, might tell you to fuck off...
but in a nice way.

#FeelingCute

kenwats, NerdWord, ErikSmit, petegutz2, memorize, RulesOfLife, UserOne, Fionacatherine, Lichtwaechter, JodieT and 7 others like this

reposted by uglyteen

Feeling Monday, might orgasm

#FeelingCute

kenwats, bold, Ziya, memorize, RulesOfLife, UserOne, Lichtwaechter, JodieT, CurrentNobody, Krusa and 2 others like this

The art of doing the right amount of panic.

#panic, #art

kenwats, Fionacatherine, eulekauzig, Ziya, Campo, Drakonan, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, springfire, Sasquatchprime and 4 others like this

reposted by uglyteen

Feeling cute.

Might shout at everyone later, idk.

#cute

blacknote, kenwats, Ziya, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, timothy21, AndSheCame, ZeepBella, chipdicks and CurrentNobody like this

Whatever,
I'm cuntfident.

#confident, #bitch

kenwats, Fionacatherine, eulekauzig, cherniavskaa, Juli7, karlokoenig, mad_bad_and..., UserOne, Sasquatchprime, ZeepBella and 3 others like this

Holy shit it's gorgeous outside!

*Slowly closes the curtains

Orkid, Drakonan, jakester, UserOne, Fionacatherine, mad_bad_and..., Sasquatchprime, juliettebravo, kenwats, karlokoenig and 3 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig

We are all perverts. The lack of honesty won't make you a saint.

#NoShit

dr.nicilot3.0, Campo, ThemeSubject, NerdWord, busylizzie, UserOne, mad_bad_and..., Sasquatchprime, kenwats, perellano and 4 others like this

What doesn't kill me better start fucking me on the kitchen table.

#NoShit

MovieScript, siouxz, ErikSmit, NerdWord, busylizzie, CurrentNobody, bold, UserOne, Fionacatherine, mad_bad_and... and 9 others like this

The best kind of addictions are the ones that involve bathrobes.

#NoShit

mzh, Orkid, busylizzie, UserOne, mad_bad_and..., kenwats, eulekauzig, karlokoenig, Krusa, Ziya and 1 other like this

Guess who invited the local motorcycle gang to yoga class.

#proud, #yoga, #western, #parade

Fionacatherine, bold, bmj, eulekauzig, Lichtwaechter, JodieT, Sasquatchprime, karlokoenig, mad_bad_and..., timothy21 and 4 others like this

Put your warm hands where I can feel them.

eulekauzig, crafty, Lichtwaechter, revolte42, dannyzee, sudeshnarocks, JodieT, ZeepBella, SmartGhost, Fionacatherine and 5 others like this

assholes are bad for your lipstick

#backside, #karma

MagicMattes, EmilyHeller, Fionacatherine, OnlineGuy, JulieanneS, Drakonan, Floki, busylizzie, Boldomatic, petegutz2 and 15 others like this

reposted by mediadeo, Boldomatic and BG_r

My period playlist is called

"The end of the world"

#period

Orkid, Fionacatherine, bold, eulekauzig, UserOne, MyM, crafty, JodieT, dannyzee, mad_bad_and... and 2 others like this

Give me the good goddamns.

#hard, #stuff

bold, AyWeiWei, Lichtwaechter, eulekauzig, JodieT, mad_bad_and..., chipdicks, arxvis, CurrentNobody and AndSheCame like this

I look at the world..
and my butt hurts.

#climate

Lichtwaechter, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., Ziya and CurrentNobody like this

is it déjà
666?

#climate

Lichtwaechter, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody and Campo like this

nothing wrong with this planet
but us people

#climate

springfire, karlokoenig, swatchUSA, petegutz2, Ziya, bold, PublicScratch, phuamaxx, Lichtwaechter, timothy21 and 5 others like this

reposted by PublicScratch, FightClub and karlokoenig

nothing means what it used to anymore

#climate

Lichtwaechter, timothy21, mad_bad_and..., janem803, eulekauzig, CurrentNobody and AndSheCame like this

in case you happen to meet my cat, don't forget to kneel and pledge your life to her

#queen, #of, #the, #fucking, #universe

UserOne, AyWeiWei, lloroenpublico, bold, phuamaxx, Lichtwaechter, mad_bad_and..., MyM, eulekauzig, Ziya and 2 others like this

reposted by eulekauzig

@LovelyFilters

timothy21, mad_bad_and..., Sasquatchprime, Ziya, CurrentNobody and eulekauzig like this

Whatever.

I'll eat your husband too.

#horngry

phuamaxx, JodieT, SmartGhost, UserOne, Andromenadda, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody, Ziya, AndSheCame, Sasquatchprime and 3 others like this

I need more people to join the game of 'who just farted' in my yoga class.

petarrrrr, eulekauzig, Andromenadda, schnudelhupf, mad_bad_and..., AndSheCame, UserOne and CurrentNobody like this

I swollowed the sun so you feel warm when you kiss my ass

#diva, #style, #bite, #bat

petegutz2, bold, smity, crafty, SmartGhost, karlokoenig, busylizzie, eulekauzig, Lichtwaechter, Andromenadda and 5 others like this

reposted by Hannah69

*starts punching her voodoo doll in the face

phuamaxx, Orkid, UserOne, Hodir, MyM, AndSheCame, springfire, sudeshnarocks, crafty, mad_bad_and... and 2 others like this

I'm 70% water and 30% sunsets.

#melange

blacknote, bold, phuamaxx, Ziya, schnudelhupf, crafty, karlokoenig, ZeepBella, Sasquatchprime, arxvis and 5 others like this

reposted by uglyteen

I love you like the idiot you are.

MissSpelled, arxvis, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, Fionacatherine, JodieT, baconbro27, CurrentNobody, mad_bad_and... and eulekauzig like this

You could at least hold my hand while you fuck my heart.

#screw, #it

Orkid, Flytillyoufall, phuamaxx, OnlineGuy, Ziya, MarcellaA, ZeepBella, JulieanneS, Boldomatic, fuzuku and 12 others like this

reposted by CurrentNobody, karlokoenig, arxvis, Boldomatic, karamojo and BG_r

Love
doesn't
believe
in me.

#lost, #cause

Orkid, arxvis, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, JodieT, mad_bad_and..., locupleto and CurrentNobody like this

My favourite part of talking to people is when I put on my sunglasses and walk away.

#Shhhhhh, #noblahgiven

JuiceMail, Orkid, 2ten8love, arxvis, Andromenadda, mad_bad_and..., Lichtwaechter, karlokoenig, MyM, Ziya and 3 others like this

I'm your masseuse for a tragic ending.

#tragic, #cum, #nohappyending, #available

stargater, arxvis, Fionacatherine, petegutz2, Ziya, ZeepBella, mad_bad_and..., locupleto, Sherry89, kenwats and 4 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig, petegutz2 and stargater

if you're happy and you know it how the fuck

@lovelyfilters

dor1316, arxvis, Fionacatherine, Hodir, Lichtwaechter, Juli7, petegutz2, ChrisRota, crafty, janem803 and 7 others like this

reposted by flolow and CurrentNobody

loving you is a playlist

@lovelyfilters

arxvis, Campo, Fionacatherine, Juli7, petegutz2, ChrisRota, bmj, crafty, janem803, mad_bad_and... and 5 others like this

baby wake up, it's someday

@lovelyfilters

McPollo, MyM, BG_r, Orkid, ehab_faris, arxvis, Fionacatherine, bmj, Hodir, Lichtwaechter and 11 others like this

reposted by ehab_faris and BG_r

if you cry during a full moon your tears glow in the dark

@lovelyfilters

arxvis, Fionacatherine, bmj, Hodir, Lichtwaechter, petegutz2, ChrisRota, crafty, janem803, mad_bad_and... and 5 others like this

Screaming for no reason is an effective way of making sure your colleagues avoid you.

#nsfw

arxvis, Fionacatherine, Hodir, swatchUSA, petegutz2, bmj, UserOne, Lichtwaechter, locupleto, crafty and 8 others like this

I'm just glad there was no social media when I still had feelings.

#nsfw

RunRunDMC, arxvis, Hodir, swatchUSA, crafty, JodieT, Krusa, UserOne, janem803, Ziya and 4 others like this

In a world where you can be anything
why wear a bra?

#free, #titties

arxvis, Orkid, crafty, janem803, comanzatara, ZeepBella, kenwats, CurrentNobody and mad_bad_and... like this

Let's do yoga outside so I can smoke.

#Karen, #please

Sirskitten, JuiceMail, arxvis, beyzaloves, karlokoenig, GeneratedName, MyM, dodgerblue, Fionacatherine, petegutz2 and 12 others like this

reposted by swatchUSA and GeneratedName

*nonfuckwithable

JodieT, swatchUSA, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody and crafty like this

If it comes with a manual or testicles, it's gonna give you trouble.

#meow

dannyzee, JodieT, mad_bad_and..., CurrentNobody, crafty and ZeepBella like this

Tampons

but for sadness

Orkid, CurrentNobody, dannyzee, swatchUSA, kenwats, ZeepBella, janem803, crafty, mad_bad_and... and JodieT like this

With age comes wisdom. And chin hairs and turkey neck. But yeah, wisdom is great.

#Seen, #Twitter, @mommywhitfield

bisdenndann, BG_r, arxvis, Hodir, mad_bad_and..., janem803, DominicLomax, Lichtwaechter, mehr, dannyzee and 1 other like this

living la vida mediocre

arxvis, Orkid, Stig300, Hodir, Sasquatchprime, mad_bad_and..., Ziya, eulekauzig, Lichtwaechter, Fionacatherine and 6 others like this

There are some seriously disturbed people on here and I'm glad that I found you.

#boldomatits

JMBis, McPollo, arxvis, Orkid, EvocativeBurst, petegutz2, UsualMan, perellano, AyWeiWei, Hodir and 16 others like this

reposted by dannyzee and jmelri31se

Why would I ever need to deal with my feelings when grilled cheese exists?

#Eat, #away

bisdenndann, arxvis, Orkid, siouxz, Hodir, JodieT, Sasquatchprime, mad_bad_and..., janem803, Lichtwaechter and 4 others like this

reposted by dannyzee and flolow

*not panting & moaning

#SoSad

#daylight, #political, #yack

UserOne, Ziya, dannyzee, mad_bad_and..., janem803, crafty and CurrentNobody like this

I should try to be wrong some time to see what that's like.

#Thatslike, #unheard

Juli7, UserOne, ZeepBella, karlokoenig, crafty, janem803, ChrisRota, CurrentNobody and mad_bad_and... like this

I found a parrot and a tooth in my handbag. Last night was fun.

#omen

gizmo2705, Lautdenker., atheist, sss63, mad_bad_and..., bmj, Orkid, petegutz2, Lichtwaechter, UserOne and 6 others like this

reposted by eulekauzig

You are
the pen to my cassette tape.

#love

fart, sss63, mad_bad_and..., jazz23, Jen12, timmer, Andromenadda, CurrentNobody, eulekauzig, UserOne and 9 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig, eulekauzig and FightClub

Anyway, who wants to get laid?

mad_bad_and..., emox, timmer, Andromenadda, schnudelhupf, MapPizzaReason, UserOne, crafty, Orkid, ZeepBella and 2 others like this

I'm the woman with the rare medical condition unable to give a fuck.

#Omen, #BABY

mad_bad_and..., timmer, Krusa, MapPizzaReason, UserOne, Orkid, dannyzee, ZeepBella and CurrentNobody like this

I would like to express my sincere hatred for everyone but you.

#omen

JuiceMail, mad_bad_and..., bold, Andromenadda, MapPizzaReason, UserOne, Orkid, dannyzee, blackboxmagic and CurrentNobody like this

I used to read on the train. Now I just close my eyes and fart a lot.

#truthbomb, #plottwist

Floki, UserOne, Orkid, petegutz2, pipp, SmokeShell, sarcaSM, hanueli, AnimalCatch, Lichtwaechter and 9 others like this

I used to read on the train. Now I just close my eyes and breathe.

#truthbomb

juliettebravo, Acataphasja, UserOne, petegutz2, SmokeShell, sarcaSM, springfire, busylizzie, Lichtwaechter, bold and 9 others like this

reposted by MapPizzaReason

THE TIME TO MASTURBATE IS NOW

#truthbomb

petarrrrr, Lichtwaechter, schnudelhupf, ehab_faris, dannyzee, satan and Ziya like this

Most of my favorite people are cats.

taiallan, Hodir, UserOne, comanzatara, ZeepBella, karlokoenig, crafty, ProperDesastre, Petronius, hey.its.mira and 6 others like this

reposted by siouxz

Lick my intellectual clit.

#gofindit

BG_r, Sennexd, Stig300, dor1316, Orkid, UserOne, comanzatara, Authlander, Fionacatherine, ZeepBella and 12 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig

adult club sucks. put me back on the swing and read fairy tales to me.

#enough

JuiceMail, Orkid, chipdicks, UserOne, blackboxmagic, ZeepBella, karlokoenig, schnudelhupf, janem803, ProperDesastre and 5 others like this

I have my faults
but odds are
you won't feel them while I'm fucking you.

Reposted from Authlander

#tadaaa

JuiceMail, chipdicks, Orkid, perla.hvozdu, timmer, Lichtwaechter, sudeshnarocks, UserOne, Authlander, janem803 and 9 others like this

The distance between you and happiness is my pair of pants.

#trust, #me

BG_r, chipdicks, Orkid, perla.hvozdu, Floki, Luenchen, Lichtwaechter, sudeshnarocks, roosterbear, UserOne and 12 others like this

reposted by FightClub

I get a little sad around the holidays but also on any other occasion.

#Dear2019

juliettebravo, crafty, mehr, chipdicks, Orkid, timmer, Lichtwaechter, sudeshnarocks, UserOne, Authlander and 6 others like this

reposted by chipdicks

But did you know that they played Wham!s 'Last Christmas'
when Santa slaughtered those reindeers?

#true, #story

Orkid, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, Authlander, Petronius, satan, timothy21, bold and karlokoenig like this

Christmas shopping is the exam of anger management class.

#turds

Orkid, taiallan, timmer, UserOne, Fionacatherine, Hodir, swatchUSA, streetmedic, Petronius, CurrentNobody and 2 others like this

I probably don't say this often enough, but fuck it.

#Dear2019

hanueli, FuneralGeneral, chipdicks, roosterbear, crafty, petegutz2, ErikSmit, dannyzee, hey.its.mira, Ziya and 20 others like this

reposted by Mathilda and Boldomatic

Make the most out of today. Don't get hit by a bus.

#winning, #day

Orkid, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, Hodir, Petronius, satan, springfire, JodieT, karlokoenig, bold and 1 other like this

First dates are more fun when you bring an axe to break the ice or his skull or whatever.

#FirstDates, #axe

BG_r, Orkid, hey.its.mira, blackboxmagic, ellybellii, UserOne, Luenchen, Petronius, crafty, CurrentNobody and 4 others like this

Let me take off my pants already.

#Dear2019, #Smokeshell, #inspired

roosterbear, perla.hvozdu, EmpressTygress, UserOne, crafty, karlokoenig, Petronius, MyM, janem803 and timothy21 like this

My cat is so confident about her butthole,
it's inspiring.

JuiceMail, Orkid, PublicScratch, JodieT, Ziya, Petronius, CurrentNobody, UserOne, timothy21 and crafty like this

2018 itched like a bitch

#Dear2019

Orkid, petarrrrr, JodieT, Ziya, Petronius, UserOne, timothy21, springfire, crafty and GaylrdSprFckr like this

*in a open relationship with morals

Orkid, timmer, ChrisRota, Stig300, Fionacatherine, BerlinGirl2014, Petronius, DieDansken, harlequina, UserOne and 8 others like this

Forgive me Father for I hit send.

#toolate

buzzielizzy, bisdenndann, Orkid, timmer, bigjim81, bold, TextyLilou, Hodir, ChrisRota, BerlinGirl2014 and 14 others like this

Please drink responsibly this Holiday Season

Use both hands

Reposted from Fionacatherine

#Salut, #beit, #PLO

JuiceMail, Orkid, timmer, Hodir, Boynextdoor86, bold, comanzatara, UserOne, CurrentNobody, timothy21 and 3 others like this

I'm a family person, but from a distance.

#Thanksgiving, #Family, #fucks

BG_r, JuiceMail, Orkid, timmer, DieDansken, dor1316, crafty, boldolicious, ChrisRota, swatchUSA and 21 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig, RoundCoffee and SaraRuid

What's the pill de jour?

#Thanksgiving, #Red, #Green

Orkid, dor1316, crafty, iam_diran, Campo, bold, timothy21, kenwats, UserOne, Petronius and 2 others like this

I speak fluent regrets.

Orkid, crafty, Campo, springfire, hey.its.mira, timmer, DramaLama, RoundCoffee, UserOne, karlokoenig and 6 others like this

reposted by RoundCoffee, RoundCoffee and flolow

Fanny farted in yoga class

#yoga, #sounds, #of, #silence

bigjim81, RoundCoffee, UserOne, Petronius, ZeepBella, CurrentNobody and timothy21 like this

Life's a journey

to the fridge and back to bed.

#life, #journey, #wander

Floki, McPollo, Orkid, Campo, Fionacatherine, springfire, hey.its.mira, timmer, RoundCoffee, iam_diran and 8 others like this

reposted by RoundCoffee and Mathilda

If you can't handle me at my ugly sweatpants, you don't deserve me with my ugly sweatpants on the floor.

#simple, @Fionacatherine

Orkid, springfire, Fionacatherine, hey.its.mira, timmer, RoundCoffee, BirthIntention, bold, UserOne, karlokoenig and 8 others like this

reposted by RoundCoffee

I'm sorry I disappeared for two years.

I was doing my laundry.

#housework

Orkid, timmer, Mo81186, eboy, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, ZeepBella, CurrentNobody, Petronius, comanzatara and 7 others like this

Let's all take a moment to be thankful that I don't own a taser.

Orkid, crafty, hey.its.mira, BirthIntention, manta, Stig300, bold, eboy, Drakonan, JodieT and 11 others like this

*hands out cigarettes for Halloween

#halloween

Orkid, crafty, PublicScratch, JodieT, Petronius, comanzatara, Lichtwaechter, CurrentNobody, Nypholus, timothy21 and 1 other like this

I'm terrible at sexting I just say OK a lot.

#sexting

ZeepBella, JuiceMail, Orkid, Fionacatherine, dor1316, crafty, PublicScratch, JodieT, Petronius, comanzatara and 6 others like this

reposted by MissInk and visorvice1

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a cat?

#Snow, #Cat, #Coke, #white, #red, #wine

crafty, JodieT, Petronius, Lichtwaechter and timothy21 like this

Remember, there's always fuckery to be spread on the internet dot com.

#Me, #As, #a, #Therapist, #counsel

crafty, Oldmanworking, KnightofSIAL, UserOne, karlokoenig, Lichtwaechter, bold, ChrisRota, springfire, timothy21 and 2 others like this

reposted by Hannah69

I was walking through the crisp fall leaves today, as I stepped in some dog shit. Didn't see it with all the leaves you know. Anyway, shoes still stink.

#WinterIsComing

UserOne, Lichtwaechter, bold, springfire, timothy21, Petronius and ChrisRota like this

*Cat sneezes*
“Bless you, you okay Babe?”

*Neighbor sneezes*
“I hope die Karen so you shut the fuck up finally”

#Karen

Orkid, UserOne, karlokoenig, Oldmanworking, Lichtwaechter, springfire, timothy21, CurrentNobody and Petronius like this

Most days I'm a fucking ray of sunshine.

#bitch

JuiceMail, varshikar, KnightofSIAL, UserOne, Andromenadda, karlokoenig, springfire, timothy21, Petronius and ZeepBella like this

*hires a marching band for her come back

Orkid, springfire, mzh, Petronius, UserOne, karlokoenig, CurrentNobody and timothy21 like this

My lungs are 85% hairspray and nicotine.

#smoke

Orkid, dor1316, petegutz2, bold, mzh, Juli7, Fionacatherine, Lichtwaechter, Petronius, UserOne and 2 others like this

You left me in a daze and I like it.

#smoke

JuiceMail, timothy21, Acataphasja, Fionacatherine, ZeepBella, janem803, UserOne, Ziya and Petronius like this

Don't tell your secrets, live them.

Orkid, timothy21, Juli7, ZeepBella, janem803, ChrisRota, UserOne, Ziya and Petronius like this

Grab your anger by the pussy.

#apocalypse, #touch

mzh, springfire, eulekauzig, Ziya, ikram, Orkid, EssayLandscape, Fionacatherine, Juli7, UserOne and 7 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig and Hannah69

The lift scene from Dirty Dancing, but it's just me and a pizza.

#mine, #endless, #love

perla.hvozdu, mzh, dannyzee, perellano, ZeepBella, Luca.Cheers, petegutz2, hey.its.mira, humveev, Lichtwaechter and 10 others like this

reposted by timmer and Hannah69

I'm one shower away from having my life together.

#Monday, #Zombie, #apocalypse

mzh, dannyzee, karlokoenig, springfire, Fionacatherine, kalyani.vasave, JodieT, timothy21, Lichtwaechter, sudeshnarocks and 6 others like this

*Carefully places your corpse on the piano

#mine, #finally, #our, #song

ZeepBella, Bartjan, Campo, springfire, shanncy, crafty, JodieT, UserOne, karlokoenig, bold and 9 others like this

reposted by spacefrog29 and karlokoenig

I'm having an emotional day.

Let's fuck.

TimBuktu, JuiceMail, eulekauzig, comanzatara, kenwats, Ziya, bold, KnightofSIAL, crafty, springfire and 12 others like this

reposted by invalid

As above,
so below,
as within,
so without,
as the universe,
so the soul.

Reposted from pipp

#sharing, #some, #magic

springfire, crafty, JodieT, UserOne, petegutz2, ZeepBella, CityCharacter, ThoughtBoy, Ziya, Petronius and 1 other like this

Come closer, I won't bite, unless you want me to.

#touch

JuiceMail, pipp, crafty, Proselyus, iam_diran, UserOne, Petronius, GreatSmile, chaski, MonoGate and 2 others like this

Let's be honest, we're all lost.

mzh, Orkid, UserOne, Petronius, GreatSmile, chaski, karlokoenig, MonoGate, janem803 and CityCharacter like this

I'm a people person but I prefer my cat.

Orkid, Campo, timmer, eulekauzig, Lichtwaechter, Math_ilda, CityCharacter, MyM, Petronius, hey.its.mira and 8 others like this

*may take advantage of you

#naughty, #natter

Orkid, Authlander, Campo, chaski, JodieT, janem803, Ziya, UserOne, hey.its.mira, iam_diran and 2 others like this

#HotHotHot, #TheInternet, #people

Orkid, chaski, swatchUSA, busylizzie, timmer, Dwell, Ziya, comanzatara, JodieT, AnneLo and 6 others like this

reposted by FightClub

My anxiety shines bright like a diamond.

#nowwhat, #takeit, #leaveit

Orkid, pipp, swatchUSA, crafty, springfire, Petronius, JodieT, karlokoenig, UserOne, Lichtwaechter and 7 others like this

Don't forget to share your secrets on the internet.

#NoteToSelf

McPollo, Orkid, crafty, swatchUSA, bold, Petronius, Stig300, Bettydent, jmb, UserOne and 12 others like this

reposted by FightClub

I have nothing cunty left to say. I used it all up. I'm fucking nice now.

#promise

Orkid, crafty, Fionacatherine, Bettydent, jmb, UserOne, bold, karlokoenig, misterlab, AnneLo and 2 others like this

Got kicked out of yoga class again for bringing my pet tarantula.

#spiderclass

Orkid, crafty, UserOne, bold, InfluenceNoise and Ziya like this

Flying to China to meet my battery powered boyfriend's parents.

#inspiring, #sarcasm

Orkid, jmb, bold, timmer, Lichtwaechter, streetmedic, locupleto, comanzatara, chaski, Petronius and 7 others like this

Sometimes you're the ice.

Sometimes you're the vodka.

#vodka

Orkid, pipp, jmb, AnneLo, Lichtwaechter, locupleto, chaski, Petronius, UserOne, ThoughtBoy and 2 others like this

You're my favorite five minute cigarette break.

#you

jmb, Lichtwaechter, skkinyvictor, UserOne, Petronius, AnneLo, InfluenceNoise and pat_f like this

My heart is a fool.

#fool

commelaudace, Campo, Lichtwaechter, annemarit, crafty, Shreya95, janem803, Ziya, sudeshnarocks, bold and 1 other like this

Life's too short to be working for someone else's dream. Start selling pictures of your feet to strangers on the internet today.

#whatwasithinking

bold, Orkid, Lieutenant, springfire, BunchSwim, Ziya, MapRepair, Petronius, beingme, Lichtwaechter and 5 others like this

brains & titties

#Amen

Orkid, prubton, janem803, ThoughtBoy, karlokoenig and Petronius like this

I'm cold!

- me, in hell

#always, #cold

Orkid, UserOne, Lichtwaechter and Petronius like this

I hope my new therapist likes yodeling.

fart, comanzatara, Lieutenant, chaski, springfire, Fionacatherine, neve.b, InfluenceNoise, Lichtwaechter, prubton and 9 others like this

reposted by FrankTheTank

I obviously know how to balance a beer can on my belly, Mr Yoga Teacher.

#yoga

swatchUSA, UserOne, Petronius, prubton, timmer, InfluenceNoise, Lichtwaechter, sudeshnarocks, ChrisRota and Ziya like this

No one at this yoga class wants to play drinking games.

#sad

Petronius, bold, UserOne, kenwats, Ziya and InfluenceNoise like this

#nonsense

Orkid, beingme, GreatSmile, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, InfluenceNoise, Petronius, janem803 and NerdWord like this

The FedEx guy knows his job.

Apparently it's not in his job description to marry me when I'm drunk.

#nottrending

petegutz2, fart, Ziya, Lichtwaechter, Sledge, streetmedic, Vandtastic, prubton, Fionacatherine, InfluenceNoise and 4 others like this

I miss my innocence.

Orkid, mzh, perellano, CountShelter, Campo, Lichtwaechter, Viciouse31, Petronius, crafty, GeneratedName and 12 others like this

reposted by Viciouse31 and DarkBlack

I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions.

McPollo, Orkid, perellano, albiin, Lichtwaechter, BiteSenior, NerdWord, Petronius, GeneratedName, streetmedic and 13 others like this

reposted by FrankTheTank

My answer is Meow.

#catthing, #sexything

Orkid, Ziya, Lichtwaechter, crafty, GeneratedName, LightYears, UserOne, ChrisRota, prubton, petegutz2 and 1 other like this

reposted by ChrisRota

Let's get naked and watch Bob Ross.

#naked, #beatthedevil

TimBuktu, JuiceMail, fuzyfixr, Orkid, xxxoshnauw, crafty, Campo, eulekauzig, bold, comanzatara and 6 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig and Campo

You'd deserve better.

Happy Mother's Day!

#note, #mothersday

Lieutenant, prubton, Lichtwaechter, ChrisRota, Ziya, Petronius, UserOne, satan, InfluenceNoise, Orkid and 1 other like this

When I hear Mother's Day, I imagine dragons.

#dragon, #kisses

prubton, Lichtwaechter, ChrisRota, Ziya, Petronius, UserOne and Orkid like this

Let's get naked and munch spaghetti.

#sexytime

Hofi, prubton, NerdWord, MyM, Authlander, crafty, ChrisRota, KnightofSIAL, Ziya, Petronius and 4 others like this

#thanks, #nonudes

mzh, prubton, Lichtwaechter, Authlander, ChrisRota, KnightofSIAL, Ziya, Petronius, UserOne, locupleto and 4 others like this

LET'S JUST SCREAM AT EACH OTHER.

- Birds, flirting

#yes

Lieutenant, Fionacatherine, arxvis, Lichtwaechter, Orkid, streetmedic, MyM, prubton, Petronius, Languedoc and 10 others like this

Your hands are my favorite bras

Lieutenant, streetmedic, Orkid, UserOne, Petronius, KnightofSIAL, ChrisRota, janem803, crafty, InfluenceNoise and 2 others like this

Oh, my darling, it's true.

Beautiful things have dents and scratches, too.

Reposted from anonymous

#ohsotrue, #PLO

streetmedic, Lichtwaechter, InfluenceNoise, janem803, juneocallagh, beingme and atheist like this

Her green eyes were radiant with purpose for pleasure.

#foxy

Orkid, JodieT, eboy, jmb, Lichtwaechter, InfluenceNoise, daniel8a14, juneocallagh, beingme and Authlander like this

*not the forgiving type

#moi, #nosorry

Bettydent, Viciouse31, Petronius, Ziya, prubton, janem803, sudeshnarocks, ChrisRota, InfluenceNoise and petegutz2 like this

reposted by Viciouse31

that feeling you get when you unwrap your food and it's not what you ordered

#mood

Orkid, Lichtwaechter, swatchUSA, juneocallagh, janem803, resentful34, UserOne, Ziya, InfluenceNoise, annemarit and 1 other like this

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and a cat that makes me breakfast

#mood, #catlady

Orkid, pawn, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, Ziya, InfluenceNoise and annemarit like this

Bear me no witness

#mood, #current

UserOne, InfluenceNoise, annemarit and crafty like this

Never underestimate the power of lipstick.

#red

streetmedic, cestjulie, jmb, Lichtwaechter, crafty, JodieT, ZeepBella, petegutz2, UserOne, InfluenceNoise and 2 others like this

I don't have to drink to wake up with a hangover.

#natural, #inspired, #30ies

ukii, dr.nicilot3.0, UserOne, petegutz2, Lichtwaechter, Campo, crafty, timothy21, tide, CityCharacter and 8 others like this

reposted by rachelkisses

Bend over and do my taxes.

#taxes, #nutjob

rahzielx, bold, Orkid, JodieT, dannyzee, timothy21, iam_diran, Petronius, Campo, InfluenceNoise and 2 others like this

It's time to bring back parachute pants.

#cancelled

Campo, Orkid, swatchUSA, JodieT, Lichtwaechter, timothy21, iam_diran, Petronius and InfluenceNoise like this

Your favorite show "Listen to a man who defines himself by the stuff he owns" has been cancelled.

#cancelled

rahzielx, Orkid, JodieT, Lichtwaechter, timothy21, Petronius and InfluenceNoise like this

*would do some pretty fucked up shit for some mac and cheese right now

#foodmeharder

eboy, crafty, Drakonan, Lichtwaechter, JodieT, bold, iam_diran, Petronius, meohmy, Vandtastic and 6 others like this

reposted by DarkBlack

you can shoot the messenger but you cant kill the question

Reposted from anonymous

#dont, #shoot, #truth

Orkid, cestjulie, MonoGate, JodieT, karlokoenig, Luenchen, InfluenceNoise, Acataphasja, FrankFilocamo, janem803 and 7 others like this

Unequal pay is unacceptable in the eyes of children.

Why should we accept this as adults?

Reposted from anonymous

#worldwomensday

karlokoenig, Petronius, ForeverActive, perellano, ThoughtBoy, sudeshnarocks and Orkid like this

#inappropriate, #worldwomensday, #justkiddin, #bitches

timothy21, memorize, pat_f, meohmy, leo1980, karlokoenig, Fionacatherine, JodieT, ForeverActive, ThoughtBoy and 3 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig, leo1980, leo1980 and MonoGate

I thought I shaved my legs, now I'm not sure it were actually mine.

timothy21, Petronius, Fionacatherine, crafty, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, ElfiEdel, InfluenceNoise, prubton, FrankFilocamo and 7 others like this

This weather confuses my nipples.

#arctic, #sauna

dodgerblue, timothy21, Adnanhaj, Authlander, eboy, Vandtastic, bold, roosterbear, NerdWord, TwoThamesTwo and 17 others like this

All I want is someone I can stay at home with , while I dream about Werewolves howling outside in the dense dark forest.

Reposted from OscarHiggins

#AlliWant, #werewolves, #charming, #PLO

FrankFilocamo, Ziya, EmpressTygress, ChrisRota, InfluenceNoise, beingme, UserOne, GreatSmile, CityCharacter and bold like this

"Hi, so nice to meet you!
Here's my asshole."

- The cat

rahzielx, pinchilla, Orkid, CourtStupid, Petronius, CityCharacter, Luenchen, sudeshnarocks, juneocallagh, Ziya and 1 other like this

I love you for medicinal purposes and maybe more.

#yaall, #kisses, #therapygroup, #freethoughts

timothy21, Orkid, prubton, Fionacatherine, meohmy, eboy, phuamaxx, JodieT, crafty, petegutz2 and 9 others like this

Wrong choice with a body made for sin.

UserOne, stargater, Luenchen, Fionacatherine, Orkid, karlokoenig, prubton, meohmy, eboy, JodieT and 4 others like this

reposted by jaybyrd

Call me the pretty but dangerous kind of dead end.

Orkid, prubton, meohmy, eboy, JodieT, crafty, petegutz2, beingme, BeatMeter, bold and 1 other like this

She's the aftermath of bad decision.

#7wordsstory, #biography

Drakonan, Orkid, karlokoenig, prubton, meohmy, phuamaxx, JodieT, petegutz2, beingme, BeatMeter and 5 others like this

I need a pacemaker for cruise control.

#silly, #heart

Orkid, prubton, meohmy, eboy, JodieT, beingme, fart, jaybyrd and Ziya like this

* maintains eye contact while farting

#5wordstory, #flirting

comanzatara, Orkid, prubton, meohmy, eboy, phuamaxx, JodieT, petegutz2, beingme, mediadeo and 2 others like this

I danced with the devil...
turns out he's gay.

#BFF, #justdancing, @jaybyrd

comanzatara, Orkid, MyM, TwoThamesTwo, eulekauzig, Vandtastic, DwayneM, TopTit, SourceBlack, timmer and 13 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig and DarkBlack

Teach me how to play the saw.

#singing, #saw, #flirting

Orkid, eboy, JodieT, nash, UserOne, roosterbear, GreatSmile, Fionacatherine, InfluenceNoise, beingme and 5 others like this

Coffee doesn't work when your soul is tired.

Reposted from Ziya

#snooze, #plo

streetmedic, comanzatara, Orkid, timmer, JodieT, nash, iam_diran, UserOne, janem803, GreatSmile and 7 others like this

Your ego looks like something you'd draw with my left hand.

#ego, #pirate

MonoGate, crafty, Languedoc, BrownDemand, bold, UserOne, ForeverActive, prubton, InfluenceNoise, Lichtwaechter and 1 other like this

*insecure but loud

#Rituals

crafty, Fionacatherine, Andromenadda, Campo, Ziya, Languedoc, bold, UserOne, ForeverActive, prubton and 3 others like this

My cat and I gaze soulfully into each others eyes all night.

#rituals

crafty, Juli7, ForeverActive, GreatSmile, prubton, UserOne, ChrisRota, Petronius and chipdicks like this

Baby did a bad, bad thing... baby spent way too much money on lingerie this weekend.

#rituals, #notsorry

Orkid, crafty, eboy, bold, Juli7, ForeverActive, GreatSmile, prubton, UserOne, schnudelhupf and 2 others like this

Tacos are my favorite emotion.

#blue

Fionacatherine, petegutz2, oege, eboy, FrankFilocamo, ajsmom, schnudelhupf, GreatSmile, UserOne, prubton and 8 others like this

reposted by MissInk

Don't you dare talk about reality in front of the cat.

#STFU, #Mum, #instincts

bold, lyfe, ajou, Orkid, GreatSmile, InfluenceNoise, beingme, CityCharacter, UserOne, sudeshnarocks and 6 others like this

You win some
You lose some

I say, as I set your house on fire.

#tralaaaa

Orkid, JodieT, GreatSmile, Ziya, Moon-D, UserOne, FrankFilocamo, beingme, wizeoldsoul, satan and 3 others like this

Make it weird and we'll see where it goes.

#dear2018

Viciouse31, bold, ChrisRota, FutureFeel, wizeoldsoul, IRISH_SEANY, Lichtwaechter, dr.nicilot3.0, petegutz2, Languedoc and 12 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel and Viciouse31

I'm the kind of trouble you take home and tie to your bed.

#sweet, #fuck, #trouble

JuiceMail, ajou, EitherChaff084, MonoGate, IRISH_SEANY, eulekauzig, BerlinGirl2014, urschka, Orkid, Petronius and 15 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig, rachelkisses and FutureFeel

Listen asshole,
it's over.

#2017

#2017, #theendisnear

IRISH_SEANY, iranickarma, ayeshakahn, JodieT, eboy, Juli7, bobbybuilder, InfluenceNoise, sudeshnarocks, mehr and 4 others like this

Sorry 2017 I don't swallow.

#countdown

mzh, mehr, prubton, IRISH_SEANY, wendywx22, eulekauzig, shespeaks94, dor1316, Campo, laurislee and 31 others like this

reposted by Orkid, Boldomatic, Mathilda, stargater and sandratoni

It's more fun when you don't have permission.

#simple, #rule, #isntit

cdruet, locupleto, Lichtwaechter, iam_diran, UserOne, wizeoldsoul, rahzielx, JodieT, janem803, Vandtastic and 1 other like this

Get me my flamethrower,
I don't shovel snow.

#snow, #notwithme

rahzielx, wizeoldsoul, Lichtwaechter, BeatMeter, Orkid, eulekauzig, TheFeminist, Fionacatherine, iam_diran, ChrisRota and 3 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig

Life doesn't have a meaning. Anything goes. You might as well be dreaming.

#horoscope

Orkid, wendywx22, ThoughtBoy, tide, perellano, Angel_19, Campo, phuamaxx, wizeoldsoul, UserOne and 16 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel, flolow and wendywx22

Anywhere you want.

Just not in her hair.

#horoscope

EitherChaff084, wizeoldsoul, KnightofSIAL, ZeepBella, crafty, wendywx22, lovenadav, Campo, TravelDexter, Lichtwaechter and 9 others like this

reposted by prubton

The night is young. Let's start with the soft drugs.

#potato, #face, #jojojoke

wendywx22, Campo, Juli7, iam_diran, Fionacatherine, erin.desmond, bold, JodieT, UserOne, meohmy and 4 others like this

reposted by wendywx22

If I was a plant, I'd be a penis fly trap.

#random, @hero_ofthenight, #Twitter

Campo, Orkid, siouxz, ChrisRota, bold, bobbybuilder, UserOne, jaybyrd, BeatMeter, Fionacatherine and 11 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel and uglyteen

nothing is forbidden until you ask for permission

#HeresTo, #Streetart, #Graffiti

EitherChaff084, wendywx22, Orkid, pipp, OscarHiggins, Maxymilian, Fionacatherine, EmpressTygress, Vandtastic, ChrisRota and 21 others like this

reposted by Viciouse31, Vandtastic and wendywx22

*This is an image of what's going on in my head right now.

#empty

Orkid, Lichtwaechter, QuestionWoman, Fionacatherine, prubton, JodieT, janem803, Chewbacca17_09, petegutz2, UserOne and 5 others like this

You went to Princeton?
Cool, I love Disney movies.

#flirting

Maxymilian, QuestionWoman, Authlander, Lichtwaechter, Fionacatherine, bobbybuilder, JodieT, juneocallagh, ladiesman217, MyM and 8 others like this

I was worse in the 90ies.

JodieT, juneocallagh, ladiesman217, UserOne, wizeoldsoul, crafty, petegutz2, Orkid, Fionacatherine, Ziya and 4 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel

Please don't waste time with small talk, just tell me you like my tits.

#HeresTo

Orkid, lobster, bobbybuilder, Fionacatherine, bold, JodieT, juneocallagh, ladiesman217, UserOne, wizeoldsoul and 6 others like this

Shhh.

She's sleeping, come back in six months.

#tired

QuestionWoman, juneocallagh, crafty, FutureFeel, PaintBrush, prubton, phuamaxx, chrysti, Sledge, JodieT and 5 others like this

I'm not easy but I'm worth it.

JuiceMail, ChrisRota, wendywx22, mzh, pipp, prubton, nightwalker, iam_diran, sudeshnarocks, ElfiEdel and 8 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel and wendywx22

Don't take me home until I'm drunk.

#interwhat

JuiceMail, prubton, philipsonn, sudeshnarocks, ElfiEdel, Fionacatherine, dor1316, shankarrkn, UserOne, AyWeiWei and 6 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel

Veuve Clicquot is French for dildo.

#because, #yes

prubton, InfluenceNoise, AyWeiWei, sosoandso and ZeepBella like this

I'LL BE READY JUST GIVE ME A PROSECCOND.

wendywx22, prubton, sosoandso, fart, jaybyrd, JodieT, ZeepBella, sudeshnarocks, niniel and InfluenceNoise like this

It's okay, little pumpkin.
I get scary when I'm lit, too.

@Donna_McCoy, #Tweet

Orkid, BeatMeter, sudeshnarocks, ZeepBella, prubton, InfluenceNoise, kenwats, locupleto, MyM, chipdicks and 4 others like this

Dear life, whatever, motherfucker. Bring it on.
Whatever.

ChrisRota, NerdWord, darkstarzero, Frankenvini, BeatMeter, Ziya, bold, phuamaxx, Orkid, kfasheldon and 8 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel, natalieG, munuella and metooby

Sorry I ruined your life, again.

Orkid, schoolinlife, UserOne, JodieT, sudeshnarocks, InfluenceNoise, prubton and Ziya like this

If you hold a warm potato it feels like you're holding someone's heart without having to touch anyone.

#artistseye, #potato

Orkid, Chatherinne, BeatMeter, no667, Mo81186, juneocallagh, OscarHiggins, BoomBangBoom, JodieT, UserOne and 11 others like this

reposted by Ziya

Once Upon a Time but Happily Ever After you go fuck yourself.

#Stories

Orkid, ProperDesastre, eboy, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, swatchUSA, dannyzee, NerdWord, ICanDo, only1alyssa and 2 others like this

reposted by ProperDesastre

There's no passive aggressive way to approach or pronounce 'brunch'.

#brunch, #talks

Orkid, janem803, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, NerdWord, ICanDo, weekender and KosmicKarma like this

What was
my safe word again?

#noodles

Orkid, mzh, prubton, MerbeDatze, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, Fionacatherine, dannyzee, janem803, NerdWord and 4 others like this

Sorry, I'm late for work because I had to tell my cat
"I love you" one more time.

prubton, ElfiEdel, TaiLol, dannyzee, Biertrinker, Stiltskin, bold, lobster, Fionacatherine, UserOne and 9 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel

Be a good boy and throw in a little foreplay before you go fuck yourself.

#pickup, #lines

dodgerblue, no667, prubton, Stig300, Orkid, ProperDesastre, kenwats, Z666, Davidmayhem, eboy and 16 others like this

reposted by sudeshnarocks and ProperDesastre

My titties are natural and so are
my disasters.

no667, ProperDesastre, Fionacatherine, Bartjan, Orkid, Campo, UserOne, ICanDo, bold, prubton and 10 others like this

You're not drinking alone if your cat is at home.

#drink

prubton, Orkid, Hodir, schoolinlife, redcat, JodieT, Lichtwaechter, UserOne, Vandtastic, DominicLomax and 3 others like this

I came.
I saw.
I made it awkward.

#pattern

ConradKilroy, MakeRelations, KnightofSIAL, ladypoetica, prubton, vani, redikryeziu, perellano, sophh, rmax62 and 33 others like this

reposted by Campo, BiteSenior, -just.me-, redikryeziu, MakeRelations and Sirskitten

You make me feel like a woman who doesn't regret buying a machete.

#Twitter, #quote, @NotYourGemini

prubton, Orkid, Davidmayhem, Lichtwaechter, Campo, petegutz2, MyM, schoolinlife, dannyzee, Ziya and 6 others like this

I'm not like other girls I'm much worse.

prubton, Lichtwaechter, brngbckfirefly, schoolinlife, Fionacatherine, UserOne, bold, ElfiEdel, Vandtastic, purplechill and 4 others like this

reposted by FutureFeel

You know the sex is good, when I start yodeling.

#pattern

fart, prubton, Bartjan, Lichtwaechter, bold, schoolinlife, UserOne, Vandtastic, purplechill, Ziya and 3 others like this

Can we meet again and pretend we're not, you know, us?

prubton, Fionacatherine, Davidmayhem, Lichtwaechter, schoolinlife, UserOne, bold, Vandtastic, purplechill, janem803 and 3 others like this

reposted by Sledge and strbbrn

I feel like popcorn and some light fingering

#weekend, #plans

prubton, Bartjan, petegutz2, FutureFeel, sophh, UserOne, JodieT, Lichtwaechter, Juli7, Fionacatherine and 4 others like this

Sure I like diamonds but I'm also happy with rubber bands as bracelets.

#blingbling

prubton, Bartjan, Lichtwaechter, Fionacatherine, UserOne, janem803, ZeepBella, sarcaSM, Sledge and KosmicKarma like this

I'll marry your dad just to kick you out of the house.

#flirting, #with, #bartender

prubton, Orkid, jess.calleja, Lichtwaechter, dannyzee, bold, DomPerignon, Sledge, KosmicKarma, Authlander and 2 others like this

Let's not pretend that my snoring doesn't turn you on a little.

#sexytime

prubton, Orkid, Lichtwaechter, dannyzee, bold, eboy, janem803, Sledge, daika, juneocallagh and 1 other like this

Fuck roses.

Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

#sexytime

prubton, Orkid, Shea, Lichtwaechter, arxvis, JodieT, hanna1, karlokoenig, DominicLomax, ChrisRota and 3 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig

The first draft always sucks.

Reposted from RegisterDue

#storyofmylife, #PLO

Lichtwaechter, prubton, dor1316, UserOne, KosmicKarma and Shea like this

Remember the old days before the Internet when everyone fucked their cousins?

Reposted from sosoandso

#LOL, #PLO

Orkid, TrippyEnigmati, Lichtwaechter, arxvis, FutureFeel, schoolinlife and Ziya like this

I like to finger the toaster
while the microwave watches.

#kitchen, #sexytime

Orkid, TrippyEnigmati, Lichtwaechter, phuamaxx, FutureFeel, eboy, schoolinlife, Ziya and PueppiRazza like this

Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to heart my words.

#boldomatic, #peeps

lobster, Orkid, chrysti, Shea, janem803, karlokoenig, JodieT, FutureFeel, Lichtwaechter, Authlander and 1 other like this

I had an erotic dream last night that I had my life together.

#nutjob

no667, Orkid, murkobitch, Davidmayhem, Fionacatherine, Ziya, mzh, chrysti, Shea, JodieT and 3 others like this

Soak up a little arse and cunture.

Reposted from DominicLomax

#yummi, #Iamin

Orkid, MMNK, Davidmayhem, Lichtwaechter, JodieT and petegutz2 like this

Blah blah blah some inspirational bullshit about living your dream blah blah I'm drunk

@brittwastaken, @DominicLomax

bold, Fionacatherine, Orkid, albiin, Lichtwaechter, arxvis, eboy, JodieT, UserOne, karlokoenig and 2 others like this

reposted by karlokoenig

I blow everything I touch: my lid, my cover,
not you, my inheritance, my chance....

twitter.com

#Twitter, #quote, @brittwastaken

bold, Orkid, Lichtwaechter, arxvis, eboy, UserOne, JodieT, DominicLomax, Shea, chrysti and 1 other like this

Sex doesn't cure the crazy

#but, #it, #helps

Orkid, MMNK, Lichtwaechter, arxvis, UserOne, JodieT, karlokoenig, Shea, chrysti and janem803 like this

You can't fix crazy, but you can have some pretty amazing sex with us.

#tag

janem803, CaptJourdan, Lichtwaechter, Sasquatchprime, Shea, sophh, Davidmayhem, chrysti, UserOne, JodieT and 4 others like this

I promise I'm not just some whiny bitch on the internet. I'm that, and so much more.

bold, Orkid, phuamaxx, Lichtwaechter, Shea, sophh, UserOne, FutureFeel, juneocallagh, Ziya and 4 others like this

There's meteors out there,
I better stay at home.

#whatever

phuamaxx, MihauLidas, bold, UserOne, meohmy, MyM, JodieT, Lichtwaechter, Shea, Ziya and 2 others like this

*at Starbucks

"One large coffin, please."

#whatever, #Monday

Lichtwaechter, purplechill, meohmy, Shea, JodieT, sudeshnarocks, MaScho, bold, Ziya and swatchUSA like this

It's getting boring with me, I think I should move on to my next personality.

#memememem

eboy, bold, Sasquatchprime, karlokoenig and ChrisRota like this

my strenghts are lasagna and orgasms

#garfield, @chipdicks

eboy, bold, FutureFeel, ChrisRota and jaybyrd like this

reposted by FutureFeel

Summer's almost over. If you haven't gotten a picture on one of those trendy flamingo float things, you should quit social media and your life.

#flamingo, #sarcasm, #follow, #the, #trend, #or, #stayhappy

Campo, Lichtwaechter, phuamaxx, juneocallagh, Shea, UserOne, karlokoenig, Fionacatherine, sudeshnarocks, sarcaSM and 1 other like this

*eye fucking at the bus stop

FutureFeel, mzh, MissJazy, Campo, Shea, crozrh, Lichtwaechter, janem803, schoolinlife, meohmy and 12 others like this

"Sorry, that's my voice of reason."

[Me farting at yoga class again

#yoga, #fun, #wind

phuamaxx, Shea, purplechill, Lichtwaechter, karlokoenig, roosterbear, UserOne, Orkid, kenwats, juneocallagh and 4 others like this

I might be drunk right now but I just want you to know I love all of you and your daddies.

#together

chipdicks, meohmy, UserOne, sudeshnarocks, Shea, prubton, juneocallagh, sarcaSM and Lichtwaechter like this

I was drunkenly crying in your guesthouse.

I'm sorry your kids think it's haunted now.

#together

Lieutenant, chipdicks, phuamaxx, Fionacatherine, karlokoenig, Davidmayhem, meohmy, UserOne, sudeshnarocks, Shea and 3 others like this

*finger guns your pee pee

#together

karlokoenig, petegutz2, prubton, Davidmayhem and THEGOLDFATHER like this

If cuddling doesn't turn into sex, it's just a delightful waste of time.

#cuddle, #to, #fuck

Lieutenant, ChrisRota, juliettebravo, janem803, Mcpaige78, BreathMiddle, LizTake, JodieT, Authlander, THEGOLDFATHER and 14 others like this

The hardest thing about adopting an alien is explaining to him what men are for.

#alien

Lieutenant, prubton, Stig300, Lichtwaechter, phuamaxx, purplechill, meohmy, fuzuku, Fionacatherine, Vandtastic and 11 others like this

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

ain't no borderline psychotic bitch drama either.

#alien

MatterMoment, dodgerblue, bold, Lieutenant, papalux, phuamaxx, MarcellaA, Fabriciuz, eulekauzig, dijana84 and 30 others like this

reposted by Boldomatic, dijana84, Sledge and siouxz

rub my butt and I shall grant you a wish

#funandgames

Lieutenant, BeatMeter, AlienSpunk, Orkid, Shea, MyM, SourceBlack, Fionacatherine, key, EscapeNote and 18 others like this

reposted by EscapeNote and prubton

I don't like dogs but I bark at people.

#justsaying

Lieutenant, perellano, roosterbear, Shea, juneocallagh, phuamaxx, Fionacatherine, bitchnbabe, maTembe1953, eulekauzig and 16 others like this

reposted by BiteSenior

If you see my tentacles...

...it's already too late.

#justsaying, #alien, #breed

Zariem, juneocallagh, roosterbear, phuamaxx, maTembe1953, Lichtwaechter, NerdWord, petegutz2, lyfe, bold and 9 others like this

I hope the alien invaders enjoy my margaritas.

#justsaying

Lieutenant, juneocallagh, roosterbear, Authlander, Fionacatherine, Lichtwaechter, NerdWord, petegutz2, lyfe, bold and 7 others like this

It's all fun and games till the alcohol wears off.

#justsaying

mzh, tide, roosterbear, phuamaxx, LizTake, Mcpaige78, Fionacatherine, maTembe1953, Lichtwaechter, BiteSenior and 8 others like this

The cool thing about being chased by baboons is forgetting that you're hungry.

#justsaying, #holiday, #memory, #memorylane

Lieutenant, Lichtwaechter, phuamaxx, SourceBlack, UserOne, NerdWord, juneocallagh and Ziya like this

Hold my drink while I destroy something beautiful.

Lieutenant, mzh, LizTake, memorize, Lichtwaechter, Fionacatherine, phuamaxx, no667, maTembe1953, dor1316 and 5 others like this

I love you monsters.

#boldomatic, #clowns, #crazytown

tguldogan, Lichtwaechter, phuamaxx, no667, dor1316, prubton, eulekauzig, ChrisRota, UserOne, annemarit and 1 other like this

I can't stop drinking about
you.

Reposted from harlequina

#PLO, #cheers

Lieutenant, jasper.svo, LizTake, Lichtwaechter, phuamaxx, Davidmayhem, maTembe1953, ChrisRota, UserOne and jussayin like this